I think I am poly

I have been with my partner for 6 years and I know she is the love of my life and that I can’t find a better person to spend the rest of my life with. However, after going through the pandemic together and having a child I feel like something is missing. I am constantly finding myself fantasizing about other people. I’ve been told that if I’m having these thoughts then I can’t be truly happy with my partner, but I don’t know if that’s my truth. I may be scared to admit it or scared to leave and break up my family, but I’m starting to think that I’m poly. Looking over my previous relationships I have always cheated and never been satisfied with my primary partner. This is the only relationship I haven’t cheated but I can feel myself getting close. I love my wife so much and I feel that if I even mention this to her then our marriage is over. She will think I don’t love her and that she’s not good enough for me and won’t be able to understand that it’s impossible for her to meet all of my needs. She has been poly before and when we first started dating I made my preferences very clear that I am not going to share her and have no desire to date anyone else. If I tell her that now I’ve changed my mind I know she won’t react well. I just don’t know what to do.

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Having this conversation is better than you cheating on her

@Jessica im not confused about that part. It’s not a question of do I explore without telling her. It’s more of a question of is this even something I want or is this just a phase of me being unsatisfied in our relationship that will pass. I guess I’m just trying to figure out things in my own before I approach the conversation with my partner.

I’d look more into past relationships and try to see why you felt like cheating vs communicating your needs or leaving the relationship if there were unmet needs. I discovered that I’m poly but my past is serial monogamy. I had just thought that if I had feelings for someone else while with a partner that who I was with wasn’t “the one”. Look into your fantasizing, what is it that your mind is latching onto that you don’t see in your current relationship? Beware of the “Disneyland effect” where you’re seeking outside partners to be an escape/ vacation from your nested home responsibilities. Maybe see if can work out time to enjoy a hobby group for something you enjoy that haven’t gotten to do in a while to get that interpersonal connection without it being a partner. Work with what you do know, that you are craving some kind of connection with other people. Our culture so isolates married couples and Covid didn’t help that! We need a circle of support.

In my previous relationships I think I was young and selfish and when an opportunity presented itself I definitely wanted the thrill and cared more about the experience than I did about my partner. Sometimes I cheated for revenge, like you did it and now I get a free pass. The most recent time it wasn’t just a one time thing and we were definitely dating. My gf lived out of state and we were on and off and trying to make to work, but struggling. I met a this girl by chance at a sporting event and we hit it off. She was in a similar on and off situation and it was a friendship that one night turned into more. The only reason that ended was because I moved out of state to be with my gf and never went back.

Im definitely not looking to escape my home responsibilities. I love my time at home with my family. I also need more social interactions. I have sport hobbies and when I have time to keep up with them certainly get a lot of out them. It meets my physical exercise needs and some social needs. My top love languages are physical touch and quality time. There have been circumstantial reasons and some of my wife’s preferences and needs why I am not able to get those needs met at home. We don’t sleep in the same room 90 percent of the time so there’s rarely time for cuddling and sex. My wife also goes to bed early and I’m a night owl so we don’t have very much 1:1 time together. I’m very lonely from 7:30pm to whatever time I fall asleep.