Dealing With A lot of Guilt and Pain šš ā ļøLengthy Postā ļø
I had my first child at 16 years old my daughter who will be 15 years old next month. I had my son at 18 who just turned 13 years oldā¦and now at 31 I got my fat mama š whoās 4 months oldā¦Before I had my third baby for many years I have dealt with a great amount of guilt and regret over the type of mother I was as a teenager it hurts me so bad because I was not capable of being the mother that I was suppose to be due to me being a child who was enraged at the time and traumatized about the abuse I have always experienced in my upbringingā¦Even at the time I had two kids as a teenager I was still getting abused mentally, emotionally and verbally my home was literal hellā¦There was no way I was going to have a chance to do the right thing with the type of toxic individuals I had around me with the main one being my motherā¦She was there throughout my pregnancies as a teenager, and she got me things that my babies need it at first when I had them, but as far as a good support system, somebody to guide me properly and help me mentally and emotionally she was never that because she have always abused me since I was a child physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally and she was very toxic and manipulative towards us her childrenā¦ my mother was severely abused by her mother and my father, and she was just the type of person who wasnāt capable of breaking the cycle and by the time she realized everything she had done it It was already too late we were already all grown and damaged/traumatized left alone to heal ourselves. I had no one around me that was mentally and emotionally healthy, or a good example of what it was to be a good mother. I also watched my sister abuse her kids as a child myself way before I had children so that messed with me tooā¦I always kept my children clean and I show them a lot of love because I grew up with no love and I always said that I wanted to be different than my parents and that I wanted to break the cycle and I thank God so so much because I really feel blessed that I had enough self-awareness at a young age and self reflection to know that I wanted to break the cycle and do things differently and that I was willing to do that, but it took time and I made a lot of mistakes. Iām guilty about when it comes to being a mom. I regret it so much and I wish I could take time back and be a better mother when I was a teenager and enjoy my babies more and have more patience as a mom it was just so many things I felt short in.. fast forward to now I just had a baby four months ago and Iām in my 30sā¦ having a baby in my 30s is such a blessing such a breath of fresh air. Itās such a difference I mean night a day. When you have a baby in your 30s, itās so much better because youāre way more mature, you have the patience that is needed to be a parent, I soak in the moment more of being a new mother for the third time. I enjoy my baby and Iām even better at routines and just taking care of my baby overall something that I wasnāt capable to do in the way that I am now when I was a teenager. But at the same time, it just makes me feel way worse about the type of mother that I was because the mother that my four month old baby girl is getting itās not the mother that my two oldest hadā¦.Can any mommas out here relate šš or had similar experiences?
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Maybe try family therapy with your two oldest? I didnāt have the same experience but am currently going through therapy with my mother who was also a teen mom. Being able to talk about things has made our relationship so much better.
My parents had me young. My father was not the best to me. He later had more kids and was more attentive and loving towards them. Tbh, at first it did kind of hurt. It felt like there was something wrong with me to make him not like that to me, but since then, we've amended our relationship and I feel happy for my younger siblings. All they'll ever know is the dad they have now and it makes me proud to see how much better he is to them
Itās good that you recognize the areas of where you couldāve improved. Have you had talks with your older children about their experience growing up with you? Have you shared how feel with them?
yea Iām currently in therapy for my self but family therapy doesnāt sound bad I just want to heal and let it go and realize the good that did do but my guilt and regret about the the bad things wonāt let me š I just want it to be a mother that didnāt make any mistakes š
its a great thing that even though you didnāt have the dad that your siblings have that youāre still able to be happy for them and proud that they didnāt experience the same thing you did that speaks volumes about youā¦ I just want my two oldest to know that I love them so much and I did the best I could with what I knew but I wish I wouldāve done better you knowā¦
so they know how I feel I told them before that I had them young and I made a lot of mistakes and I regret it the guilt eats me up aliveā¦I told them I did best I could and that I love them but Iām aware of the areas I did poorly Inā¦They tell me āmom youāre a good mom why do you feel like that, youāre the best momā and I just start balling crying but Iām thinking maybe I can ask them to share with me in writing how would they describe growing up with meā¦I should def do thatā¦
You can let go of that guilt, youāve done your part of taking responsibility for your actions and behaviors and made the change to be better. Your children donāt blame you or seem to hold any hard feelings so if they can forgive you itās your turn to forgive yourself š
Your comment made me tear up š„ŗ forgiving myself itās one of the hardest things I ever had to do but Iām working on it for sure š
Girl my experience is so similar to yours. My mother too couldnāt help what she had learned. While my mother was not physically abusive the words never seemed to seize if she was upset. She to was tortured by her own mother. I to had my son at 18 years old. 11th grade summer. He was only 3months old when I graduated. I to could have done a lot better. But thank God he gave me a testimony I can share with others and relate with and help. Your testimony matters. The ups and the downs. If it werenāt for the downs you might not be the person you are today. Your family has waited generations for someone like you. Your Are a generational curse breaker. God knew the mistakes you would make before he formed you and he still choose to. Your testimony makes you strong and gave you a beautiful heart. I to just had a little not long ago and it is night and day difference when closer towards 30s. We live in a very broken world and the kids today who are being hurt and find faith and hope in
Your testimony. Kids today need a reminder there not alone. God does not seek the righteous but seeks sinners who want to repent and change and live for him. Your heart definitely sounds like you do. I will be praying that all guilt that is trying to consume you will flee in Jesus Mighty name. Rest assure God loves you and is proud of you and wants you to be happy.
wheew sheesh I needed to hear this, another comment that made me tear up šš„ŗā¦Thank you so much for your kind words it really made my dayā¦I most definitely want continue being a generational curse breaker Iām so blessed that my consciousness has always spoke to me and Iāve always known that I want to be different with my children than what my parents were to me. God has blessed me with so much self-awareness and self reflection and Iām so thankful for that because sometimes a lot of people that have been abused as children donāt have the capacity to be able to not repeat the cycle and get help and healā¦ and yes, youāre right kids need to know that theyāre not alone that they are loved and they deserve a good healthy childhood with a lot of love.
thank you so much again for your kind words and thank you for your prayers I definitely need them. šš
Any time sis ššš Much Love
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