Ladies, keep me honest. Am I being a bit unreasonable?

Here’s the backstory: my mum has MS (multiple sclerosis). She has infusions every 6 weeks or so to slow down the disease. They can sometimes knock her for six but she usually is okay 3 days post infusion. You wouldn’t guess a thing looking at her, as like any “healthy” adult I suppose, she goes to work, goes about her daily life as much as she can. Overall, she tries not to let this take over. When my daughter was a newborn, she pretty much around every other day, helping out as much as she could so we could catch up on rest. Similar to my partner’s mum (but that’s a whole other story), but it’s always the old story that visits and help tend to slowly dwindle away as the babies get older. There’s been times where we’ve asked if my mum could watch/have our LG overnight, but we’re always met with some sort of reluctance and she often sounds “fed up”. It’s honestly as if she’s scared of her and we feel like she’s a burden. If you know our bubba, she’s quite an easy going child despite her odd days. We’ve probably only asked like 4 times to have her overnight since she’s been born & it’s put us off asking her in fairness. A few weeks before Imani’s 2nd birthday, my mum randomly said that she wants her overnight which worked great for us considering we’d made plans ages ago. I haven’t asked her to watch her. She offered 🤷‍♀️. She’s forever always said that she will have her overnight but has never committed. One excuse once was that she shouldn’t have her because all of her toys were at ours??? About 3 weeks ago, he was then told her infusion date moved to the week of her having Imani over on the weekend. I asked her if she’d still be okay to have her and she said yes. A week ago, we’ve gone around and mentioned to Imani that she’ll have having a sleepover with nanny - my mum stops us and says “no actually we have to see as I have my infusion”. My partner and I looked at each as we know this story all too well. I know life happens but please lol, she knew for a month that this was the situation. I called her yesterday and she’s pretty much backing out (as she has before without infusions or other circumstances), asking if we had plans and that she would confirm with me today if she can have her or not. She will most likely say no but then say “I will have her one night soon!”. Would I be unreasonable to say no for the foreseeable?

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Sorry, super long read! Had to add as much context as possible but I forever will hold my hands up if I’m in the wrong.

I don’t think your unreasonable in saying no as she always backs out from what you’ve put. (She’s obviously in her right to say no or change her mind what I say is wrong is saying yes all along then pulling out) my mum used to have my lg loads and my in-laws but we’ve had to reduce more and pop her into nursery more due to circumstances out of our control to make it fair. We’ve just got used to the fact that if we want a night out it’s separately for the foreseeable future

I wouldn’t say you are being unreasonable, but then she slightly isn’t. Ofcourse it’s a disappointment and let down that she isn’t able to have her grand daughter. I know it would hurt me if my mum didn’t because if anything my mum keeps asking to have her and stays week on ends with her. Have you actually asked her is there a genuine reason she isn’t able to, that she could be covering it with other excuses? How is she during the night with sleep and stuff in regards to her illness. Does she not feel confident to have a baby alone because she’s anxious anything could happen. I think you should genuinely have a deep conversation with her and not let this break anything just yet. If it’s blunt and just doesn’t want your daughter then it’s a different story. Definitely ask is there something else that’s stopping her, maybe she actually doesn’t want to let you down and uses her strongest point “illness” so it isn’t has hurtful to you x

I’d say 50/50. I get it from both views - my MIL who is disabled following a brain injury, absolutely loves having my children BUT, they absolutely exhaust her, and she’ll often spend the evening/next day resting (I do have a 2yr old and 5.5yr old). My partners family have never had the two of them together for overnight stays because I know how it’ll affect my MIL. She’ll look after them for the day/for a few hours but like I said, that absolutely shatters her and she needs a day to rest. Have you fully spoken to your mum? I wonder if it’s similar to my situation that having her just absolutely wipes her, and then finds things difficult? It’s worth having a proper 1-1 conversation with her.

@Hamda we had thought this, she often does get overwhelmed and anxious about things so we try to adapt things for her if she’s watching our LO. I do think a bigger conversation needs to be had. I think where I’m coming from is more the fact that she offered, knowing that she had her infusion coming up and had told me she would still be okay to have her. I would just rather avoid the inconsistency overall 🥲

@Emily agree we def need to have a discussion about it. My mum however can be very much a martyr when we try to address things with her. It makes it very difficult to have clear cut resolutions to things 😮‍💨 It’s just all a bit strange as she said the other day that she forgot how lovely it was hanging out with her and that she would love to spend more time with her 🤯 suppose two things can be true

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, as she keeps going back on what she's said. She really just needs to have an honest conversation with you. But as you say, that might be difficult. I'm wondering if she is getting overwhelmed with the anxiety about it and then making excuses. It's a shame she can't just say this and then you could both find a way to work around it. My Mum is in a care home and my dad is dead. We only have my husband's family to help and that's not quite worked out...They come to the house to see Zi every week but the times they've had him at theirs for a few hours, they never thought to change his nappy! And then they took him to the park and let him go on the wet swing and he was absolutely frozen....So we can't really rely on them like that now. So yeah, family can be really difficult sometimes can't they?!

Depends if you want the time for a date night or something. Unfortunately some grandparents aren’t always hands on.

The illness could be worsening and she's (trying to) come to terms with it? (Don't know much about MS tbf) If she does ever want her overnight though, then she's gotta stick to it unless little one's mood is a straight NO on the day, really. I suppose you could allow every once in a while a sort of spontaneous spring it on her kinda sleepover, if Nana wants to take her that same night or something after visiting and both are in the mood for it. It leaves limited plans for date night for you but. Still, could be good. Ideally though you'd want to prepare little one for a sleepover right? And so if she gets bailed on, again, after being told it's happening... might become a negative feeling for her about her Nan, and that isn't good. Bit of a tough one. Don't rule it out altogether but maybe talk to her about it not being reliable for you and especially your daughter (in a nice way)?

Thanks so much for you comments/suggestions ladies. I had a discussion with her tonight & I was met with defence, but ultimately some of you were right in saying some of it is anxiousness about looking after her, but she also feels she can’t keep up physically too. I said that this is the first ever time in 2 years that you’ve ever said this to us, and if we had known, we would have been able to support or think of solutions. I spoke to her very calmly and candidly, and said verbatim, “no offence at all when I say this, but sometimes we often feel like Imani might be a burden.” She was heartbroken at this and apologised that we felt that way. I’m just hoping this is a turning point & that’s she’s just a bit more honest/consistent with us all, as it’s not fair on everyone otherwise.

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