Life

I’m going through a lot lately. I’ve been dealing with infertility issues for the last two years. 7 losses and 2 ectopics. Finally in an ivf clinic doing millions of tests to see what could be causing this. My partner who I’ve been with for 10+ years was supportive - until he wasn’t. I have found so far I have APS, waiting on the screens for lupus. It’s making sense now. I’ve always been in pain and sick. He knows this about me, but I get hounded about it from time to time. Lately, it seems all we do is fight. I ask for him to be more affectionate, more caring and understanding. He tells me I’m lazy, fat and unattractive. He calls me names. He screams. And I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve waisted my youth and fertility on a man who doesn’t even like me most days. It’s really hard to come to this conclusion. I’m really sad. I’m angry. My heart is broken. I’ve been a sty at home mom and I don’t have much to my name. He’s threatening to leave me all the time and that he’ll take everything and our two kids. I’m afraid it will happen. I’ve been searching for jobs every day and applying and I’ve had a few interviews but nothing solid has worked out. I feel defeated, I hate myself and if I didn’t have my kids, I would have killed myself by now. I literally fantasize about dying it’s so sad but I just can’t see myself living another 40-60 years like this. I have no friends and no family. There’s no one in my corner and I’m just so far in a hole that I can’t even get myself out of. I feel like the biggest fucking loser. I feel like I wasted my life. I feel so incredibly alone. I wish I was dead.