ADHD husband advice please

Well I think the issue here is that he isn’t trying and he is not concerned about your happiness at all. His adhd is not an excuse for that.

@Marina I definitely see that, but is it adhd to be so fixated on their needs and dopamine fix that they take no joy in making others happy? Or even thinking about another? I know it's difficult to plan things or even remember things

This is not adhd

Yeah… no. If anything every adhd person i’ve met worry more about looking after others than themselves bc they find more dopamine in that

Everyone I know with ADHD has a job and is capable of looking after themselves. It sounds like he needs some tough love and a kick up the bum!

@Kathryn how could I do this? Like, he shuts down to any complaints.

Oh my goodness. I could have written this 😭 thank you for validating everything I've been struggling with too. My husband was also diagnosed last year and started taking medication for it about 5 months ago. It does wear off in the evening. I didnt realise how much my nagging had affected him until he was diagnosed and started talking therapy. He opened up and told me that his entire life he's been told by teachers, parents, me, employers, etc that he's doing stuff wrong. And it's really affected him. Our marriage completely changed as a result of his diagnosis. he has stopped trying to conform to society's expectations and is trying to embrace his adhd superpowers more (spontaneity, creativity, dynamic leadership skills etc). When it comes to sharing the load regarding family and at home etc, my advice is to find whatever it is he can manage. Adapt your expectations. I'm really lucky my husband is a brilliant cook and will put his hand to anything when it comes to DIY etc. (Continued)

I've stopped nagging him about having to tidy up after him several times a day or about losing his keys, not locking the door, being generally chaotic, because he genuinely cant help it. and instead I try to prompt him in a helpful way with the things that actually matter. If you want your relationship to succeed you have to manage your expectations because he probably already feels like shit. It's tough... and really not talked about enough. But try to find the things he's good at and put things in place to help him (managable lists etc). My husband definitely let it become his whole personality for a good while after his diagnosis whilst he got his head around it himself, but he's coming through it now and trying to figure things out. X

My husband has adhd and it’s tough some days… if his hyper focus is cleaning the house it’s a win, but that’s rare! My husband is much better if he does daily exercise- so much that I can tell the days he went to the gym before work or not. Eating well makes a massive difference- so less sugar and processed crap. Also listening to positive podcasts has a good effect on his mood too. Sending you lots of love and strength because it can be really hard

@Suzie thank you Suzie, I definitely lowered my expectations, but the issue is as much as I tried to find something he was good at... compliment it... and such. In the end. He does very little and it still doesn't stop the fact I am drowning... he absolutely hates any form of list or following instructions of any kind... so he doesnt cook, do DiY, nothing. He doesnt do any washing because he doesnt know how to use the machine, no cleaning, like there is very little weight off my shoulders even when i dont nag at all. you spoke a lot about how you helped your partner and how bad you felt about your nagging, and I'm glad he cooks and does DIY, but my expectations and bar is so low... it's not even high at this point and I can't keep burning out because it's also not manageable for me. I'm not even talking about a pristine clean house, I'm talking about taking the bin out once a week and security of our family. He isn't cleaning, won't clean, won't do anything but seek his fill of dopamine.

He is a smart man, but yeah, what I'm doing is bare minimum just because there isn't time in the day. I do the full night shift with out toddler, work, cook, tidy up etc. When I think I'm ready for bed after doing everything, I then get back out of bed to check the house is secure, the car isn't on, the things are returned off that need to be. Whilst, after work, he just watching videos on his phone or plays video games. I have tried to suggest exercise too, but he can't get himself to do it. He does eat much better, because we have like zero snacks etc in the home, but at work he will wolf down packs of sweets and cakes. He won't listen to a podcast, ebook, or anything like that. I go to the library each week with our toddler and always try to bring a book back for him.... I'm giving so much and doing everything I can, but I feel so unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten 😔

Problem is, I also am a person with hobbies. I love art, crotchet, reading, creating, designing, sewing etc. But, for me to do the bare minimum for us to just have an average life (as much as I'd love our house to be cleaner and more organised) I had to push that aside. The only time I could do a hobby is after baby is asleep for the night and give up my own sleep ans interaction with him. The day I did this, he decided to play videogames and became hyperfocused that he played it until 5am on a work night. So, if I try to have a hobby, I have to time watch which makes it difficult for me to finish my project as I'm always checking the clock, so that I can try to pry him away from his game. But, then this becomes nagging, because after the third time of trying to nicely ask him to go to bed I give up and its my fault again as he ends up playing until 2am.

