Money vs time: A rock and a hard place

This turned into a long and rambling panicked vent. Thanks in advance for reading. Context: We’ve just had our second baby - he’s 12 days old. Our eldest is 2 and a half. My partner is a self employed electrician and has been running his business for about 18 months. I don’t think he knows what he’s doing and/or is very good at it. Since he started, money has been erratic, insubstantial and a source of massive stress and conflict. I earn a salary of $200K and have supported him any time he’s needed it - on a loan basis. He currently owes me $5K and I don’t think I’m ever going to get it back. It was from a savings account I’d been working on to keep us afloat during my maternity leave because I don’t get any benefit from my workplace and I knew he wouldn’t be able to reliably sustain us, so I’m really frustrated that he’s eaten into it so much. He uses my credit card to buy lunch and petrol and gear for work, but rarely has money to pay it off. We had a long conversation over a period of weeks about him needing to find a full time job and park the business for a while, so we could offer our kids some stability, but he decided unilaterally to carry on. Additionally, we’re being moved on by our landlord in February because they want to give the house to their son, so we have to cough up for moving costs and orchestrate a house move with a 2.5 yr old and a 4 month old. The latest: A work opportunity has come up for my partner that will pay him $5-6K a week but will require him to be away for up to 2 weeks at a time, leaving me freshly postpartum and suddenly responsible for two little kids, a dog, and a house move, with no income of my own. I don’t feel like I have a choice but to let him go - there’s no money coming from anywhere else. But I feel SO resentful that I’m stuck in this position, lumped with 100% of the home and parenting responsibility after just giving birth to a new baby. If I had known this was the life I was signing up for, I don’t know that I would’ve chosen to create it with him - no matter how much I love him. I’m frightened for both the short and long term futures of me and my kids. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I just have to lie down and let him do whatever he wants because if I stop him from going, I lose the right to demand hard work and financial contribution from him. I find it almost impossible to picture the future for us because I see no way out of this situation. How am I meant to do all this work AND sustain my own career once I go back after mat leave??? This is not what I thought I was signing up for. It’s fucked.

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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Can anyone help you while he is away for 2 weeks? With the extra income, can you hire someone if family isn't an option?

Wow! I feel you and I'm sorry. This must be very heavy to carry but...I think you got this Momma. First of all it is very hard to realize you have been on your own since I don't know when and you know what??? You did it incredible and you know what else, you will do it even greater. Don't be afraid to see how strong you could be. Also...I think all of these heavy feelings are a result of your postpartum, so be gentle on you and be gentle with your family. My advice would be to start building your trust circle, a group of people you can ask for help, preferably women. Girlfriends or family, but you need help and most important you need to ask for it and stop having expectation on how your husband should behave, probably he would never fit on the "perfect" partner or Dad he suposed to be. And I'm sure you are a great and smart woman who can manage this or any other hard situation. I send you love.

@Kailey I had a similar thought. Someone who might be able to give me a hand in the evenings to make sure everyone’s fed and bathed and off to bed at a reasonable time. It feels really sad, the idea I might spend more time parenting with hired help than with my kids’ dad, but if it’ll get us through this next little while, it might be worth considering. Thanks for sharing your idea x

@Jessica Wow this is such a kind and thoughtful message, you got me right in my feelings. I would love to have someone in my life say these things to me - you must be an absolutely wonderful friend. I think you’re probably right on all counts, and I’ll take all of that on board. Thank you very much xx

Your future is bright! The truth is you don't have to do all of the work you are doing now, & you'll get better at knowing the difference with time. I think you'll adjust nicely to the time your husband is away... It'll free you from the expectation of keeping the house looking ready for other adults. Before he goes, I think you should talk about having a sitter come for a quick visit (1-2 hours every few days) so you at least get a guaranteed shower, and/or some dedicated time to pack up the house. Having him gone will make it easier to pack because he'll already have the things he needs with him, everything else can go in a box. Just get a lot of boxes and don't worry about sorting or organizing, just pack up anything you don't touch day to day. If you have family near, see if they will watch your dog for a week or two at a time. When you go back to work, you will have childcare and money to help solve the problems that arise. It won't be this hard forever. Just getting through the first year is enough. ❤️

As an independent woman, it’s sometimes difficult to put your faith and trust completely into a partner. Is the road your on a difficult one yes. However it is doable. As someone who is in a similar situation, I would say that you two need to work as a team and not two individuals. It’s a difficult transition but having faith that he is going to provide is something that it sounds like he is trying to do. It’s hard to be in traditional rolls in todays day and age but it is possible. I think you guys sitting and talking about it how you really feel and putting it all out there might help relieve some tension. Best of luck.

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