Co-Sleeping is an issue
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@Rhiannon so we live separately, and that makes it difficult. She refuses to hire a babysitter or have someone watch her son, and I've never had an issue with him being around. But we've never gone out to dinner, on a date, or even had a single conversation without her son around, let alone any adult time. Her son unfortunately doesn't give us a chance to be alone in a separate for more than 5 minutes. But she has him 24/7 as she's a single mom. I've offered to pay for a babysitter, and she refuses, saying she won't have anyone watch him. I can handle her co-sleeping 29 out of 30 days a month, but when I'm driving almost an hour one way to see her a few times a month, I'd just like alone time and it's never once happened. She doesn't have a car, so it's always me driving there, and me giving up time with my daughter, and it's discouraging. She doesn't put him to bed until after 10pm. and then wants me to wait over an hour while he falls asleep, and by then, it's late and I have to drive an hour home.
We also work opposite days and opposite shifts. I work a lot of mid shifts(9-6, 10-7) and every weekend and she works tuesday-friday 6-2. So I usually try and go on weekends when I get out of work, but it's 6:30/7 when I get there and when her son goes to bed around 11 and I work at 8am the following day, I can't stay until 2am and then drive home. She's constantly pushing me to stay but when I say no because I'm uncomfortable(I lost my cousin at 5 months old due to co-sleeping with his mom) and I just cant bring myself to do it, she gets upset and tells me I'm being unreasonable. I just want one night here and there.
Sounds like she needs to be willing to make a compromise somewhere. I'm sorry you've been put in a difficult situation to navigate.
@Rhiannon I don't disagree. I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask her to give up one night here and there. But she refuses to compromise. Her compromise is me sleeping on the outside of the bed with her son because I'm not next to him. 🙄 that's not a compromise to me. I feel like I'm putting in more effort than she is sometimes. I feel like she's showing me how she really feels about me even though she says otherwise. I honestly feel like she doesnt have room in her life for a relationship with me. It's always her and her son and nothing else. I've offered for her to live with me before all of this, but she's refused because it will no longer be just her and her son all of the time, because I'd want her to co-sleep less often, etc.
It certainly sounds like you are the one putting in most of the effort. I do understand putting kids first, but she has to truly compromise if she wants a relationship to work. I think you've been more than reasonable waiting a year for her to be comfortable enough to make an actual compromise on her own. I agree that her actions are showing her true feelings about the situation.
I don't blame you for not being comfortable co-sleeping with her son. My wife and I do co-sleep with our daughter. Most people who do so get creative with adult time. Like during the day when they are watching a movie, taking a nap, hiring a babysitter, etc. Or rolling away out of bed carefully and doing it elsewhere in the house.