I don’t want to be alive

It’s been 4 months since postpartum and I have been hanging out with friends, exercising, going on trips, journaling, praying, etc. (all the things I love) but I just feel so empty. Like I’m filling up a container that has the other side of it open. And the rest of my energy I put it into my son and trying to keep the house in order. I’m thinking why isn’t this gone yet?? How long does it take to go over this bridge? Any minor inconvenience I feel like I’m at my wit ends. My husband is tired from work and he feels overwhelmed having to carry all of this load. I’ve told him about it recently, but he thinks it’s because of him. And I’ve never been completely awful with handling my emotions but I feel so unseen and unheard and completely useless. We got into another fight last night and he told me he can’t handle me and I’m too much and I should go home for some time… and I really just didn’t want to exist anymore. I know I could turn everything around but I just feel so alone, broken, and lost. I don’t handle it very well and started throwing stuff in the kitchen. Which is completely shameful. Just adds to the reason why I feel incompetent. I don’t want my son to have me as a mom. I don’t want to off myself, but I just don’t want to exist.