AITA?

Not being unreasonable at all, I’m in the exact same boat to a T. My girls birthday party was three weeks ago and SS didn’t come. He doesn’t care for my daughter and doesn’t acknowledge her. Thankfully BM didn’t know and had already planned a day out. SS never knew about it so all was fine. It’s your daughters day and a day for you as well celebrating a year of motherhood. People will have different opinions of this, but do what you feel is right. Step parenting is so hard!

Thanks! Glad to know I'm not the only one going through this and feeling torn on how to deal with it. It's so hard to decide what to do. It's not like we are trying to keep a secret, but i don't think we could avoid bm finding out as her and MIl are friends on social media & mil loves to post everything. I just don't think she will be very understanding. But like you said it is our daughters day and i do feel she deserves people there who love and want to celebrate her & SS would just bring the mood down. I just want it to go smoothly and be fun, no stress, no drama! Being a step parent is definitely hard!

My ss went through a phase like this, not wanting to see dad with no reasoning. We carried on as normal and unfortunately he did miss out on things, if it was due to be his time with us, we would ask if he would like to come over( wouldn’t say what we are doing) as I don’t believe he should just come when we are spending money every time. It’s such a hard one as you don’t want the drama, but if it’s not your time to have him, I wouldn’t invite him and bm doesn’t really have a say as it’s your daughters day. Plus if ss doesn’t want to come normally then why should he come to ruin her day. X

I hate to be that person but you are being unreasonable. He is 10 years old and there’s probably a reason he’s not wanting to see his dad right now. His dad should put more effort into finding out why. These are the moments he’s going to remember most. Your daughter won’t remember her 1st birthday but he’ll remember how he wasn’t invited. You’re the adult, he is the child so I don’t agree with tit for tat. If he doesn’t want to go then that’s fine but you not inviting him is wrong. Can dad not speak to his mum and say if he wants to come he’s invited but if he starts acting up they can drop him back home?

@Clarissa yes, thats my worry that he will be happy to do all the things that involve us spending lots of money and him getting treats but still ignore us all. To me that feels like being rewarded for bad behaviour or saying he can treat people however he likes and everyone should still bend over backwards for him. He already gets his own way with everyone & I don't want that kind of behaviour to rub off on our daughter either. Yh, that's my thought, if it was an invite to come to our house & spend time with us all or even just his dad he would decline so it seem kinda pointless to invite him to the party as he clearly doesn't want to be around us.

@Angel I do agree that his dad should put more effort into finding out the reasons & thats something he & his bm need to discuss. Obviously it would be nice if he & his son worked through things before the party but unfortunately I dont think that's likely. I'm not sure I agree it's tit for tat when he's expressed in action & words not wanting anything to do with us or his sister, but I can see how it may look like that to some. I just want to protect my peace and celebrate our daughter. I do just feel like he should be on good terms with his dad if he is to come anywhere with us. I also don't think that in the real world, if he treated people like he does us that he would get a positive response back & I do wonder how he would learn that lesson if like you are saying we should still include him in everything. You are right though, we could invite him & he could say no anyway. I'm just torn really as It's such a hard situation to navigate in general.

This is hard If he isn’t having contact with dad then would he even want to come/would BM want him to go Has dad tried to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want contact? I think it’s nice to invite him - he is only a child and that is still your child’s sibling regardless what’s going on! I couldn’t imagine not inviting my SD to my daughters birthday regardless Sometimes we have to be the adult 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also to add to this - you say if he treated people like he does you all in real life he wouldn’t get treated well and how else would he learn his lesson I think most people treat family differently to how they treat others we can be more our selves with family and act differently! You have to ask yourself how you and your partner would feel if in 15/20 years things are repaired but he doesn’t invite you to say his wedding because of this 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Amy so true. He’s only 10 but being treated like an adult. Being 10 he’s not going to understand the “life lesson” being taught. He is just going to think they don’t consider him part of their family to even bother inviting him to his sisters birthday. Whatever behaviour he has, his dad has to handle it and continue to try get through to him as a 10 year old little boy.

