How are we explaining the “no sleepover” rule to our younger kiddos? Help me!
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@Kaitie I’m struggling with trusting one grandparent and not the other, so I’m guessing it’s easier to just say no overall? My kids going to freak out and be confused why they were allowed and now I’m saying no, so I’m trying to figure out what to say to help them understand it on some level.
I don’t think you should have to say no overall. Having one grandparent that you can trust and rely on is good at least, unfortunately it’s not the case for both. Don’t let the MIL bully you into taking away the access that the kids do have with the other grandparent . Your husband should back you up 100% , and if MIL wants the same access she should be working on understanding what it is that you need in order to trust her with your kids for a sleepover,manipulation is not the way to go.
@Tiff If it were my kids they would be allowed with the one that respects boundaries, if the other will respect them as well then win win. It’s a tough position
@Nema So I told the girls they can’t sleepover at his moms and they immediately said “but you let us sleepover at Grammys?? (My mom)” and I didn’t know what to say…also keeping in mind they repeat things, so I don’t want them saying to his mom “it’s not safe to have sleepovers at your house” 😳
@Kaitie She never will, she has issues. She also has her son their with the random kids and he sells cocaine, often has a gun in his pants loaded, has random men with him stopping by her house to drink and smoke while the kids run around them…so that’s a no go for me lol. I just have to figure out how to get my husband on the same page because his mom tries to guilt him into it.
Ive been wondering this myself & 100% agree with you. I know it’ll be difficult to explain as they get older & want to go with their friends. I’m just going to tell them I have to keep them safe & maybe when they are older. My son is allowed to stay over at my MIL house and that is it. He doesn’t go to my moms or dads house. They didn’t keep me safe & we have different parenting. I don’t shove it in their face but they are aware of it all. They have both asked me and I just continue to tell them no. I wouldn’t cut your mom or kids short. That’s who you trust, you’re their parent, you call the shots ☺️
^ what Alexa said. Ultimately you are the parent and with all the information that you provided about the situation the MIL has going on how is your husband not on the same page??
Oh shoot, I hadn’t seen your recent comments when I responded. Yeah you wouldn’t want them to repeat anything hurtful or anything to cause issues with your husband’s side of the family. I think the best thing to do is have an open, honest, & respectful conversation with him and explain where you’re coming from & why. If he doesn’t really get it, you could try explaining how COMMON of an issue sleepovers are and that they are not worth it. We can only hope he understands & can be the one to shut his mom down going forward. Hope it all works out for you 🫶
No, is a full sentence. No explanation needed. Noone is entitled to have sleepovers or whatever parent's have decided to do or not do with their child.
@Nema They all pretend like their family is great and has no issues. His mom has controlled the narrative and groomed all of them, so I’m battling that 😅. If we have a more raw conversation I would hope he backs me up, but he is quick to dismiss me or get offended if I bring up concerns vaguely….his mom tries to come at it from “so the white family she trusts, but not the black family”…which is absolutely insane. I have plenty of family and friends and none of them I trust with my kids. I trust my mom, not from bias, but because she is genuinely safe. It’s not about anything at all but safety for me.
While it’s great to explain things to our kids, sometimes due to age or them not being able to handle information well like repeating, you don’t need to share adult decisions with them. You are the parent and it’s ok to tell the kids that it’s your job to choose what you think is best.
At the end of the day all that matters is keeping our kids safe! We gotta do, what we gotta do
@Alexa exactly
After reading Hunt Gather Parent I’ve learned that I don’t have to explain certain things to my kids. If the answer is no, and the kids are young, then it’s left at that. If they’re older I would only go as so far as to say something along the lines of it being a parenting decision. Eg “that’s what our family is choosing to do” it’s tough, lots of good feedback here tho. Kids safety is #1
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Thanks everyone!
I agree with the no sleepover things I think it’s weird when I just meet a mom and her kid asks my oldest for a sleepover and then mom looks at me for an answer.. like they’re only 4 and i just met u
@Chloe yeah like when did it become normal for young kids to have them at all? Even in the 90s I wasn’t having then that young….closer to 10/11 it started but 3 and 4…like what???
Honestly just stick to your guns. People don't need to know why. Your kids will most likely understand when they're older what you were protecting them from. I was molested, not at a sleepover, but I 100% support keeping kids safe. You just don't know. For your mother in law, try to get your husband to reinforce the boundary, because if you do it, you'll just be having more issues with her. Anytime we have issues with our parents, I deal with mine and my husband deals with his. Your mother in law may feel hurt about it, oh well, it's not about her. But honestly, by what you've said I wouldn't let my kids around someone like that unless they were within arms reach of me pretty much. It's tricky with in laws because you can't just cut them off unless your husband decides to, so you have to figure out how to work with everyone.
I just read your husband doesn't see the issues with his family and that's really tricky, but he's your husband first and a son second once you get married. So maybe try to avoid his family for a while and just try to gently point out various reasons but really you can't compromise on this. I feel for you.
@Rachel Yeah this is the hardest part for me. His mom is obsessed with him, very incestuous vibes, and she has been the master manipulator of the whole family and the narrative they all believe…it’s super delusional, but she’s great at it. He does have his own moments of clarity sometimes, but it’s like he stores it away when the next issue comes up. I just started seeing a therapist last week to help me bridge that gap with him because if he understood what was going on and why my thinking is where it is, we wouldn’t have any real issues with this topic. Fingers crossed
@Tiff good luck. Maybe you could get him in therapy, or try to distance your family from her (keep busy?) and see what the time and space does to your husband's perception. Probably would have to wait until after the holidays. The reason why I say this, I was 16 when I moved out because of my abusive dad and my mom separated from him shortly after and it took months before all of us got clarity on the toxicity we were used to from him. Seeing his bs over text instead of in person made us realize woah he's really off his rocker like the way he's upset about one thing and then all of a sudden he's bringing up all kinds of unrelated stuff and blaming you for it etc. All that to say, distance can bring clarity. Abusers are able to really enmesh with their victims and you get conditioned to think it's normal.
@Rachel Thank you for sharing that. This has been isolating for me, hence why I’m reaching out to strangers for advice because all of the healthy people in my life are like “how can he not see how they are? What’s his problem?” anytime I express my issue to them and they aren’t understanding how powerful abuse and grooming is in families…the only thing that has given him some perspective is moving out of his moms house and being with me and meeting other families and friends that are outside of his moms control.
@Tiff yeah, I totally get it. People don't understand unless they've experienced it before. Look into the different kinds of emotional abuse (also called psychological abuse) actually let me grab it and post it. Most people think abuse is only hitting or only sexual abuse or verbal and they completely miss how someone can control you through your mind and what you think, like it's a form of programming and it's all about control and manipulation, really disgusting.
@Rachel this is awesome
These infographics seem to be geared towards romantic relationships but it still applies
@Tiff if you want to chat more about this stuff just send me a message:)
It’s just a simple no for us. Only at grandparents or my sisters house, they only have one cousin and she is always welcome to stay at our house. My sister in law has never even offered to help watch my kids so if it’s ever asked for a sleepover there it’s an easy no.