My son behaving inappropriately in school

Before half term my son’s school made a referral to social services because he’d been slapping kids bums in class. I spoke to him about it and he’s said that another kid did it to him in after school club, told him serious it was etc. ss phones me and closed the case, no further action they had no concerns. Fast forward today, the headteacher has phoned me and he’s been behaving inappropriately, talking about nuts. Using bananas to imitate intimate parts, touching a child’s bum. I am very sure they he has got these words from his friends, because I’ve heard them saying them and it’s only me and the kids in the house, no man around. Thing is, I’ve been made aware by another parent and seen myself when my son meets up with his friends outside school, that they encourage him to do these outrageous things when teachers are around, in class etc because they know he will do it and obviously they won’t because they don’t want to get into trouble. To add context, my son has a diagnosis of impulsive and inattentive type adhd. I honestly don’t know what to do, I cannot stop him from doing these things when I’m not there, I can only Do so much at home. I also feel quite angry with the school because at the end of the day other kids have taught him this language, other kids are encouraging him to engage in inappropriate attention seeking behaviours in class, and this is something that’s happening in school, they haven’t put a stop to it, they shouldn’t be allowing this to happen because end of the day he has a diagnosed disability directly related to impulsiveness and other children are taking advantage of it, but I’m being made the scapegoat because rather than managing the children in their classrooms properly they’re phoning social services. I should add that I have had to make multiple complaints to the school before. He has a 1/1 teacher, all of this and he’s still being encouraged to do things by other kids. I’m not sure if in this exact instance that’s what’s happened but I’m guessing he’s doing it because other kids have egged him on before and he wants the attention, wants to make them all laugh etc. I honestly don’t know what to do I feel so stressed and upset with it all

Show your support

I want to start by saying that being a single mum is an incredible job and it looks like your heart is in the right place caring for your child and advocating for him. I also want to say that there is not much a school can do regarding peer pressure, especially at this age. It’s a difficult situation but I would start with having a talk with him and speaking out of curiosity not shaming or pointing fingers. If you come to a few names that may be behind these behaviors, then I would communicate these names to the HT and ask for a change in class. I would arrange a few playdates in a nearby park with a few “good kids”, just to give him choices on who he can socialize with. I would also -for my peace of mind- look into where he might have gotten some of these gestures, because some of them can indicate exposure to sexual content. It doesn’t have to be a male who exposes kids to this. It can be in a you tube video, having access to porn, seeing a babysitter or family member or

friend watching porn. It could be from online grooming or even from in person grooming if he spends alone time with anyone (male or female). God forbid any of this is true, but I would check personally just to put my mind at ease.

Oh I know where he got it from. From his group of friends, even heard them using those words in my house which I’ve obviously told them not to do. Seen and heard them telling him to do things he’s not supposed to be doing, other parents/kids seen it too and told me. There might not be too much school can do but I feel like they do need to do something, given he’s got an ADHD diagnosis that is a big part of why he will do these inappropriate things in front of adults when others wont, because of the impulse control. They’ve told him they wouldn’t be his friend anymore if he didn’t do it in the past too, now with them making these referrals it just frustrates me even more because it’s clear to me that he’s been exposed to this inappropriate things while in school, so irrelevant to anyone outside of school so then what is the referral about? I can talk to him but I can’t stop him being exposed while not there or control what he does. It’s them that needs to pull their finger out.

Could he change classes? Can you exclude these friends from playdates? Invite new classmates over? It won’t be easy, but worth a try.

Not really, it’s a small school they only have one class for each year group. I could try inviting other kids, there’s one child in particular who is very kind and well behaved, the kid that my son gets a lot of the inappropriate behaviour from is mean to him often as well.

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