Rant

I’m sorry can I just rant. Im at the point where my heart hurts. My mother tries to be a good person but every single person (including myself) who has met her all consensually agree - she’s not ok. Mentally not sure if BPD or bipolar but she is not alright. On top of her drinking a lot. I don’t use that lightly and I have a psychology background and hate when people throw “diagnoses” around. I don’t have a good relationship with her and she has caused a lot of trauma. She’s in my life kind of but we aren’t close. I’ve lost/missed out/wont experience a lot of things because of how she is. My father never corrects her and just feeds into whatever behaviour she shows so he gets peace My father has anger issues - improved significantly throughout the years but between my mother and father I struggle with my temper which I am desperately trying to cut off at me. I don’t know my biological father. My fiance is a good man but honestly never changes what I need him to change. I hate how he sometimes talks to me and we have a lot of trauma from one another. He tries hard in many ways and is no way abusive but what I want and who he is is showing how much we are different. My friends all live away or don’t have kids. I’m a SAHM which was always my dream but I feel like I don’t get a break. My son sleeps independently until it’s nap time then I can’t leave his side despite sleeping by himself all night. I’m very grateful for so many things but I don’t want to doom scroll/ watch movies for hours I have things I need to get done and I never get a break I feel like I have no one and I don’t have a safe place/persob. We have no family here so it’s 24hrs me. I literally sometimes get to the point I understand why people pick up and just walk away.