Rage

Long story short, I’ve started throwing things and slamming doors, occasionally punching or kicking walls. I have 2 under 2 and really try to remove myself when I’m upset but I know the toddler hears doors etc and will ask if I’m mad… I’m always honest and say even though I’m grumpy I should have found a different way to calm down and we practice taking deep breaths together… I want her to know I’m trying. I also tell her repeatedly it’s not her fault (even if the frustration comes from her actions often). I’m scared shitless by what feels like a lack of control in those white hot rage moments but I don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy but I don’t think my therapist is taking it seriously. After 5 sessions her only advice is to “try and find some me time.” That doesn’t feel like enough. Not to mention really downplayed my suicidal thoughts, which were really hard for me to admit. It happens when I can’t put one of the kids down and I have to pee and eat something or when the toddler hurts me (usually accidentally but they’ve been brutal lately) or trying to feed the baby but having to stop constantly to keep the toddler from grabbing knives or climbing up the wall or something, or the multi-hour tantrum where I’m trying to stay regulated and calm but reduced to tears… all of this on top of sleep deprivation. My point is that the triggers are going to keep happening and I don’t know how to respond. I know some people with depression struggle the most at night, but for me it’s the morning. Every day when I come to and open my eyes I just dread having to do it all over again. The past few days I’ve literally fought back tears when I wake up. I should add, my husband works but is extremely helpful with the kids and household chores when he can be. We don’t have tons of family support, but some. All in all I feel like I don’t actually have anything to complain about so I don’t understand why I feel like I’m going to implode all the time. I wonder if I’m just not cut out for this and should disappear.

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I’ve been here so I just want to say I seriously hear you and feel you on this. You are not alone and I’m so sorry/heartbroken your therapist is gaslighting you. Sleep deprivation was the biggest reason for me feeling the rage. Once that was finally tackled I didn’t get those episodes anymore. Whenever I have lack of sleep now I find myself having rage feelings again and that’s how I got the connection. Two under two is SO hard. I don’t even think we fully realize how stressed the f out our bodies are from it. Hang in there mama— it probably seems like an endless road but once you get more sleep I have really high hopes it might get better as it did for me. ❤️

Hey mama! Wow, what an honest post. And honestly, from one fellow mama but also a psychotherapist I can relate to so many of your points. You hit the nail on the head with the “out of control” feeling you’ve mentioned. This can quite often be the cause of the rage and happens when we feel like we can’t get a grip on our surrounding environment; I.e wanting to do one thing but having to involuntarily change your focus to accommodate the toddler. If you feel like your therapist isn’t quite the fit you’re absolutely valid to mention this to her. Mention you need better coping strategies when things feel overwhelming and you’re overstimulated by the noise, mess, tantrums etc. Deep breathing can definitely help regulate your nervous system but often can’t change how your feeling in that moment. What I often do when I feel very overwhelmed is find something I can control. Even if it’s just how I respond in that moment can feel empowering

I don’t know if you would consider taking antidepressants. Medication has helped me. I stopped taking it during fertility, pregnancy, and breastfeeding but it was so hard and I have since been advised that there’s little if any risk to taking them throughout the process. Also if your therapist is not a good fit, maybe try another one. I don’t know what state you are in but the one I work with is only licensed for Florida. Good luck, mama, and definitely lean on your support both for help with the babies as well as emotional support, venting, telling funny stories about poop or boogers, etc. Ask your social media friends to send you memes to get you through a moment. Whatever works! Sending positive thoughts. Take your suicidal thoughts seriously and if you need to, call 911. You can also call 988 specifically for suicide hotline. Your babies need you and if it feels like you’re screwing it up that means you care and you’re doing awesome. Keep going mama!

I'm so sorry you're here now 💙 When you need to punch and kick, I hope you'll do it to your mattress. It can take it, and it won't tear up your hands (or walls). Think about putting all of the knives up for a while. Forget your therapist, tell your doctor you want antidepressants yesterday. Then get a new therapist! Ask your husband if he can commit to giving you time to shower daily. Keep some rice cakes or quick snacks on the counter for when you need to eat but don't have time to make food right at that second. Try using earplugs when things get loud. If you're having a hard day, buckle the kids in the stroller and go for a walk. (preferably until 1 or both are asleep). Tell your husband when these feelings come up. Take a daily multivitamin. Have regular calls with friends. When you're going through it, it feels like this will last forever, but it won't. In a few months, a year from now, two years from now, things will look completely different. Talk about daycare and preschool with your husband.

Are you on meds? Rage is usually actually pp anxiety, not pp depression (ofc you could have both) so you may need to be on an anti anxiety

Oh I coulda written this. My psych hears me say I’ve been having out of character thoughts & nonstop rage and she says hm sounds like the meds are working 🤣 I’ve hit close to the end of my rope a few too many times within the last few months alone. Idk what else to say other than we know our brains are mean and stupid, and we are trying so hard.

Hey girl, I have 2u2 also and feel a lot of stress lately, if you’d like to chat feel free to message me. My kids are 13 months apart and test the shit out of me daily, it’s ROUGH. I’m thinking of you and have advice to offer if you’re interested! xx

Thank you all. I’m going to read these comments again tomorrow because they made me feel so seen and supported. It’s so hard and embarrassing to talk about this stuff. I think I will talk to my Dr about meds because no matter how much work I’m putting in, it’s clearly not working. I’m nervous about adding in another emotional wildcard because hormones have been taking me for a fing ride the past couple of years, and nervous about getting dependent on something, but maybe it’s worth it

I was trying to watch a movie with my husband tonight and the baby started crying and as I got up to go nurse her I muttered that I hate my job. I didn’t think my husband heard me but he did and looked so hurt and sad, said he didn’t know I felt that way. I wish I could be better and happier for him as much as for the kids

feel free to inbox me whenever 🫶🏼🫂 I don’t hold judgement & I bet I could relate a lot, I’m around when I can be.

It's normal to hate your job! My husband said this to me today, and he has a nice office job. It's not your kids you hate. It's the endless caretaking & housekeeping tasks. It's having no time to yourself. Surely your husband can understand that. The day after day slog can really get to you no matter what you do. Try to find ways to add new things to your routine. Novelty can go a long way. Visit a new park. Get a snack from a farmers market. Do Starbucks drive through... When your kids get a little older, think about getting a pet that can match their energy. (I just got kittens and there is a lot of good synergy there.) You don't have to love every second of motherhood. Be happy when you're happy, sad when you're sad and mad when you're mad. Trying to be happy when you're at the edge of reason just isn't honest. Don't put on a brave face for your husband. Show him the ugly parts so you can make it better together. It sounds like he wants to be there for you, but he doesn't know the depth of the problem. 🩵