Is this depression? Or do YOU think it is?

I know no one’s licensed so I’m not expecting a diagnosis but just to vent and get some input for anyone willing to listen. I have been diagnosed with depression a few times in the past and taken prescription but I guess I’m confused now because it’s not like anything I’ve experienced in the past. I often find myself checked out and it feels like I’m just existing. I know what I need to do or should be doing and I’ll do it (as far as being a mother and taking care of the house) but I just feel like it’s this endless cycle. I don’t leave the house, and I know I should, but I get so overwhelmed between my son and my household duties that if I spend too much time with my son nothing around the house gets done (he’s like attached to me at the hip.) then if I’m doing things around the house he’s unhappy and I feel like a horrible mom. My breaking point today was washing the dishes and I had told my partner MULTIPLE times not to leave his water bottles full because he tightens them so tight I can never open them when I’m trying to do the dishes. Again, tried opening the damn thing and it wouldn’t open and I can be ocd so leaving one thing as such in the sink when I could be cleaning it bothers me. He’s not cleaning it, I am. So if I ask something PLS just do it to make my life easier. Again not a big deal was just a breaking point. When my partner comes home I don’t want to be touched or really talked to. I’m zoned out. We have a good relationship, I’m just not presently here it feels like. I always feel mindless and thoughtless. Like a zombie. Sometimes I feel on top of the world like everything is going right but for the most part it feels like everything is falling apart. I’m exhausted ALL. The. Time. Emotionally and mentally drained. I feel burnt out honestly. Part of me doesn’t know what I need and the other part of me kind of knows but it feels more internal than external. I’m the default parent, and hate having to ask someone to change a diaper, or give a bottle. If I don’t do the laundry it doesn’t get done. I can’t even remember the last time my partners lifted a finger. He will pick up after dinner and that’s nice. But as far as making a bed, putting things back, laundry, deep cleaning, bathrooms, bedrooms anything and everything is me. And I know I signed up for that, but it just feels like incompetence sometimes. I’m trying to figure out who the heck I am, and what I want that to look like, all while never having the energy.

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Taking care of kids and doing all household duties it is an endless circle and living everyday like that will drive anyone crazy I think (esp if your partner doesn’t help). Try to get out the house and do something for yourself, something you like, usually helps me. Even once a week, for a few hours, already feels like a breath of fresh air ❤️

Have you heard of depleted mother syndrome? It could be that… another thing it sounds like is you are dissociating, that’s when you check out mentally. Have you ever looked into autism? Not saying you do just 80% of autistic females are undiagnosed. The reason I ask is because autistic burnout looks like depression and some people treat it like that and it never gets better because autistic burnout is treated very differently from depression. And a lot of autistics struggle with ocd and being touched out and dissociating. Again not saying you are autistic but it’s worth ruling out just in case. I would also like to add it sounds like your partner is using weaponized incompetence. You should not be doing it all on your own you deserve a partner not a king baby. He needs to step up so that you have less demands on you cuz that would help depleted mother syndrome as well as autistic burnout- so win win. You need support! 💝🫂

If not depression I'd say burnout for sure, which having experienced burnout myself, can be very very challenging to get on top of. And I say this after overcoming burnout before I had a baby, so it will be much harder post baby. You 100% need something to fill your happiness cup. And your partner needs to step up or get out the way. The fact that you speak about trying to figure out the future sounds positive, as depression (in my understanding) is often associated with feeling helpless and like the future is bleak. Look after yourself x

Depression and burn out overlap. It's definitely burn out. Hard to tell if it's also depression. NO you did NOT sign up for this!! Your partner lives in the house, he doesn't get to "not lift a finger". You need to sit down with him, talk about how you're totally burnt out and its not sustainable, and he needs to start doing stuff. He should take over something specific eg he does the dishes every day, or he does all the laundry. AND you need time to yourself. If you currently get NONE, you need to fight for it. You need to shower alone when he's home and leave him with bub. You need to take at least an hour every week (bare minimum) and do something alone, that's genuinely enjoyable and relaxing.

Definitely sounds like either depression or burn out or even both. I recommend talking to a doctor and explaining it exactly like you did here and seeing what they think and what can help you.

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