I'm sorry that sounds really tough. It does sound like he's using his ADHD as an excuse for his entire personality in this case and has no motivation to explore self improvement. If you love him and want it work it's worth sticking around to see what happens once he gets medication (if that's what he decides). You will likely notice some big changes. My husband became hyper focused on house plants (unexpected) and lost a lot of weight (though he was never overweight to begin with) as he was no longer snacking out of boredom. He is generally more independent and can organise himself a bit better now. He does seem a bit flat sometimes but always says he's fine. The nagging is tough especially when your bar is so low. It's not all down to adhd but it sounds like you already know this x

Sorry this is not ADHD, this is pure laziness and using it as an excuse! I have ADHD and still manage to run my household, I get there are different types but to leave you feeling like this and managing everything is not ok. Sorry you’re having to manage this. He needs to be finding his own coping mechanisms and methods for helping you. I think you need to have a sit down chat and explain how you’re feeling and he needs to show he’s going to try and alleviate some of your load, not saying 50/50 but even 10/90 at this point sounds like it would offer you some relief

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I also have ADHD so I know how frustrating it can be for both, you and your husband. There are things you can do to help him but at the end of the day it's up to him to want to do it. For example for cupboard we got the magnetic child locks so I don't have to remember to lock them, they automatically lock when you close the door/drawer. And to open it you need a magnet that we always return to the same place right after use (it never touches any other surface so that way I won't lose it). If you want to talk just send me a DM and I can give you more tips that work for us/me.

Thank you, we spoke a lot about that and that method would had frustrated him. He wouldn't do the step to get the key and he wouldn't put it back. So we decided on this soft twist lock and he liked it... but yes, unfortunately forgot to twist it back. The magnet does sound good, and thank you for the suggestions, I really appreciate it. 🙏 I acknowledge how stressed I am, and I am ranting, I don't want to take away that he is a nice person and a loving father, I just got overwhelmed with my expectations and keep burning out. I feel like such a failure because of my irritation and thoughts of him not loving me. I just want a big cuddle... I want love... lol I'm crying typing that

My partner is recently diagnosed with ADHD, he not only can hold down a job but he’s a head chef, runs a team, does more than his fair share with parenting. Some people find it a lot easier to use and make excuses rather than trying their hardest to make things work. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this x

I'm sorry but he is 100% using his adhd as an excuse for being pure lazy! My OH also has adhd, so I can very much relate to the forgetfulness, shitty timekeeping and general scattyness! It's very frustrating on a fault basis! But he sounds utterly exhausting though, my partner is definitely not as difficult at this

Daily not fault!

I just read an article on the burn out for the non ADHD partner, I hope when he has the tablets (if he choses to take them) it helps him a lot. He is very impulsive and gets hyper focused often (on his games) and I kind of hope he finds satisfaction and his dopamine like we did at the start of our relationship. Do your partners show love? Or what is something that makes you feel so happy with them? Do you feel loved? If you don't mind my asking. He seems completely oblivious to what I do for us, and like I say is only focused on our absence of bedroom activities. But, as I type, he is there in the office playing videogames. We have done nothing together today, he came in and went straight to his computer and grumbled when I called him for dinner, and then after dinner went straight back to the computer. I didn't know he left our toddler alone whilst I was cleaning and found she had his work bag and was decorating the floor with the contents.

I tried talking with him, but he isn't listening... he is hearing, but he doesn't know what I say. He did follow me to the kitchen to make tea, but suddenly he turned around halfway through me talking and disappeared without a word... back to him game. He thought of something to do with it, and boom all is gone it must be immediately done. I feel so freaking alone. Talking about it is only nagging. It's not even the game, any hobby would probably have the same effect... just I feel games are a little more difficult as some don't have an end point and there is always more to do