Anxiety / Depression

Looking for some advice? Support? Experiences? … to be honest I’m not really sure. I am 8 weeks postpartum. My baby is a gem. So chill and relaxed and really not fussy about anything (I’m beyond grateful for these things). My partner has a history of anxiety and depression and about 2 weeks ago was put off work again for this. He was off work for 4 months last year for similar reasons so this isn’t his or my first rodeo in dealing with this together. Currently, he has been home for the last 2 weeks. He has been prescribed medication and given ample resources from the doctor for help. He tells me that he has reached out for help. I also have a history of anxiety. Since having baby my anxiety has been up and down. Lots of tears, feeling overwhelmed — the whole bit. I am well supported by family, friends, midwives, therapist etc, so I am not concerned about myself right now. Postpartum is a ride but I’m getting through it. In saying all that, I am really struggling with how to support my partner right now because my world is revolving around my 8 week old, our dogs and our home and making sure that all of these things are at least a little together. His anxiety is out of control. He will go some days where he is throwing up, shaking and immobile. He stays in bed all day. Other days he seems ok. He has expressed to me that he doesn’t want to put the stress of his anxiety/depression on me and therefore I have to pull teeth to get him to even acknowledge to me that he is not well..so it is on me. I feel completely lost on how to help him. My worst fear is that I start resenting him for this because I know from my own experiences that anxiety and depression are real, and it’s not something that just goes away. I don’t know what to do. I do know that if I continue down this path my anxiety is going to sky rocket.

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Good morning, I admire your openness and vulnerability. This sounds like a really challenging situation for all of you. I really hope your husband gets the support he needs to manage his symptoms - and hope you set some good boundaries for yourself because you’re just one person and can only do so much.

I think it would be helpful to have a candid conversation with him and tell him you want to support him, but you're also going through post partum and it's a lot and that you need him to be more open with his communication on how he's doing. Also, encourage him to get more help with this and tell him that if he doesn't want to put the stress of his condition on you, then the best thing he can do is work on himself and get the help needed because at least then you'll know he's doing his best to address it. It might also be a good thing to make a conscious effort to have a daily check in with each other to see how you're both doing mentally and physically. It's just a good way to keep tabs on each other before any emotions/thoughts escalate because they weren't verbalized.

Hey Momma! I want to acknowledge how hard it is to be open about this, good for you for reaching out. I too grew up with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Postpartum is tough on top of everything else. I would recommend the open conversation with your partner on how you want to support him but your plate is already overfilled. Also that you understand he can’t help out and that’s okay, but that he needs to help himself. If he isn’t already on medication, I highly recommend it to get yourself over the initial hurdle. There are two types of meds I think he should start: a long-acting anti-anxiety medication such as an SSRI (escitalopram is common) as well as a short-acting anti-anxiety (benzo, Ativan, etc.). This way he can get the permanent effects from the long acting (as it takes 6 weeks to have a full effect) and the short acting to help out until he gets to the 6 week point. If his meds aren’t working, he needs to tell his doctor. Are there triggers for him that could be eliminated?

(part 2) If none of these help, I think he should consider a voluntary admission to a mental health hospital for more in depth care. This appears to be affecting his life greatly and it seems this is something he could really benefit from. Do you have other supports to help you if he goes? Friends, family? Wishing you all the best

@Paige thank you for the supportive words! Since I’ve posted we have had a few conversations and the door for communicating about this specifically has started to open more. It’s so hard to see someone you love struggle this much and to feel so helpless, so I’m really hoping moving forward that we continue to keep the lines open. He is in fact seeing his doctor on a weekly basis and has been prescribed medications similar to what you mentioned… unfortunately the main trigger is his ex wife (they share a child so he’s stuck with her to some degree — she is just plain nasty), and the other appears to be work which is currently eliminated.. previous to our relationship he was seen at a mental health hospital, he has expressed to me that as of now he doesn’t feel like he is at the point of needing this but should things change for the worse that is where he will be going, so I’m proud of him for acknowledging that if he needs to return that he will.

@Paige (part 2) As for me. Yes I am well supported by family, friends, therapists etc. I came to realize a few years ago when my anxiety was at its worst that it is best to not bottle it up within myself so my doors are open to talk about where I’m at, and even with my partner since having baby we have had ample talks about where I’m at with my anxiety, and I’ve been extra diligent in talking with therapists and midwives.. in this situation with my partner I just feel lost. I know how to support myself, but when it comes to someone I love so deeply I just don’t know what to do. It breaks my heart to see him struggle this much and to think for one minute that I could even start to resent him makes me feel horrible.

I think you are supporting him by the sounds of it more than you realize (open conversations, taking care of the dogs, taking care of your baby, and taking care of the house). If his meds aren’t working, which it sounds like they aren’t, I encourage you to tell him this (that you haven’t seen any improvement) and that he should report this to his doctor so that his doctor can adjust/change it. I understand your feelings, and I think that it totally normal under the circumstances and to be expected. Maybe ask him what he needs to feel supported, and if it’s something you can’t do as you’re at capacity, tell him that. I think maybe possibly mentioning that he needs to seek more help somehow to help your relationship become less strained (that you love him, but managing everything alone pp is very tricky). I truly am wishing you all the best in this ❤️❤️ it’s a tough situation.

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