Would you host her?

So, my MIL told us during her visit last month that she wasn't coming for a Christmas visit. She left gifts for the kids in my closet. Since then, I started working full time and hired a nanny. The nanny is amazing but is super shy. My MIL is notorious in our family for making comments about diet, exercise, weight, and the like (e.g. "You should do this exercise. I do it every day, and I have no fat on my body. It's all muscle!" 🙄) Well, fast forward to this week, and MIL tells her ex-husband that she's coming to stay with her kids. For an entire month. Including the week of Christmas. So, her ex tells her kids. Well, my husband's siblings talked her into moving her visit so that it wouldn't be the month of Christmas, and I was like OK then we can host her. But then I remembered that our nanny is overweight, and I started freaking out about what might happen while I'm working and my MIL is hanging out with the nanny. I don't want the nanny to get offended and quit (or just be offended in general because she's so sweet). She charges less than other nannies in the area, and it's not easy to get a nanny around here. The daycares are awful around here too. Now, to complicate things, my MIL has a diagnosis of dementia, although she's not very far along into it. My husband thinks the answer is to lecture his mother about being nice to the nanny. He just finished doing that. When I pointed out that she might forget, he wanted to host her but insist that she stay in her room while the nanny is here...for like 6 hours...😬 He is really super mad at me. I tried to say she could stay longer in the summer when the nanny isn't here (since he watches the kids in the summer since he works in a school), but he said she wants to come for Christmas so she should be able to come for Christmas. What would you do?

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I didnt mean to press that button. No body benefits from hosting ber and your husbands f*cked up

This just sounds like a horrible can of worms. I'm anxious for you honestly.

@Leslie idk how ppl keep toxic nasties in their life

I like the idea of hosting her in the summer, but.... this might be the last Christmas she remembers. I don't know if I could live with the guilt. Let your nanny know it's an issue and give her hazard pay. Call it a Christmas bonus. Try to think of extra nice ways to celebrate the holidays and spend the next few years saying "remember when we made those snowflake ornaments together...?" Take lots of pictures... I never like to say it, but your husband is right. Don't make a decision you are going to regret in the near future and long after... ❄️

Just get her a hotel or Airbnb or let the other siblings take turns hosting her

I would just warn your nanny and ask her to let you know if she says anything and explain she is in the early stages of dementia. Is she like this with everybody or just people she’s familiar with?

Just explain to the nanny she's staying over and has dementia so she may say things she doesnt mean without thinking about it and not to take offence to anything, maybe just up the pay alittle for the inconvenience(if able to afford it) with any luck your MIL will like the nanny and not say anything too out of order

Yeah I would explain to the nanny that she’s coming, has dementia and has sometimes made mean comments to you in the past. But assure your nanny you really appreciate her and don’t want her to get hurt by anything your MIL says but at the same time can’t refuse your MIL a visit. I’m sure the nanny will understand if you’ve explained upfront, and ask her to let you know if MIL says anything inappropriate to her. My grandma love her went through a phase of calling me fat and she herself was enormous. People get savage when they get old!!

As others said, host her but at the same time lecture her and also speak to the nanny and explain that she’s just rude and she’s like that with you too etc. also, have a chat with her everyday and ask if the MIL said anything to her on that day. If you then see that it’s too much for the nanny maybe ask the other siblings to host her. It might be the last Christmas she remembers with the kids and they could at least make a great memory together

Thanks for all your comments! I think maybe I wasn't clear in that she just had the dementia diagnosis very recently. It's not seeming at all like this will be her last Christmas. She's still very much with it mentally. And, she has always had a history of being, quite frankly, sizeist. It's not actually a factor of the dementia. She's very thin herself because she has a really fast metabolism, and she thinks anyone who's overweight is doing something wrong. She thinks her daughter, who has an eating disorder and is not even slightly overweight, is too big. She'll comment on things like saying that "her arms are too big" and will say things to her like, "Are you really going to eat all that?" I don't want my four year old daughter to see that behavior without me there to set her straight. And even if the nanny understands after an up front conversation I don't yet know her well enough to be sure she would tell me. I don't think I emphasized enough how shy she is. She barely says anything at all most days.

So he wants to host his mum? But only if she stays in her room every day?

I personally wouldn't want her staying if she is rude like that but if she had to come I would prepare Nanny. Have a talk and apologize upfront, "My MIL has dementia and can be quite rude in regards to peoples bodies, eating habits, ect. If she says anything rude, please don't take it heart and ignore her behavior. Please let us know if she says anything rude or makes you uncomfortable and we will address her behavior directly. We want your work environment to be comfortable." Its not ideal but letting her know that she can come to you guys about it and are aware, may help.

Is it possible to just tell the nanny the truth about how she is and her diagnosis? Worst case? That way nanny is not blindsided by comments?

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