I need some advice!!

I agree with your fiance. She's guilt tripping your child into giving her attention. Children aren't there to please adults - they are their own people with their own needs/wants. If your child doesn't want to go to your mum at that moment in time, that should be respected all round. I'd just be open and honest with her. Say you don't agree with it and say that you don't want your toddler to feel guilted into going to someone, that they will go to her if/when they want to x

My mum does the same thing sometimes, but like you, I feel like my mum is only messing around. Your husband sounds like he's on the same page as my husband though.

@Rachel I'm sorry, but "messing around" shouldn't stretch to making your child feel guilty for not wanting to give an adult attention. A child will only see oh I've made this person sad, I don't want you to be sad and the child then will be upset. As I said to OP, children aren't on this earth to please adults. If it was an adult doing it to another adult, it'd be considered gas lighting and emotional abuse to guilt them into doing something they didn't want to do. Why is it ok to do it to a toddler?

@Becky she does it for like a second & my little boy doesn't usually fall for it anyway & carries on doing his own thing. My mum will then say that's ok, carry on doing what you were doing, we can have a cuddle later. My little boy will then usually go to her in his own time. So yes, she is usually messing around. If she carried on doing it, then I would say something.

OK so I appreciate everyone's feedback and I 100 percent agree it's not a healthy way to get a toddler to listen. I know what being guilt tripped feels like and it's not OK. My mom made me feel this way growing up but we have been working on our relationship lately. She has her own childhood wounds that make her do this without realizing it. She is a good mom at heart and loves me and my daughter to pieces but I want to break unhealthy cycles. On the flip...there is a certain way to deal with my mom to get my point across without her taking offense so I want to take that approach. I was thinking next time I catch her doing it to say this: "We are actually teaching her about emotions right now and want to avoid fake crying as that could confuse her." This way it focuses more on positive things we are teaching our child and less on my mom's behavior. I think she can't argue with this logic either lol.

@Rachel I stand by what I said guilt tripping and trying to manipulate a child into doing what you want them to do, isn't a game, messing about or however else you want to dress it up. Whether someone does it for a minute or an hour, it's still not healthy nor ok. "Can I have a hug?" "No" "ok we will have one later" is fine. Pretending a toddler is making you cry for making a decision isn't fine. x

I love your response ❤️

OP, that's the perfect response! X

I agree that it’s a bad thing to do and guilt tripping a small child, but also I wouldn’t want my toddler to model that behaviour and crying every time she wants my attention. I get enough temper tantrums thanks 😂 I think your response is good, because you’re not putting any pressure or blame on your mum. We also use the line “we are teaching her about consent and autonomy, so please respect her right to say no to hugs/kisses/attention” and family so far have been respectful of that.

My parents do that a lot !!! Or they say “ ohh I’m leaving bc nobody loves me anymore (while fake crying )” so what I decided to do was talk directly to my toddler and explain to her she’s not responsible for peoples emotions specially an adult. I would tell her (in Spanish ) “ you can tell grandpa I love you I just don’t want a hug right now, or a kiss, it’s okay to feel sad”. And I would turn around and tell them “ please let’s not make her feel responsible for our “big feelings” we are just trying to protect her, and teach her body autonomy. “ They were hurt and annoyed and even said I was exaggerating 😒 since that didn’t seem to work all the time I send them articles and videos of professionals explaining why that’s so wrong and dangerous. So you can do since your mom might be a little more sensitive. Sit down with her and explain how doing that can just lead to your baby feel responsible and please adults or other people in general !

I agree momma explain it gently To your mom that it will confuse. Now after that if she continues then put your for down. You have a great idea.

Instead, next time she does it - either you or your fiancé intervene and hug her, and show concern for the “crying” - and sit her down, asking authentically if she’s alright. No need to involve your child. No need to identify the crying as fake. Just show genuine concern that she appears to be upset. Hopefully she’ll feel uncomfortable and stop the ridiculous behaviour. I’d say meanwhile the other parent can distract your toddler with something productive and enjoyable - your toddler doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of nonsense like that.