Can’t help but strongly dislike them!

My ILs, in particular my MIL, and I didn’t really interact much or have too much of a relationship before my babies were born. We would visit every 6 weeks or so for an afternoon and on their birthdays, my husband visited more often. In my early pp she was so so nasty to me and really stressed me out, so much so it caused my milk supply to drop and baby to stop gaining weight and so months of check ups on my breastfeeding. Those issues were mostly to do with her expectations she would be HEAVILY involved, able to pop in anytime most days, pick baby up when she wanted, babysit very regularly etc not meeting my boundaries and what I was comfortable with. There was also a huge blowout because we decided on mutual friends as godparents and she “always thought” it should be her daughter. Fast forward two years and they see my little girl most weeks. I always try and plan a visit or an invite into our weekends but frankly I hate it. I dread spending time with them and I hate when they interact with him. They’re always picking her up and babying her and I can see her frustration, they show no interest at all in me and I can go ignored the whole visit, sometimes they’ll ask a question eg about my work or family and when I answer they won’t even be pretending to listen. I know they love her and mean no harm to him but she is a nasty woman, I’ve seen her nasty self centred side toward me and others and although it’s not targeted at him it makes me so uncomfortable to see her “fake nicey” all the time. They are better at boundaries such as I’ve said they have to leave at nap time etc but ignore things like I’ve asked them not to have phones or cameras in her face all the time and FIL literally films constantly when I’m not in the room or he thinks I’m not watching, I’ve even caught him jerk his phone out of little one’s face as I brought the tea around a corner. Should i just get over all these horrible feelings and keep sucking up the trips? Am I being horrible holding a grudge? I read some real horror stories here like violence and neglect and it’s not that bad (though I’d never leave them alone with my little girl) It doesn’t help that it’s always ME planning these meet-ups, my husband says “just make it work around our schedule and if it doesn’t work this week it doesn’t matter” but if it doesn’t work they’re calling around on Monday unannounced anyway. I feel my weekends revolve around the trips and the bad feelings last much longer because I dread seeing them and often am in a bad mood afterwards. Last week they hung out with my husband while I was busy, and my little girl fell and got a really bad cut, she was choking and coughing on the blood and her lip is swollen since, my husband is really defensive of them and has even said “I’m extra defensive because you don’t trust them” and that makes me trust them all less because why should he overly defend someone who didn’t need it! We are planning to see them Christmas morning for a few hours, as well as Boxing Day for dinner, they’ve already ignored my requests regarding gift giving and I’m dreading that trip too and just don’t want it to ruin my Christmas!

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I don't know how you do it, I would've put my foot down long ago...my ILs are lovely and I love them to pieces but even then I wouldn't see them EVERY week, I have a social life too! I'd honestly start seeing them less often, it doesn't hurt the kids and will improve your mood.

I’ve tried broaching that with husband, as kids get bigger and busier we won’t be able to go every week but they’re really on his back “when will we see you all this week” and he thinks it’s important that they “build a relationship” in the beginning he wanted me to hang out with MIL on mat leave while he worked (all coming from her ideas obv) because I wouldn’t leave her with her but he understands why I won’t do that

Have you told him how stressed and unhappy it makes you feel? And has he ever tried talking to them about treating you better? Cause it can't go on like this, it's not fair to you

If you think it will ruin your Christmas, it probably will if you’re going to focus on the negative. It sounds like they care about your daughter and want to be involved but I don’t see a point in going when it’s just going to stress you out. Do what will make you happy and comfortable

This is way too much of an intrusion you have your own life too! Just because you’re a mum it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to decide how to spend your time anymore. I would agree on maybe seeing them every other week if that works, ask your husband to be the one to arrange it (why should you) & to put it in the calendar. And he needs to put his foot down about unannounced visits.

If you don't want to see them then don't. If you don't see them on the weekend and you know they will come round in the Monday, uninvited, either don't be in the house when they come or tell them they can't come in as it's not convenient. If you don't set your boundaries and make people respect them then they will ignore them

This is such a tough one. I think every week is absolutely excessive and I think your husband needs to manage his own and their expectations around this. I do know how hard it is to get partners to understand this sometimes without it looking like you just have an issue with their folks. You could try getting really serious with him and explain it's affecting your mental health as you feel overwhelmed, over stretched and like your home or time is not your own. Regarding uninvited visits. Could you either get a video doorbell so you can screen it or answer the doorbell if they come unannounced and say, I'm really sorry (I've got company, the kids are napping, I'm having a bath, I'm on an important call or anything else they can't intrude upon). I got one incase we had uninvited callers when I was post-partum and it gave me real peace of mind. I totally hear you. I get so stewed up for days before I see my in laws, it's such a source of stress.

Thanks everyone. My husband has called them out on my behalf for being downright hurtful etc but a lot of things they do or say he claims I’m misunderstanding or “you just think that because you don’t like them” so it’s difficult. When new baby is born I’m hoping will be more manageable as when she was little we would have the excuse of “have to go home for her nap” or “she’s sleeping” but now that’s harder. FILs actual first words when we told them about pregnancy were “Wait and see, when baby comes you’ll let us take her whenever wherever and they’ll be watching the iPad all day and eating crisps and you won’t care” which is insulting, incorrect and obviously his expectations aren’t going to be met! After Christmas I’ll broach the idea of every two weeks. Do you guys generally find it easier to visit ILs with your husbands and little ones or leave them to it? Both give me different anxiety!

Good question. I always go with husband and baby. This is because we have had multiple incidents of my MIL ignoring requests around kissing babies face and strange things like them wanting us to change his nappy in front of them. As much as I find it awful to go, I absolutely won't put my son at any type of risk.

I also feel this same way. I started driving myself insane making a day free every week in case they asked to come or just turned up. It was awful. Me and my in laws had a huge falling out and my OH is so supportive of me and the kids. He said if I don’t want to spend time with them then I don’t have to but he also understands that it makes me uncomfortable for them to have them alone or him to go with the kids without me (just because my mil has always demanded that I’m not to go to their house and partner and kids only which got my back up and now I really won’t let it happen!!) so we cut contact for coming up to a month now. Mil wants to meet to discuss everything and I’m going to set realistic boundaries in place to see if we can all move forward but that’s to be determined as they expect too much. I think it’s when in laws have a certain expectation of what their life should look like with grandchildren in it they get ahead of themselves, start overstepping and demanding things.

If they would just let DILs take things at their own pace and be helpful along the way instead of piling on pressure, they’d have a lot more natural quality time as we’d have built up trust and they’d be having them by now!!

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