help my marriage!!

i’m so close to ending things! it’s not just one of those things you say in an argument to hurt the other person, when we through around the word divorce we’re starting to really mean it. i’ve heard about the four horsemen of relationships and how it can be a predictor of how long a marriage will last.. well i think we have 4/4. go us!! it’s not funny and i know it’s not funny but i have recently been using humour to keep myself from ripping a hole through my house out of anger. it’s worse because we have a little baby girl (6 months old in 4 days) and whenever i’m around her durning our arguments i feel whatever i’m feeling twice as strong because i feel so guilty that she’s apart of this. i have dreamed of being a mother and a wife and a homemaker and this is not at all what i pictured it to be. this is my first child and my first husband, he’s the first man i’ve dated who has provided for me enough so i don’t have to work or pay my bills. i didn’t know that meant he was also paying me to bow down to everything he says.. i was raised by a single mother who instilled the independence in me of a woman who needs no man.. yet here i am incapable of leaving someone who drives me fucking crazy! but because of this i, even more so, don’t want our daughter to grow up without a father. i want more than anything the picture perfect family, i know there’s really no such thing but it gets hard to not compare our relationship to those we see on social media. where people talk about the way they solve their problems, i try to implement every idea i can into the fights we have but right now we’re struggling to repair and i need some help.. even when we do repair this time, who’s to say the next big fight won’t be tomorrow? it seems like we have been fighting over the literal smallest of things. today? i didn’t put the hotdogs in the fridge fast enough and my response made him feel disrespected. all i wanted was him to take care of our daughter long enough for me to clean the fridge and put everything away. how fucking stupid is that!! and we’re screaming mean things at eachother, it’s just a million and one tiny things that push us to the edge closer and closer everyday. i need someone to give me some advice.. or tell me a time when you thought you were at the end of your marriage but got back what you were in the early days to give me some courage to believe we can get past this.. i’m in literal tears and idk what to do

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The first year postpartum is so hard. You have to figure out how to be a couple again with the baby. Can you two spend some time apart? Maybe go visit your family or a friend? Have you done any couples counseling?

You have to be kind to each other. It quite helped us to be HONEST about how this season is PRETTY SHIT. Like it's hard and you're both drowning (assuming he actually helps with bub and housework and doesn't just treat you like a bang maid)

@Jenny haven’t done the counselling but really want to. would be open to suggestions

@Ella he helps, he’s really good too when he gets around to it. but whenever we fight it’s like he’s punishing me by not doing anything. he leaves me to do everything with the baby and the house until we resolve things and he doesn’t want me to take our baby to my friends or family’s, he doesn’t approve of them :/

That sounds petty and a tad bit controlling. I would try therapy first to see if that helps. It helped us

@Susie do you have one you’d recommend?

It depends on where you live. We got couples therapy through the military and they also paid for individual therapy for both of us. I recommend individual therapy too

I’d definitely recommend therapy. My husband and I did premarital counseling and our therapist had us read “Wired for Love.” It’s definitely a must-read for couples. You also both need time alone. Alone from each other and alone from the baby. Postpartum is hard on everyone. It sounds like you just need some breathing space. My husband and I play “tag” with passing the baby. I have her most of the time, but when it gets too much or I just want a break, I “tag” him in for a 30 minute break. If it is longer than that, there is the understood assumption that I should be doing something (shower, a chore, work). As your baby becomes more mobile and interactive, dads tend to *want* to hang out with them more.

Therapy ASAP but always remember that happy parents are more beneficial to children than the family staying together. Staying together just for your child will ultimately cause them so much more damage in the long run

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