No longer sending Christmas gifts

I don't think they'll think much of it if you choose not to send anything. They are old enough to understand that Christmas is expensive and you can't do it all. Honestly mine wouldn't be upset and I wouldn't be either if someone had chosen not to gift them anything. In fact we're not spending Christmas with my family this year because I can't travel so close to my due date and I've told everyone to not send my teens anything and treat themselves instead. I've already bought quite a lot for them and they don't need/want anything!

@Audrey this is so helpful. Thank you! I know each family has their own expectations and dynamics but I agree that my wishful thinking is it will be understood :) They live out of state so over the years gifts felt like a way to show we cared, but now our logic is using that money towards our yearly visit to see his family. She just sent me a text yesterday about sending out a box of gifts for my kids, so I felt a bit remorseful to not be doing the same. However my kids are toddlers so what she sends, her pick, is embraced and loved. Last year, we spent over $500 in sweatshirts because she sent us a specific brand and size they wanted... my husband and I don't even spend that much on our family of 4 so left a bad taste and he told me to stop 😐

Personally I think you should continue until they turn 18. Ironically we had that conversation earlier about our niece and nephew (both at uni) however I think if we stopped then they would as well and their kids are a lot older so seems slightly unfair. My oh usually was in charge of buying when they were younger and his choices were odd! Now it is just money or Amazon but that’s just how life goes.

If you want to change things with bil & sil start with them. Don't penalize your nieces & nephews. Send money until they're 18. It doesn't have to be a lot. If you want acknowledgment, send it with a blank thank you card and prestamped envelope. If they don't fill it out, then you can stop early. If they aren't working, they will appreciate having some pocket money for going out with friends that they don't have to deal with their parents to get.

@Karen if I choose to still continue, I'm going against my husband's wishes and his Mom who said it didn't need to continue. It is his family after all. I do know we do not want to send money. I also don't want to be given a list of what they want and have to spend hundreds. However I do not want to buy something they wouldn't like 🥺 is there a reason you feel it needs to continue until all three are 18?

@Bonny we have never sent gifts to the grown ups! Always the kids. And actually his younger brother has a toddler and both them and us have never sent gifts to one another's kids so at this point, it's just the SILs teens. They all live in the same town so it feels unbalanced to continue. I'm happy to stop. Not sure if my husband's thought process that some type of convo/text isn't necessary is the best though. How is it penalizing his SIL/her husband? Her kids are much older now and we now have our own kids. It seems logical. I could understand how her kids might be confused, but I don't feel that's a good enough reason to continue making myself uncomfortable over buying gifts 🤔 nor ignoring that my husband doesn't want to and his Mom encouraged us to stop and only focus on our children? Curious the reasoning why it needs to continue to the age 18

I would communicate. Not for the SIL but for the kids who will most likely not know why you stopped giving them gifts. Why don't you send gifts to your toddler nephew but spend $500 on your teen niblings? I'd do 1 of 2 things; Communicate with the SIL, and explain that you can't afford to send $500 every year, so will be stopping the gifts for her kids. Explain that you've done it for x amount of time, and you hope this doesn't impact your kids and that while she is under no obligation, it would be nice to continue to gift your kids things until they are around 12/13 too. Explain that you live your nerves and nephews, and this doesn't change that. Or The same thing, but that this will be your last year and send them each a $20-50 gift card. I hope things work out for you guys and that you have a very Merry Christmas 🎄

@Hannah thanks for the feedback. Well my BIL had kid two years ago and we didn't start sending anything because our 3yro and 5yro hadn't received anything ever. It wasn't ill intent. My husband just said he didn't feel the need and I get it. But our 17yro nephew and 15/14yro neices had already been recieving gifts from us since I met my husband 12 yro ago. My SIL sent out things for Christmas/birthdays the moment we had kids so it's just been the dynamic. We don't plan to now begin sending gifts to the 2yro and agree that it makes sense to end buying gifts for the teens. How do I communicate??? Especially if my husband suggested not to. It feels so awkward to send a text saying we are stopping. Even my family said just to stop and it would be understood but I just feel uncomfortable:(

Communicate with your husband. Tell him that you want to communicate with your SIL. You don't want to just do it with letting her know. If that is something you actually want to do. I'd have stopped sending the teens gifts at that point, not now. You've created a very weird dynamic. The whole dynamic is weird. Unless you are no or low contact, the niblings should get treated the same.

@Hannah how did we create a weird dynamic? We began giving gifts to his nephew/neices when I got with my husband 12 yrs ago. Adults have never been included, both giving and receiving. Our oldest is 5 and youngest is 3. My SIL is the only one on his side who has sent gifts as well. His brother never did and now has a 2yro. So we just matched the dynamic of no gifts? Now are no longer sending gifts to the teens as we don't feel comfortable sending money nor want to be given a list of expensive items to purchase? No clue how that is very weird

Update. My SIL says in regards to her Mom telling my husband we no longer need to send gifts (I assumed they had talked) that she is "at a loss of words" .... so I explained we have never send gifts to BILs child so maybe to now make it equal, no more gifts but will make sure when we visit once a year that it's a great time 😒 I've been left on read. My husband said "we are not sending money or spending ridiculous amounts of money on specific items" It is his family and I also feel him. His Mom sucks and is so confusing but also a great way to bow out of gifts moving forward

You started sending gifts when their eldest was 5. Your partner clearly doesn't care about gifting things to his nieces and nephew. That is all weird. Then you decided not to gift a niece/nephew on the same side anything. Like completely different treatment. You kept giving gifts to the others, though. Like I would 1000% have either stopped when that baby was born or included that child. She sounds like an entitled cow. It seems like she is upset her kids won't be getting expensive af gifts anymore. Good for you for talking to her. Balls in her court now. I would still consider explaining that you can't afford it. Did you have a conversation about this with his mum, or did he? You are blaming mum and saying she is confusing and sucks (how i dont know), but this isn't her fault. She made a suggestion and your husband ran with it. He made this choice. You both did.

We both no longer want to send gifts because life has become very expensive and to balance, we aren't even giving one another gifts this year. I don't think it's weird we didn't send gifts to our 2yro nephew. My BIL and wife never acknowledged our kids, so we just matched. No hard feelings but we had a child 3yrs prior to them having theirs so if nothing was acknowledged, why would we? My SIL sent gifts the moment we had kids. Which makes sense as we have been doing so since I entered the picture. My husband was in medschool and too broke prior. I came along and loved them all, had money and so we began gifting. I'm now a SAHM and gifting teens no longer makes sense for us. My family thinks no convo needed to be had and that stopping is normal. My MIL is a shit stirrer in that I assumed her advice was based on a convo with my SIL, which is turns out was not. Such an overstep to tell us what to do. Yet, we already were wanting to end gift giving so it made sense to us as we don't want to spend money anymore.

That's a lot of hate that I don't think your MIL deserves in this situation. I never said stopping was weird. It's up to you what you do, but I think it's rude to not have a conversation and to just abruptly stop. I hope things work out. Merry Christmas.

@Hannah i did have a conversation with my SIL tonight, after posting this. She said she was at a loss of words. I don't hate my MIL, but she overstepped as she usually does when us adults can make our own decisions.