Autism - need to vent / freaking out

A post has just been made, but my topic is slightly different. I basically need to ventilate, talk about it, ask for opinions, because I'm obsessed with the concern since the nursery team mentioned it, and I can't stop thinking about it. We have our 2 years appointment on the 25th and I guess these two weeks will pass really slowly 🫠 What happened is that beginning of October litte one moved to a different class with older children, so she changed key person. The key person and room leader almost immediately said she doesnt listen (no similar concern from the previous class staff), she does what she wants etc and that they were working on different strategies to make sure they could get her attention, like showing her pictures of what they would do next and stuff. Fast forward, I had the parents/teachers meeting a couple of days ago anf her key person said they are concerned about her behaviour. Strategies tried don't seem to work, she rebels a lot, and sometimes when she doesnt want to do something she locks herself in the bathroom or put her hands on her ears (she does the bathroom thing at home too, but just for fun. She laughs really hard when I try to open the door, it's actually funny😳. And she does put her hands on her ears sometimes, but looks at me laughing because she knows I get worried when she does). She said they did a pom pom activity and my daughter started to sort them by colour in a very specific way as if she were upset by the mess. I said that we do the pom pom activity at home so thats why she was sorting them. Also at home she is a bit of a mess, and is never bothered by it. I can change the colour of her plate, glass, whatever and she doesnt even notice, so I don't know what she meant when she said "she is very specific". Yes, I've noticed she likes to feel textures and look at things with attention, but isnt that what they are supposed to do at this stage, because they are learning? She said there are some things she has never seen in another child before, which is what is making me worry. What things? 😳 I go from "yeah she might be autistic" to the "naaaah" all the time and it's driving me crazy. What is driving me crazy is that there are no typical red flags: she smiles, replies to her name, shows empathy (once I screamed to our cat "ouch, you hurt me!", she rushed to me from another room, looked at me all worried, then hugged me and started to stroke my hair saying "awww hurt mummy"), she is advanced in language and is bilingual, knows 8 colours, is sociable (wants to high five random strangers on the train), is really happy, can take turns and share toys (not always always but hey she is still 2 years old), is attached to a lot of people, not just one parent. So I really don't know. On the other hand, it's true she gets absorbed into her books and sometimes ignores you, but I feel it's because she is deliberately choosing to; it's true that sometimes she doesnt listen to you, like she is following her own ideas; it's true that she wants things her own way (if she decides she does not want to wear that jacket, but wants the other one, she will cry) but I feel thats because I've always encouraged her to be independent and express her own identity. I don't know, what do you think? I cant wait until we have our 2 years check🫠🫠

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Hi ❤️ Late diagnosed ASD1 here. It always annoys me when places voice these things as “concerns”. Your daughter sounds extremely smart and confident in what she likes and does not like. Do a lot of these behaviors align with autism- yes- I had very similar behavior as your daughter and my daughter behaves very similarly too. There is a strong possibility that she could be on the spectrum but take a deep breath as it is a spectrum. I was hyper verbal when I was little vs non-verbal. Girls present a lot differently than boys- in my opinion, I don’t think your daughter is being challenged enough as far as what her capabilities are so she is not showing interest in the things that she does not see as new or useful- the covering ears is a common sensory issue. This place might not be a good fit for her- do you have any Montessori schools near you? She sounds like a bright and confident child- who might be on the spectrum.

Also, one more thing it’s always crazy to me when I hear daycare workers expecting toddlers even preschoolers to perform to their expectations. I worked for DCF- and I also worked with children in a private setting for years and every single child has different support needs and are unique. Your daughter sounds incredibly bright and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job as her mom! Look into a different kind of childcare environment if you can- I hate how they are making you feel.

@Wendy thank you for your comment, thats really helpful! I have considered she might be on the specturm (because it is a spectrum, so it might be a little thing) and I did considered it might be the environment. We love this nursery and the staff from the previous class was really sweet but I'm not a huge fan of her new key worker, yes. She is more strict, and my daughter is used to a Montessori approach, where I give her the space to choose and I'm always kind when I tell her "what to do". I'm wondering whether she might be rebelling agains the new environment (though she is always happy to go there and see her friends) 😔 Thank you 💗

My toddler is autistic just had his diagnosis and there’s many traits of his autism that haven’t been mentioned once here. She sounds like a typical toddler to me. My son is non verbal, doesn’t engage in play, doesn’t acknowledge other children ( it’s like they aren’t there) just to name a few things. So I wouldn’t worry about your daughter with what you’ve said

Sounds a lot like me and my son aha I have lately been thinking I'm undiagnosed ADHD and my son is displaying a lot of the same traits. I've spoken about it with a HV and she isn't concerned though. Honestly I just think some nurseries don't know how to actually handle curiosity and creativity in children.

Thank you @Sam and @Natalie.💕💕 The concern and doubt is somehow hitting me so much it makes me wanna cry every now and then🫠our families live abroad so that doesnt help Hugging you all xx

This all sounds like normal toddler behavior. I think your daughter is just going through a new transition and taking a little to adjust, which is also normal. My son also ignores me and anyone else when he feels like it lol. If he’s doing something that is more interesting, he will completely blow me off. The ear thing sounds like a sensory thing bc she’s feeling overwhelmed but neurotypical children can do this too, not just children on the spectrum. The rest really sounds normal to me. But it’s so hard not to worry..you don’t know the amount of times I’ve worried about the same thing.

@MJ_xo oh he does? It's so reassuring to know she is not the only one ignoring people when busy. She was doing the same earlier during bath time, only to then laugh to our face when my husband and I raised our voice slightly like "hey, did you hear us?", she was definitely doing it on purpose 🤷 And I don't get me wrong, I DO NOT think autism is a stigma and something to be ashamed of or whatever. Absolutely not. But we are all alone here, no help, everything sometimes is harder😅

She sounds very normal to me, although that's just comparing to my toddler. Also very bright, extremely independent. Does not like to be told what to do and wants to do things her way. I've got these traits too and I'm not autistic 😅 i also have quite a lot of sensory issues which my daughter has also shown signs of, but it's definitely not autism - my partner is autistic so I have been on the lookout for signs. To me it sounds like the nursery staff are just not liking her strong will. See how your 2yrs appointment goes and you'll probably have a clearer answer. It sounds like you're raising an amazing daughter though - protect her brightness and high spirit!

The neurodivergent spectrum is huge and in a way probably far more ‘normal’ than we think, due to historic stigma of different behaviour and lots of people hiding it, ignoring it, denying it. It isn’t always a problem. I actually think that many of our brightest minds are probably not neurotypical or they wouldn’t have the incredible ideas and unique perspectives. While I do think at the moment some people may be quick to label children, I also think that the growing awareness of neurodivergence means the opportunity to support children and parents sooner has grown, through proper assessment.

@Isla yes I did have the impression the staff from her current class is not liking her strong will, from the way they say things to me vs other parents etc. I actually manage to get her to do everything, you just need a bit of patience and talk talk talk, explain things. But the teacher saying she has never seen this behaviour got me worried, because I thought "oh so 2 years old aren't normally strong willed and rebellious?" Okay I will wait for the 25th. Hopefully the hv will confirm this🤷 Thank you both for your comments!!

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