What would you do?
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I mean, you should really cut her some slack as Dementia makes you say things without thinking. It should make you want to see her more, not less.
@Rachel She has been this way for the entire decade I've known her. She was just diagnosed with very early stage dementia. Her daughter has an eating disorder in part because her mother has been body shaming her for her entire life. I will cut her slack for forgetting things, but I will not cut her slack for being a long-term body shamer. And, let's say I cut her all the slack. How am I then supposed to make sure my daughter doesn't end up influenced by her nonsense? She's four. She doesn't understand dementia, but she certainly understands grandma telling her that being fat is super bad.
It's not really nonsense when you've got Dementia. Dementia makes you say things without thinking as well as forgetting things. You just have to explain it as best you can to your little girl when it starts to get worse.
@Rachel Are you under the impression that she's had dementia for the whole time I've known her? And for all the years when she was raising her daughter?
I think that’s her generation speaking. My grandma is the same way. She asked me if I was wearing two pairs of pants one time or if my legs were like that now. She has made comments about my weight my entire life. It is incredibly rude but, I think when they say it, it may come from a good place. For the nanny, who cares if she’s shy. My nanny is super outgoing but I’d never plan my life around her personality. Your nanny will be fine. I think you need to talk to your MIL and nanny- separately. Your MIL could be of help to the nanny while’s she’s in town. Nanny can take the toddler out while MIL has your infant.
You also don’t know how fast her dementia will set in. My sister’s grandma was diagnosed and within a year she forgot who everyone was and has to be taken care of like a toddler. Your husband may regret not having her around while she remembers who you all are. A honest conversation could be beneficial here.
No, but she might have had it for longer than you know & it could have just gone undiagnosed. You just never know.
My mother in law was diagnosed with early onset dementia summer 2023 and before her diagnosis, made my first maternity leave a nightmare and miserable with constant digs and awful comments about the most ridiculous things. As it's progressed she barely holds a conversation nowadays and just quietly observes. I'd definitely host her now before it progresses and just grin and bare her behaviour as it's quite sad to see how much it changes a person. I'm not saying her behaviour is right and it does sound generational as my grandad used to make those comments about weight etc and there definitely wasn't anything wrong with him. Just explain to the nanny what she's like and give an example of some of the worse things she will say and then everyone is prepared
I would host her and apologize to the nanny in advance if the MIL says anything rude to her about her appearance. Older people are set in their ways and won’t budge for their behaviour as they think it’s acceptable. Also keep reminding the MIL to be nice to the nanny and not talk to her about her appearance and to keep her rude comments to herself
My dad was diagnosed with dementia this year. I would absolutely host her for your husbands sake. He’s mourning his mom and will continue to mourn her long before her death. It’s simple to explain things to children. They don’t require much explanation. “Grandma is sick and part of that sickness means she might say mean and untrue things. It’s part of her sickness”. It requires no other explanation
I would listen to my husband since it's his mum. I think it will be hard for him and if she deteriorates further, you might regret it.
I work with Dementia/Alzheimer’s patients (both memory care and assisted living). I’m currently pregnant with baby #2. One of the resident/patient thought I was fat until I said I was pregnant. Some have no filters, whatsoever but I don’t take it personal. Some may have it for years and it wasn’t diagnosed yet. They can be living at a nursing home for years too or just moved in within whatever how many months and their health condition can decline way faster than others. This past week, just about 3 residents/patients have passed away.
I agree with the comments about letting your husband decide. If my mom had dementia I'd want to spend as much time as possible with her.
I think you should stop stressing. Like others said before, could you not just pre warn the nanny that the MIL has issues and not to take it personally. Or yes just don’t host her if it’s bothering you so much, sounds like a headache anyway.