Relationship on the rocks

How old is baby?

@Natalie 15 mo

Usually the first year is the hardest. Do you get any time just the 2 of you?

@Natalie yeah we feel that. We’ve had a really hard set of circumstances too. Unfortunately things aren’t really getting better though so the impact on our relationship is still significant. We don’t get any time just the two of us no.

That's probably not helping cos it means your time is spent just as parents not as a couple. Could you try having some time after baby is in bed? Maybe a film, food, conversation?

@Natalie I know. That’s a big part of the problem. Baby wakes hourly so there’s no opportunity.

How many naps does baby have?

@Natalie one

I know you said baby wakes hourly currently but maybe you can squeeze in an hour of “date time” just the two of you doing something together and pausing when baby wakes and going back to it when they’re down. Is there anyone that can babysit for you guys even if it’s just a couple hours so you can have a date?

@Katie we’ve tried that but it didn’t work as we’re both just anxious counting down the clock to the first wake and then it’s frustrating trying to do anything in the hour slots. It took us like a week to watch a movie and we both just found it really frustrating and unenjoyable. Unfortunately there’s no one who can baby sit on an evening and we both work during the day.

@Katie just to add that doesn’t always work practically either. Sometimes it takes me so long to settle baby back down, like over an hour, that by the time I’m back down my partner is too tired and disengaged. And sometimes baby is so restless I only get downstairs before I’m straight back down again.

What is the routine/schedule? Getting that right would drastically improve the amount of down time you get/have baby waking less often. I have a friend who's son did the same. She tweaked the timings and he basically sleeps through now.

@Natalie I don't think it's a routine issue as we've already tweaked with no impact and he is having medical investigations done into his sleep. His medical team believe there's a medical cause to it.

Aw I’m sorry to hear that! It takes time adjusting to your baby and making time for you guys. We’ve just managed staying up late to spend time together but it takes us 2-3 days to watch a movie and occasionally we drive the hour for my parents to babysit. Hopefully once you figure out your baby’s sleep, you guys can date again once they go down

That's a shame. If you change your mind and want any suggestions re timings just let me know the routine and I can suggest.

@Katie it's really tough. I'm too exhausted to stay up late. I'm up every hour with the baby and breastfeeding. I have to prioritise what sleep for myself where possible. That was our original plan, just wait out the sleep problems, but it's unsustainable. It could take years to resolve and our relationship won't last that long if we carry on the way we are. The sleep isn't the only issue though. There are lots of issues which is why I'm not sure how to start approaching it all.

@Natalie with this post I'm looking for advice on how to start tackling all of our relationship issues rather than baby's sleep problems.

I think that tackling the sleep issues would help improve the relationship issues cos you'd both be more well rested and have more time for each other/to work on the relationship

@Natalie I do agree and it is a big part of it. But until all of his medical investigations are finished we won't have an answer on how to tackle his sleep, and we can't just wait for those answers whilst our relationship continues to fall apart.

Yeah I get that. If it was me I'd be trying different things whilst waiting for the outcome in case there isn't anything for them to find. You say there are other issues going on. Are you happy to share what they are to see if there are any specific things we could provide suggestions for?

@Natalie we've done all of that and nothing has made a difference. That's partly why they think there's a medical cause. There's so much I'm not sure where to start. That's the thing I'm struggling with, where do we start. Like do we write a list, see a counsellor etc. But as I say, neither of those seem to be good options right now. A few other problems for example are the uneven load/responsibilities, lack of thought/consideration for each other, resentment, lack of support for each other, lack of intimacy (although that one is definitely linked to sleep), health problems that I have that are having an impact, feeling like we're not on the same team anymore/never seeing eye to eye anymore, communication, frustration with each other for various things, stressful jobs taking their toll on us both.

Does he ever help out at all when he’s home? My husband comes home (he works a ton of hours) and always offers to take over so I can take a bath/shower/get a small break and even that helps tremendously. Maybe ask if he can help with dishes or trash or any other task that doesn’t take long but would help lessen your load. If communication is also a problem, you could take walks with the baby just to talk things out (I know it’s not always easy to have good conversations while you have a kid) and if you both have stressful jobs, try finding different ways to destress so you don’t take it out on each other

@Katie he does. We argue over it still though as I don't feel he does enough but he feels he does. He never offers to take over, he never uses any initiative. With communication it's more around styles of communication. There isn't really any opportunity to de-stress between the hours we work and the care our baby needs.

If you’re both working, I understand you’re both pretty worn out especially with a kiddo who isn’t sleeping yet. Do you both get up with the baby or is it just you? Because that’s a big job in itself to do alone. Maybe just try asking him to take the baby so you can take a quick bath or shower and just get some time to relax and recharge. Men don’t always think the same way we do so they just need told straight up

He may not want to write a list but maybe you write yours so you can possibly prioritise what is the biggest problem to tackle first. It sounds like stress and lack of down time are having a big impact. Is little one at nursery or anything? Could you take some time off together to have conversations/start working out a plan.

@Katie yep exhausted. It’s only me that gets up with the baby. He’s breastfed and has a strong parental preference for me. It’s taking a huge toll on me. I time my showers just after I’ve got baby down as that’s usually the biggest gap I have before he first wakes. I’d love a bath but there isn’t time for one before his first wake. I am straight up with him, too straight up with him sometimes in fact, to the point he feels like I’m being demanding/giving orders.

@Natalie that’s a good idea. They are definitely having a huge impact. He is in nursery a couple of days a week but I have no leave left to take at work and my partner is self employed so can’t afford to take time off.

That's a shame. Could you not manage an hour or 2 early finish maybe? Just to have a tiny bit of downtime. When does your leave reset?

@Natalie unfortunately not. I don’t have any flexibility in my job and it’s his busiest time of the year. My leave will reset in January but he never takes leave.

I’m sorry you’re going through this! Your best bet is to talk with him and really try to find even just a little bit of time to date again and act like a couple somehow