Breastfeeding woes

Context: my baby was born a month early in NICU for a week and wouldn’t latch so was put on bottle and formula. I’ve been pumping since baby was born and trying to get baby to nurse with no success. No judgement on those who chose formula or like me didn’t have a choice but I became obsessed with trying to produce breast milk and it’s hard to let go of that. Wondering if I’m crazy for keep trying for 4mo pumping when I make at most 5ml in 24hrs… I’ve spent over a thousand dollars on lactation consultants and supplements and renting hospital grade pump and kind of regret it bc nothing worked to increase my supply. I have became so obsessed with why my body won’t produce and it may be due to stress? I have to return the pump tomorrow and return to work, and dunno if it is worth it to keep trying. I feel so defeated and cheated like I should have quit earlier for my sanity but they just want my money so they make me feel like I’m a bad parent and don’t care enough if I don’t try or are not willing to throw money at the problem. Now I’m out of savings and I feel like an idiot bc I could have used that money to give my child other necessary things and maybe we would not be struggling so much financially if I had not been so stubborn on this issue! Just curious if anyone else had similar experience, or any advice on how to avoid this problem as I’d like to give my child a sibling in the future once we are financially stable again.

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This resonates with me. I assumed I’d breastfeed. Never thought twice about it. Then my son was 5.5 weeks early and could not suckle hard enough to nourish himself. Also saw 2 lactation consultants, rented the hospital grade pump for 2 months. Pumping was a mental load I could not deal with. It was taking me away from my son and I felt so isolated and alone, spiraling with pump times, frequency, bagging, cleaning. I weaned off pumping at 5 months and forced myself not to look back. My son is now 21 months and thriving. He’s tall and strong and no worse off for being combo fed his entire life and then exclusively formula fed. He also had a happier mama because I quit pumping. Give yourself grace to let this go so you can put your energy elsewhere. Maybe think of some things that you can do instead of pumping and stressing about pumping/supply.

I totally relate! I've had many of those exact thoughts and processes. My baby was born in NICU at 28+6 and was too small to latch. I pumped obsessively for months because I felt like I could make up lost time in my tummy by at least giving her my milk. I've also tried everything to increase supply, nothing worked. The stress of the pressure doesn't help either.. After reading many stories from NICU moms, I came to the conclusion that you can never really achieve a large supply without ever having a baby latch and suck, unless you're very blessed. A pump just isn't the same. It's heartbreaking. I was finally able to make the decision to stop when I realized I was a better mom without this obsession. I set a date that was special to me and since then I've been slowly increasing the time between pumps. I'm almost done now and I'm going to buy one of those beautiful rings with a stone made from my milk. I hope it helps to know you are not alone and you aren't failing. ❤️

Thanks everyone for the responses it was very helpful. Although heartbreaking it was to give up on breastfeeding after trying everything I could afford… reading many stories from other preemie moms I feel like less of a failure now.

@Yscha how did you get a ring made from stone of your milk? That sounds beautiful

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