@Vicky 15 daughter and 13 son. They feed off of each other and then tag team against me. If daughter says no, son will say no just cause daughter did and vice versa.
But if I turned around and said. Fiancé got us all tickets to go to a professional football game in the city they would jump all over it. These are not the children I raised. I left their father not only for cheating but the HORRIBLE narcissistic mental, physical and verbal abuse he put me through. They are acting just like him. It’s breaking my heart.
It’s very difficult situation. As someone from a broken home I can only tell you to ride it out. I used to give my mum such a hard time and idolise my ‘part time’ dad. When I grew up I realised it was much easier to blame the parent at home especially when confronted with them ‘moving on’ even though it was my dad who cheated and left and had a new family first. It will get better eventually but I think you do maybe just need to explain to them that they aren’t little children anymore and can make decisions for themselves. If they don’t want to go they don’t need to but you are really sad that they can’t see how important it is to you for them to accept your partner in your life. I would just remain calm and stick to your decision about swapping days. It might seem harsh but you can’t always pander to it. Make it clear that you really wish they would come but you won’t force them. Eventually they will grow out of it xx
First of all, I don’t think you’re a bad mom from what I’m reading. You deserve a happy healthy relationship. While considering your children in your choices is important ultimately you are the adult who can decide what’s best for your family and their future. As far as this situation goes maybe consider a compromise? Tell them they WILL be attending the gathering but will have the option to leave after X amount of time (after dinner or after 2 hours etc). Maybe after being there they will be a bit more open minded. Sucks you are having manage this and I hope you are able to enjoy your holiday either way 🤗
@Vicky I understand. I came from a broken home too, although I never acted like this. They understand it’s better for their father and I not to be together. I am going to continue to let them make the decision, but I’m sick of being made to feel bad when their answer is always no. I tell them, this is what I’m doing and ur more than welcome and it’s no. At first I would just cancel, now I still go. If they don’t want to go they can stay home and miss out. But once again I’m a bad mom to them and my ex because I’m choosing my “new family.” Christmas Eve they said just to leave them home alone and I can go and be with my new family. I said absolutely not, you’ll go with ur father. They expected me to feel bad, and I do… but I don’t. What will happen if/when we get married? Pregnant? I already asked them both if they rather live with their dad because I will not force them through court. They both said no. They see him every other weekend and one weeknight. I do everything for them
I’m just not going to allow children to dictate my life anymore. There’s no reason for this nonsense
Yeh it sounds like they are echoing your ex’s words to them. Unfortunately I think you just need to call their bluff. It seems like you have been very honest and clear with them that you are not choosing anyone over them but that they cannot get their own way every time. I think all you can do is keep making it clear to them that you love them and have made decisions to take things slowly to give them time but that you can’t always give them everything they want when it’s hurting you so much. They will always be your priority but at the end of the day they are children and you are the adult so you get to make the final decision even if it is not always what they would prefer.
Seems to me you put a lot of effort in to making your fiancé happy. Your teens are still children they need a mom to put their needs first.
I can only say that I hope one day in the next few years they will see how much you did for them and that their behaviour was being influenced by their father. As adults they will come back to the parent who actually had their best interests at heart x
@Nowy I’m not sure where that’s coming from. Or what extreme effort I’m putting into solely my fiancé. I have put my children’s needs above my own since the day they have been born. That’s my job. Their happiness has been my number one priority. However now as teenagers they are showing an almost selfish side of them that I can not comprehend. They do not have any reason to dislike him other than he is not their dad, and what their dad is filling their heads with. I have a right to be happy too. What they do not have the right to do as children is try to dictate and manipulate to get their way. If I wasn’t putting their needs first my FIANCE and I would be living together. I would tell them they have no choice but to go to Christmas Eve. I wouldn’t even give options. Thank you for your input
I believe you’re the same lovely lady I commented on a post previously about this where the fiance was telling his child off and one of your kids butted in or some such. I can’t even believe the stress your kids are putting you under and I can’t believe the father is allowing them to disrespect you. Fathers should have mothers backs REGARDLESS of how they feel about you!! I say do what you want for Christmas. If they don’t wanna join in or put aside their BS then don’t let it ruin your day. Don’t let them guilt trip you. The dad should actually grow up. He is allowing this to happen.
You’re not choosing a man over your children. You’re being a parent and sometimes that’s just the way it goes! Respect is mutual is not you honor your kids only and respect their opinion it’s vice versa. You made plans and those are the plans, whether they like it or not. They’re prob not going to like the fact that you’re making them do something they don’t want to do but I think it’s really out of whatever is going on between their dad and you. You can’t teach them to be like that opportunistic, there’s a lot to be learned in this situation. It’s about being considerate to other people that have gone above and beyond to welcome them and be considerate and respectful of you too as their mother. I think you should force them to go and not feel guilty about it. In regards to their dad let him throw his hissy fit if he’d like. Maybe you can also try compromising with them that you don’t have to stay all night and in the morning time you guys can do something special just the three of u
@Sera Kay ✨ you don’t even know the half of it. My daughter informed me yesterday that my exes mother sat her down and told her they are going to do everything to get her and her brother away from me because of my fiance. I said what did fiance do? Daughter said “we just don’t like him.” So then I asked them again about wanting to live with their dad, and they insisted they don’t. I hate that they are doing this. Part of me doesn’t want them to even see their father anymore if he is going to continue to manipulate these children. He has my children believing my fiancé is a felon!!!! I had to pull a background check and prove to KIDS that he wasn’t!!!!
