in Breastfeeding/Nursing & pumping Mamas

I need to vent, I feel guilty for venting but I have to.

First off I want to commend you mamas that are killing it out there. I truly respect all of you. But with that being said I’m only 1 month into this as an EP first time mom and I’m finding it harder and harder each day. From the very beginning my babygirl wouldn’t latch, and this was something that never even crossed my mind before she was born, so once she was and wasn’t latching my whole game plan had to change in an instant. I had to become an exclusive pumping mom. However I’m finding the cycle of feeding, calming her after feeds in order to put her down, changing diapers, pumping, washing pump parts and bottles, and trying to find a time to eat, or even go to the bathroom too much, before I know it the cycle begins again. I tip my hat to moms who can feed and pump at the same time I haven’t mastered that yet, I’ve tried and I just feel my output while pumping isn’t the same as if I wasn’t feeding at the same time. And I love my husband to death he is a wonderful man who is doing a whole lot, but he’ll make comments to me like “please nap during the day.” Like it’s that easy! The 2-3 hour cycle I’m living by goes to fast, before I know it it’s time to feed again and do it all over. For Pete’s sake I don’t even shower until after my husband comes home from work, and even then it’s a quick in and out shower just to wash away the stink of PP BO and breastmilk. If I do happen to sneak in a nap with her it’s very short and then I feel guilty for not getting certain things done I should have done, or I’m playing catch up with pumping or washing bottles and pump parts. I’ve been trying all I can to get her to latch, she had a severe upper lip tie and a minor tongue tie, we had those cut and they healed well, she has the mouth strength to latch, but won’t. I’ve seen a lactation consultant and I’m working on trying the tips she recommended (waiting on nipple shields to come in the mail) but I feel if she doesn’t ever latch my feeding breastmilk days will be short lived and I truly do not want that. As is I’m staring at a bag full of laundry that needs folding, while consoling my little one because she doesn’t want to be put down right now, and I’m watching the clock tick closer to another feeding, changing and then pumping. How do you all manage this? Or am I not alone in feeling like this viscous cycle is all consuming. I even try to supplement with formula for a few feeds in order to build up a pre-feeding stash, but that seems to get smaller and smaller day by day. And none of these rants have anything to do with regular life effecting me as well. Such things as feeling like I’ve lost a sense of who I am as an individual, obviously I know I’m no longer the same person before she was born, but I was hoping to hold onto a little bit of the person I was prior, but I feel she’s gone. Having to deal with an elder sick cat, who is my handsome man. He been with me for 15 years and it kills me to see him struggling and it scares me to think his end is near. The concept that I barely leave the apartment because the cycle of the day just takes a hold of me, and before I know it the day is over and it starts all over again. Ugh I know I sound whiny and I hate sounding this way, but I feel if anyone would understand the stresses of what I’m feeling would be moms here. I apologize if I sound very ungrateful for the blessing that is my daughter I don’t mean to, because she is the best thing that has happened to me, I just never thought the real life struggle of having to change my game plan of how she feeds being such a difficult task. Thank you all for listening (reading) my rant.

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I am right there with you. My 5 week old won’t latch and am pumping daily. It constantly feels like you’re in a cycle of feeding and pumping. I feel like I’m constantly watching the clock. Getting out of the house even with my husband has been difficult for this reason. Your feelings are valid. Do whatever is best for your mental health. I read that a baby only needs 4 oz of breastmilk a day in order to benefit from the nutrients found within it. If you do decide to cut down then those 4 oz would be sufficient, but your baby will also be fine if you decide to use formula moving forward. Sending positive thoughts your way

First of all, never apologize for being honest. You can be grateful for her AND have a hard time. Both are true. It is okay ❤️ Secondly, I was also an exclusive pumper and I 100% understand that feeling of wasting the day away on the same cycle over and over. My husband and I had an agreement that if I didnt get to something on the day, he wouldn't say a word about it. He saw how much I was struggling and he did everything he could to help, but he also had work, so sometimes things just didnt get done. We STILL get clean clothes out of a basket or the dryer sometimes. It's not shameful, it's what works. Third, if youre able to get multiple pump parts so you dont have to wash as frequently, do it. I had 4 sets and would wash when I had the energy/time or once I've used all 4 or my husband would wash at the end of the day when he got home from work. Lastly, there is absolutely no shame in going to formula, for any reason. Your mental health is most important. ❤️

@ashley it’s relieving to know I’m not alone in the guilt I feel for feeling this way. Like I said I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning in motherhood tasks but sometimes it’s just all too much.

@Stephanie I actually just purchased extra parts for my pumps because I was getting so sick of constantly washing and drying what I had. Just waiting for those to come in as well. And thank you for making my feelings feel valid. And I’m very grateful for my husband, he tells me everyday I’m doing so much, it just feels at times like I’m not doing enough. And god knows he’s also dealing with sleep deprivation and then working an 8+ hour day. But we do try to maintain some sort of routine when he gets home so I can shower and eat and prep for the night feedings. Thank you again!

Hi momma. I was in the same trenches the first month or two when my little couldn’t latch. The biggest savior for me was the Medela hand pump. It allowed me to pump one at a time while I held her during the times she wouldn’t let me put her down. The fridge hack also saved me not having to wash every time I pumped if you can’t get extra parts. I am almost 7 months PP, pumping AND bf’ing and I can tell you it does get easier once you find a routine. But also, if it’s taking a toll on your mental health, there’s nothing wrong with considering formula.

You need to do what you need to do for your mental health! EP is SOO much. But I will say that you are still able to keep attempting to get baby to latch and they might figure it out still. I EP for almost 3 months before baby figured out his latch. We used a nipple shield to help transition.

@Erin Try to remember that just because the house is messy or you havent cooked dinner for the 3rd night in a row, you're still doing a TON! Breastfeeding burns a lot of calories, so even if you're sitting on the couch/bed for 4 hours+ a day, your body is using a lot of energy to make milk. You are CONSTANTLY working and being tired physically and/or mentally is fully understandable. I'm very glad you have a supportive husband! Also, look up "Get your pink back" it was started because when mother flamingos have babies, they lose their pink coloring but eventually it comes back. Its a symbol now that even though you feel like youve lost yourself after birth, you will get yourself back ❤️

@Monica the lactation consultant I met with yesterday recommended I try and shield so I went ahead and ordered some, they arrive tomorrow. Fingers crossed it helps with her latching so we can move forward. I truly don’t want to give up on any of this whether she latches or not, I’d like he to drink my milk for as long as I can do it! Thank you for responding it truly helps to know we aren’t alone in these hiccups in motherhood

@Katelyn I have a manual hand pump I should give it a try again because you’re not the only one who’s told me to try it. I just felt it never emptied me quite as well and I never got a full enough supply from it. But that was when my milk was first coming in, so now that I have an established supply I wonder if it would be better. Thank you for the advice and thank you for the support

Humans are meant to be in communities and current nuclear families are great till you have kids. You are not meant to do this alone but have support of other adults in addition to your husband. Unfortunately in current society the village has to be bought and most people can’t afford to do it and this results in an overwhelmed and exhausted mother. Just wanted to give you some perspective. It’s hard to do it with support, it’s even harder without it. It will get easier each month but it will never be easy. So what you are experiencing is absolutely normal.

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