I still feel the same way but smoking definitely helps. I do end up bottling everything until dad comes home and he takes a lot of the stress hits but once I smoke I'm apologizing and talking through everything that had me stressed or frustrated. If I have help throughout the day from friends or family I'll try and get a little smoking in just incase something happens. I'm a lot more chill and fun and loving when I got a little high going. Also don't stress too much that babies aren't getting your best self. I have a 1year and 2year old and you can see they know and appreciate the best you can do. And I'll second what Brandi said, especially with this app... you are NEVER alone!
I went through this for nearly 8 years. Besides sticking to the meds my Dr forces me (I fought hard to get the non-hard stuff)..... I finally ended up smoking again and that has helped so drastically. While you're unable to go and talk to a professional, do whatever you can to let things out... write it, sing it, paint it, cook it, diarrhea of the mouth to a long-distance friend... Anything! But don't bottle that stuff up, and NEVER think you're alone.