You say in your post you’re going to your fiancés family’s for Christmas Eve and it’s going to stay that way..you also are upset that your children dont take in consideration that you only have your fiancé now? Well to me that sounds like an insult to them, you do have family you have them your children..when you have kids and you get in another relationship people just automatically think that their new partner is their person but unfortunately it can’t be that way. Or it shouldn’t be. You have children to consider and if my children didn’t like my partner that would be it for me. So I’m sorry I can see why they’re upset.
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@Sera Kay ✨ their father said “they don’t like him get over it and stop trying to force a family that will never happen. Their family is over here with me.”
@Nowy maybe you misunderstood. I meant it’s going to stay that way as in I can’t make an alternate plan on their behalf such as let’s have Christmas Eve at my house. Or let’s do Christmas instead of Christmas Eve. I also said the only family I have is them meaning my children, my fiance and my mother. This divide is breaking my heart. The bottom line is my kids DO like my fiancé. They like him when they are not with their dad (ironically they would be with their dad the following day hence the Christmas Eve drama because they would get grilled from their father the next day) and they LOVE him when he’s spending money on them. And the last part we can agree to disagree. My kids mean the world to me but if I let them dictate my life it’s a complete lack of respect towards me as the parent and the one making decisions. I might as well let them run rampant.
@Bella I appreciate this, and I’m trying. I told them it’s just dinner. They laughed and said we don’t care. I asked them to please atleast just think about it, because it’s not just hurting me, it’s hurting a lot of people. They informed me that if they act “okay” with fiancé then dad will be mad at them. Dad hates him so passionately and talks about him 24/7 to these kids. One time I had to even pick my daughter up because she called me crying that she told her dad she was uncomfortable with all of his fiancé questions and he went ballistic. It’s such a shit situation and I truly don’t know what to do. I know deep down they have zero problem going, that’s what’s killing me. It’s easier for them to play selfish than to tell their dad “we want to go.”
You still need to enjoy your Christmas Eve! I think you are making the right decision. They are teens and a lot of times teens make wrong decisions. They will be fine can stay with their dad then. They will grow out of this one day I'm sure and understand.
I think force the kids to go (it’s good for them to be part of big family gatherings like this. also, their brains aren’t done developing. They don’t fully understand the impact of potentially choosing to miss a last Christmas with a grandparent and shouldn’t be given the option. Let them opt out of smaller things but not this.) and maybe get some legal advice about your ex. All of this shit seems to be stemming from him and I would hope there could be some recourse for him lying to and manipulating your kids (ex: convincing them your finance is a felon?!)
@paula I totally appreciate what you’re saying. That’s where I’m torn. Although still children they are old enough to make decisions like that in everyone else’s opinion. In my opinion, I was raised to not question your parent’s ability to be a parent. But most importantly I also want my children to enjoy their Christmas. My fear is, I force them to go and it starts another war with their father. It has been hell over here. If they argue with me, which they have been over this, they call their dad and their dad uses it as ammunition and threatens to take them using his mommy’s money and lawyers. I haven’t done anything wrong of course, but I’m not quite sure if at 15 and 13 are their voices more heard as opposed to let’s say 4 and 6. Their voices are heard, I hear them loud and clear, but this is all nonsense. I know they don’t have a problem with my fiancé, it’s their father and they are scared of disappointing him. But maybe they truly feel my fiancés family is not their family 😔
I don’t think they see your fiancé and his family as true family. They probably see it as a rejection of their father if they go to your fiancé’s place for xmas. I think it’s healthier to voice their opinions than to keep it inside. You can potentially let them have a fun day at home alone (set up a home theater situation) or send them to their friend’s place, while you go to your fiancé’s family’s gathering, and then you come home at night to do something special together.
If you have already attempted to have a level headed open dialogue with them regarding this issue and allowing them to bring up their concerns and let their feelings be validated, but also point out the contradictions in order to work towards a resolution... I would say you may want to look into seeing a family therapist. Children need to feel validated and when the feelings they have are irrational or based on lies it can be difficult to do that and that's where a neutral third party is helpful.
That’s so hard and really frustrating as it’s their father who is making this happen. Have you sat them down and asked what the problem is? Like if your fiancé is a genuinely nice guy why do they hate him so much? Maybe make it clear to them that he makes you happy and that should matter? I have a 16 year old and he’s always said to me ‘if he makes you happy then go for it’
I hate this situation for you ♥️ Honestly though, my opinion is that as their mom you absolutely can force them to go somewhere they don’t want to. It may not be an enjoyable experience, but it sounds like they could use a reminder that you are the parent and if they have a miserable Christmas Eve then it’s because they chose to make it one for themselves. I’d also have a heart-to-heart conversation with them about all of these issues and how it affects you. They may not get it, but you never know!
How old are your children?