OP I don’t agree that he has to be on good terms with his dad to go anywhere with you all. Their issues might not be fixed overnight and it could be deeper than you think. At the end of the day he’s just a kid and he needs his dad to be a dad. Which means, no matter how much he tries to push him away, dad still needs to show up for him. If your child was going through behaviour issues you wouldn’t want your partner to give up on her either. I’m not saying you should spoil your daughters 1st birthday but I don’t think him being there and ignoring you is a big deal. I’d just roll my eyes and enjoy the day. You paying for everything..I’m mean so what if you’re paying? He’s not going to go half’s with you at 10 years old. I think if you set boundaries that he’ll be sent back to his mums if he misbehaves would be much more reasonable

@Amy yes that's the thing he may not even want to come if he's invited and I do think bm & mil would push him to attend. Honestly he's always acted this way since the first time I met him Me & my daughter are not close to him as husband has mostly chosen to take him out & do things with us not there so if he didn't invite me to his wedding in the future I can't say I'd be upset by it just because the opportunity to be close to him hasn't been there. We also lived abroad most of his life but don't now.

OP - I think you’ve probably hit the nail on the head as to why there’s no relationship.. you was abroad most of his life so he likely doesn’t have that close of a bond with dad which in turn means he doesn’t with you either… the fact dad then does things just them is cementing even more he isn’t part of your family unit..

@Angel Obviously i havent raised a 10 year old sister guess I assumed kids that age would know if you are rude to a classmate for example or tell them you don't want to talk to them or be their friend they then wouldnt expect to be invited to a sleepover or party they put on. Obviously it's not as black & white as that with family as there's more to consider. But if you say a 10 year old wouldn't understand situations similar to that then Obviously that's good for me to understand moving forward.

@Angel I do agree this is a bigger issue for my husband to deal with & try to fix and agree he needs to show up regardless. It's nice that you wouldn't be phased by him showing up & ignoring you, unfortunately it would really bother me, I'm more sensitive in that respect & as he's always not greeted me or said goodbye I feel it's hard to constantly feel like you're trying and not get anything back or being constantly disrespected. It takes it's toll. As for the money comment, that's not about him paying half of anything, he's 10 obviously no one would ever expect that. As another person said earlier it shouldn't be he just wants to be around for the nice things like costly days out where hes getting treated but then say no to just general time with us or his dad at the house or park all while saying he doesn't want a relationship with his dad.

If he was rude to a classmate and wasn’t invited to the party that’s different from an actual family event. Being excluded from family at 10 years old as a form of punishment because he has understandable issues with his dad is just not good. His dad lived abroad for most his life and comes back with a whole new family that he doesn’t even have a bond with? That’s actually quite a lot to deal with for a 10 year old and his behaviour should actually be expected. Dad has a lot to compensate for actually but he’s choosing to give him more “space”. You might not care for him but you’re currently a figure and core memory in his present childhood that he’ll always remember. Try and go easier on him.

@Amy I didn't think of it like that, thanks for pointing that out. Tbh I can't type our whole life story on here obviously but yes there are so many dimensions to it all that's why it's hard to navigate.

And with all due respect, his dad wasn’t there to even spend general time with him growing up so why is it up to SS to step up. I would definitely be going for all the treats and days out if I was him tbh. He deserves it for what he’s missed out on. Eventually it might be he grows to just enjoy spending time with you all but it’s going to take a lot of time considering everything

Thanks for all the insight. I don't think I'm opposed to SS being invited to outings or little things we may do. I think maybe as it's my daughters first birthday it feels like a big milestone not only for her but also for me as a FTM. Motherhood is tough and we've made it to 1 year through all the ups and downs & I just want to feel at ease on the day to celebrate. I will probably discuss more with my husband as it's his son he should probably make the final decision really. All I can hope is we all can move forward together as a family and really develop a great bond with ss over time.

Wish you all the best! Trust me I understand your perspective as it’s the first birthday and everything and I get why you feel the way you do but I just think it would cause more inner issues with SS. Hope it works out