Am I the problem? Am I a DIL from hell? 😂

So for context.. my husband and his mum have never had the best relationship, she was never really part of our life before we had a baby. We'd see her at birthdays and Christmas and that was enough for us all. Then we had a baby and suddenly she wants to be involved and we now have to endure weeks visits. She wasn't so attentive in the early days but hubby pulled her up on it and now she visits weekly and she's actually said "well X had a go at me so I make sure I come every week now" Any how. Over the last 3 years I've noticed that this woman is constantly fishing for us to fuss her and "stroke her ego" shall we say. I've noticed she hints at what she wants and waits for me to pull the strings and make it happen.. like she'll tell me when she's on annual leave and say things like "we should go to soft play or out on a train for the day" but then never mentions it again? It's almost like she's planting a seed and hoping I tend to it... here's where I think I'm a horrible DIL 😂 I'm a very authentic person.. I don't do things I don't want to do and I don't say things I don't mean. And I can't bring myself to be false in order to please this woman because I hand on heart don't think she deserves it. I've witnessed her be a total arsehole to my husband endless times over the years, there's been so many times I've wanted to tear strips off her, she's lucky that we have maintained a amicable relationship with her and are still welcoming her into our home to spend time with her grandchild. Anyway, We've had this continuous back and forth over Christmas.. she's working all Christmas apart from Christmas Eve, so to me it's obvious that she will visit on Christmas eve. But instead of outright saying "can I visit on Christmas eve?" Each week I've just got "well I've got Christmas eve off..." and then she literally just wide eye stares at me. And I say "oh well that's good that you've got Christmas eve off atleast!" And the staring continues.. 😂 It's very obvious that its important to her that I invite her... but I HATE that she cant just ask ot tell me what her expectations are. It makes me question if I'm really difficult to talk to!? And in all honestly.. I don't care if she comes or she doesn't. It's the only day she can visit over Christmas and I would NEVER begrudge her a visit to see her grandchild but I also wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't come. Maybe I'm an arse for that but I just don't care much for her. I'm very nice and welcoming to her when she wants to visit but if she stopped coming tomorrow there would be no love loss for me, my husband or our LO. So.. bare with me here because this gets abit confusing.. a few weeks ago I mentioned it and said "oh you're coming Christmas eve aren't you?" ... and she ignored me.. and well, maybe I deserved that 🤦‍♀️😂 So fast forward, and I'd already spoken to her mum (great grandma) and told her MIL was coming Christmas eve.. WELL! MIL heard it from her mum "you're visiting Christmas eve aren't you?" And she goes.. "Am I!? It's the first I've heard.. would have been nice to be told" 😂 I was just like "well you kept telling me it was the only day you was off so I thought it was just a given that you'd be coming then?" 😂😂 I'm not sure if I'm the dick head here or not.. I hate that she can't just ask me outright what she wants.. it makes me feel like I'm really difficult to talk to 🤷🏼‍♀️

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I think it’s just one of those things my MIL is like this too she’s says certain things and I’m like are u fucking stupid 😂 but then just have to bite my tongue. Ngl it’s a bit obvious to me if u keep saying that’s the only day off and I’m like yeah it’s a given that you’ll come because ur not not going to ugm? So where’s my choice do I even need to invite you 😂😂 I think she’s being a bit awkward on purpose here but at the same time ur not helping 😅 that said, I understand where you’re coming from because I’d be the same

@Krupha glad its not just me 😂 Yeah exactly, I didn't feel like I could object to her coming on Christmas eve so I didn't have the choice anyway.. so surely I didn't need to ask? 😂 We've literally had the same conversation every week for maybe close to 2 months? 😂 I started seeing it as a waiting game thinking she'd just outright ask me week after week.. and when she didn't I guess I did dig my heels in a little because I can't understand why she can't just ask me outright, it makes me feel like I'm some sort of monster 😂 I know hearing it from her mum has really ruffled her feathers, they're both very competitive when it comes to our LO 🙄🤦‍♀️ And they hate when one knows something before the other so it's likely REALLY pissed her off haha

"It makes me feel I'm difficult to talk to". Yeah, i don't think I'd feel comfortable approaching you. Sounds like you use authenticity as reason to say anything. Sounds like your MIL is actually wanting you to authentically say "we would love you to come". Doesn't sound like she will get it. No winners here! Iv also always been brought up that it's rude to invite yourself somewhere. You wait to be invited. Xx

It’s called dry begging. It’s sometimes a tactic narcissistic people use

It sounds to me like she's a terrible communicator and has been trying to find out if you were available Xmas eve. Just from your mention of her treatment of your husband, I get completely why you're not a fan. Suggest next time she mentions an availability like this you just respond with what your little family's availability at the same time/on the same day is and then leave the metaphorical ball in her court from there.

@Sally you don't think you'd feel comfortable approaching me based on me describing my relationship with my MIL? 😂 No actually I'm using authenticity as a reason to NOT say anything. Because I don't say things I don't mean.. that's my point. I can't authentically tell her I'd love for her to come because that wouldn't be genuine, I'd be lieing to make her feel good. Which I won't do. If that hurts her then she needs to re-evaluate hers and her sons relationship and own up to her wrong doings. I'm very polite, kind and welcoming to this woman when she visits. I just won't fall over myself to make plans outside our agreed weekly visit. And as I've said.. neither does she. She wants it all, but doesn't want to put the work in. I understand that some see it's rude to invite yourself.. but I think this is a bit different. She could just be a normal person and ask what our plans are and see what works for us all, but she hasn't once asked.. she's too focus on herself and what she requires from us.

@Millie oh shes definitely a narcissist 😂 just googled this term and she does it for most of the examples given! Makes a lot of sense actually! 😂

Maybe instead of assuming the conversation or what she wants to get from it. In future, if she says "Christmas eve is my only time off" say "that's great you've Christmas eve off at least, what you thinking plans wise for that day?" That way you're opening the opportunity of discussion but you're not having to lie about how happy you'd be for her to come. You've openly said you wouldn't be grudge it so you can Converse around that without having to pretend you'd love her to come. You can be honest and say she's welcome but you also don't mind if she has other plans. I think it is difficult sometimes to be neutral for your child when you are naturally biased because of your husband. In laws are tough lol

@Amanda yeah that's a good idea! I think it just angers me that she cant communicate properly, It's not just this occasion, she does it all the time hinting at what she wants but just not adult enough to speak to me properly. It really is like talking to a child sometimes.. you know when someones kid comes to your house and they're hungry but too shy to ask for a snack? 😂 "ohh I'm so hungry... those bananas look really yummy... I wish I had a banana" mil is very much the same! 😂 Oh yeah it definitely is difficult but I try my best and I think I do a good job. As a grandma I don't treat her any different to my own mum. I don't think she has any REAL reason to not be able to talk to me properly. When it comes to birthdays and previous Christmas' I'm always asking "what works best for you?" I always try and accommodate her, the fact she's offended because I haven't done it this time when she cant even communicate that she wants to visit just baffles me! 🤷🏼‍♀️

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