Remove myself where I not wanted

Mil and I relationship changed the minute her son moved out, and we got pregnant. While pregnant, she told me if her son had to choose between her and I, he chose me. At that time, I thought it was so weird. But now I see it was a red flag. Through the years, there have been so many instances where she showed signs of jealousy and just not accepting me as part of their family because she is not #1 anymore. My husband and I are in couples theraphy now, and he understands things that he didn't understand back then, and it has helped to open his eyes. Due to all the stress from my upbringing and dealing with his mom, i went through post partum depression. I have been diagnosed by ptsd and just have no tolerance where I am not respected. My husband set boundaries with them, and they seem better. However, I just get so triggered around in laws when I visit that I spiral down into a depression for days until I feel better. I hate feeling like this and I'm thinking of just removing myself from holidays or visits with his family as its doing me more harm than good to be around his family. I want to just cut them off, and if husband or daughter want to go, they can. Im doing this for my own mental health. Im just worried this will backfire on me later on? Will my daughter as she get older notice im not around dads family?? Will in-laws get more resentful or be happy i not there because that's what it seems like? How would I explain to my daughter when she notices im not around. What would I say? Am I reasonable or unreasonable? I am just seeking advice

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Putting your own mental health is the most important thing for you to do. It’s a tricky situation in a sense, however you have to do what’s best for you, and your husband understands and will (or at least should) understand the decision you make and why. As far as your daughter, when she’s older I find that sometimes the truth is the best thing you can do, but also explaining and emphasizing that it has nothing to do with her and that it’s what’s best for you, due to circumstances. And sometimes that conversation isn’t easy to have because there can be a 50/50, where she looks at things differently but also explaining to her that his family still loves and cares about her, and if you have to leave major details out until she’s really old enough to comprehend and understand it all then do that. I also believe that you should give yourself sometime and slowly try and ease your way back in (or see if you can try) sometimes jumping right on the horse right after falling off..

Cont. Isn’t the best idea, give yourself time and grace, and if you find out that you still can’t after a few tries down the road then that is ok. Because you have to take care of you first 🤍

First of all, I think it's great that you and your spouse are in couples therapy. This could even be a topic you discuss with your therapist because they will have a good, objective view of the situation. Many people struggle with their in-laws, I imagine the therapist has seen it all and knows how to approach it. I don't think that you're wrong to set and maintain your boundaries, that's healthy. I do agree that it may come at a cost. For your mental health, I completely makes sense that you would not want to take part in these events, especially when it's bringing you down for so long after. There may be exercises your therapist can talk you through for that. Otherwise I think it's fine to not take part in family gatherings, you can see how you feel after and if that helps. I think a lot of it will also depend on the age of your child.

@Lydia thank you Lydia all the advice was really helpful. i will talk to my therapist soon and see what she what other perspective she might have. I do believe for so long I neglected my mental health and did not take care of myself first. I know in-laws would care less if I am present as long as their son and grand daughter are there.

@Lacey my daughter is 5 I don't think she even notices i don't go or why she just knows she goes to visit with dad. She hasn't asked yet so idk when would be an appropriate time to talk to her? Maybe one day when she wonders or asks?

You’re welcome. Talking with her would be a great first step. You got this. It’ll get better it’s just gonna take time so remember to be patient with yourself, and commend every step you take even if it’s a baby one.

@Lydia thank you again ♡

If she's not noticing now, I think I would wait until she does say nothing. When you act like everything is normal, it feels normal. I also like what Lydia said about reintroducing yourself to these situations in time. It's okay to take a step back for a while and find your footing ❤️❤️

@Lacey thank you lacey that's a good idea your advice is much appreciated

Your mental health is important. Only thing I would be concerned about is if his mother might try to make you look bad to your daughter (or husband) by saying something like “mommy doesn’t like grandma” or “mommy doesn’t want to be here because…”. Hopefully your husband will continue to have your back and not get sucked back in to his mom’s foolishness and codependency.

Don’t make any decisions that you are not willing to live with the consequences of. There are going to be some negative outcomes to your choice to be around them or remove yourself. You honestly just have to weigh the pros and cons. What choice feels more damaging to you? I know the choice I would make in this situation but I would also be willing to face the consequences that come with that. I do have a rule when it comes to my child’s family. As long as the person is a safe adult, no matter what I feel about them, I do not restrict access to my child. That’s their family and they deserve to have that connection if the love is mutual.

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