Tantrum or autistic meltdown

I'm slightly questioning if my toddler is autistic here. It's not a problem if he is but I think perhaps I need to adjust my/ hubbys approach. My toddler will have 'tantrums' which starts from not getting what he wants. However sometimes with very little stimulus he has a full blown meltdown often after a long day. Example, yesterday he was out with grandparents all day Gets home and he picks that he wants meatballs for dinner. Meatballs were made. Dad said about putting gravy on them he said no dad reinforced he would want gravy he said no again and got some reason dad heard yes and put gravy on. Meltdown activates. He is beside himself cannot regulate. We tried being nice. We tried ignoring. (Dad then started telling him he would have to go sit in his room which I don't agree with) I ended up hugging him and applying pressure to him until he calmed down. Then I finally managed to get him to be coherent and discuss feelings a bit. And that it's ok to have big feelings. As soon as food was mentioned meltdown would start again so I employed a method I used to do with send kids. I picked up a meatball and said mmm looks good I want to taste it let's just have a lick. And licked it. Convinced him to lick one. Then a touch... Then a bite... Until I got him. To eat a whole 3 meatballs. But then I basically ha dto spoon feed him the resy of his meal because he was so disregulated if he started trying to eat he would meltdown again. It feels a lot like his tantrums are more than tantrums and the methods I'm needing to control him are ones I would use at work for persons with autistic qualities. Dad doesn't seem to understand how to deal with him (dad is autistic) and does keep saying about putting him into his room sort of like a naughty step etc which is not really appropriate for his age. My toddler is 3... Am I dealing with this wrong? Are we having autistic meltdowns or is this just regular tantrums. I will say baby 2 is 6 months and just starting to eat so I did wonder if this was to get attention away from him at the table as we were making sure he didn't choke (blw)
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Honestly sounds like a pretty typical toddler! They are learning how people respond to their actions and they want to see how much control they have so they push boundaries plus if they are overwhelmed this can cause meltdowns very common with toddlers! And for that age those kind of methods are honestly great with all toddlers not just sn kids! Obviously you know him though so if you see other signs you could look into it, but that sounds like pretty normal toddler stuff!

I suppose I just worry. I'm trying to be a somewhere near gentle parent without being ridiculous about it but also my husband starts being I think too harsh like setting timers and taking his food if he's messing around. I try abd explain the consequence of what will happen if he doesn't eat then simulate another scenario nearby

It sounds normal to me, but also the different parenting styles between you both could also be adding to your childs reactions

So far sounds pretty normal typical toddler to me but also saying that maybe right down in a book that is common for autism and once get to a certain amount then get evaluated since dad has autism wee man could also get it but it's 50/50

My eldest has autism came from his dad's side of family my 2nd and 3rd don't have it (2nd and 3rd have different dad to my 1st)

Firstly I wouldn't say any 3 year old can regulate well, that something that develops over the next decade with our support. Sending a child away to their room gives the message that they have to deal with their emotions alone, and when it already feels too big, that's likely to going to help. To be honest it sounds like the issue is not being heard and developmentally children are experimenting with 'no' and preferences at that age. In that example Dad unfortunately didn't hear his no and your little one has reacted with anger to let you know his boundary has been crossed. To me this is a behavioural thing routed in communication around attachment. The world is keen to pathologist children at present and actually most of the time it's children finding their way, parents too...😂 It's a dance!

Often it's talked about how ASD people stim when feeling strong emotions, but actually we all stim it's just to what extent. Swimming helps to regulate everyone so some methods used to help ASD will naturally help non-ASD. Smoking is a stim, biting nails, drinking wine too 😉

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