Mom guilt… should you really feel guilty?

Should we really feel guilty about going to have a girls night? Should we feel guilty about having a couple hours of self care? Should we feel guilty about getting a babysitter to go on a date with our husbands? I can’t imagine that any of this is wrong.

Obviously I am not talking about negligence, abuse, etc.

I dont agree with that lol

@Brittany I never feel guilty for any of the things you listed. I 100% agree with u that these are not things to feel guilty about in fact they are so important and actually contribute to u being the best version of urself for ur kids so they are a must!!!! The things I do tend to feel guilty about are things like… am I spending enough one on one time with each of my kids…. Are we going out enough… did they watch a little too much tv today…these are the things I tend to dwell on… definitely NOT a much needed night out. So I guess in that sense that person could be right. If I’m feeling guilty then maybe there is something there I could be doing better.. maybe they did watch a little too much tv… for me I try not to stay in that place of guilt. I feel it… take something away from it… give myself some credit and then I move on. It becomes unhealthy when u stay in that place of guilt.

I've never had a day off since my son was born (3yrs ago in January) but if I did i wouldn't feel guilty. Maybe lost bc it's been so long but not guilty. We're all human and have identities besides being moms

Somethings I feel guilty for I know are because I wasn’t the best version of myself in that moment e.g. I was on my phone a bit too long on that day, I was overstimulated so didn’t take the time I should have to explain soemthing etc (albeit I think it’s an unrealistic expectation to always show up as your best self in motherhood which is a 24/7 job) other things I feel guilt for are society wide issues e.g going back to work, putting my child in childcare at a young age etc. So I think sometimes it can be a sign that you need to work on something but other times it’s just something that mothers feel due to circumstance & society not aligning with the biological needs of a mother/child.

I even feel guilty when I'm on the toilet, he's trying to touch and I keep turning him away, he screams and it's all my fault. But a human has to wee 😂 I'm not one for adult nappies right now 😂

I saw this comment too and it made me step back and think a bit, but I came to the conclusion that mum guilt, like any other emotion, can coexist with opposing feelings. I sometimes feel guilty about my children going to nursery, especially at the moment where my youngest is just starting and is finding the separation hard. BUT simultaneously, I feel happy to be getting my professional identity back, I feel empowered about contributing financially again to my household, relieved to have a bit of a break, excited to progress my career etc. And to interpret mum guilt as a sign I could and should do better would be detrimental to my mental health in other ways. No feelings are more or less valid than another. And my mental health and wellbeing is as important as my children’s. It’s not as black and white as I interpreted that comment to mean.

@Zaza agree with all of that

@Drew hopefully you get one soon ❤️

@Molly yup, extremely valid

@Hannah girl, go pee without guilt lol!

@Chloe I think you hit the nail on the head.

I feel like a lot of mom guilt is because of how society makes you feel. I don't think it actually means you are guilty. Just that people have convinced you that you are.

Being made to feel guilty for feeling guilty?! Pfftt, not helpful.

@Brittany but it really upsets him that he can't reach into the toilet. But yeah of course I don't let him but just lots of crying

Viewing guilt as a sign that you need to change is oversimplified. It’s normal to sometimes feel guilt even when you’re doing everything right. It’s also normal to feel guilty about things that aren’t ideal but that you have no power to change - I feel guilty about a lot of horrible things that happen in the world, but I can’t try to fix all of them.

I had mom guilt because my son was born premature. So, what action could I've had changed to stop that feeling. What could I have done better. Nothing. So I disagree with this statement

Hmm it’s a tough one. I only feel guilt if I feel I have fallen short in another area (not always the truth, just how I “feel”), E.g having a self-care day when child is ill (even though the other parent is there and can help). It’s like there has to be “perfect conditions” before I can truly feel great about taking a day off/ doing something for me. It’s something I’m working on 🙂

I think it depends 🤷🏼‍♀️ mom guilt is soooo broad. Ive never felt guilty for having a night away, but I have felt guilty for sitting and watching tv while my toddler is playing alone, or ordering takeaway for us because I can’t be arsed to cook. I think it’s normal to want to do better but realise we have limitations, and that’s where the guilt comes in 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nope not wrong in my eyes, those are a necessity for me I don’t feel mum guilt when I do those but sometimes I feel mum guilt in other areas. They keep me happy, keep me sane. For me doing those have way more benefits to my MH than there is any cons.

I don’t think they understand the severity of mom guilt and how it’s not even just about going out or like not changing a diaper or whatever I was kept up at night beating myself up because I let my son watch screen time so I could wash the floors and wrap Christmas gifts - that’s not normal.

Guilt isn’t always the result of doing something wrong

Honestly I feel this can be semi true but I also think mom guilt can sometimes be unrealistic based on others expectations

I don't feel guilty about anything. I am a working mom, because if I was a SAHM, my husband would have to go work out of state to make enough money to support us. He did that when our daughter was a baby, and we seriously almost got divorced over it. So, I can't tag along on every school field trip or come to every special event or hang out with her during summer break...but I CAN help make sure our family stays okay financially and she has both parents at home every night and on weekends/holidays. As far as taking breaks from your kiddo... remind yourself that you can't pour from an empty cup. Having time to recharge is important, and it's important for you and your spouse to take time together, too. The kid(s) will not live at home forever, and then, it'll just be you and your spouse. If you don't keep that connection alive, what kind of marriage will you have then?

I feel guilty if I don't buy my child a toy every time we go to the store so...😂

I don’t agree at all! I feel mum guilt for going shopping alone or sending my daughter to school when I’m a SAHM. I even felt guilt last night that I hadn’t done “enough” with my daughter even though we had made mini cardboard Christmas trees, gone to a bouncy castle event, played babies, cooked dinner together etc So no I don’t agree at all either!

Bad mums don’t feel guilty. You only ever feel guilt because you care so much.

I think mum guilt is just a sign of how much love we feel for our babies .. we care about them SO much that we punish ourselves by feeling guilty over small things .. I view it positively :) I think as long as we are kind to ourselves and realise that we are doing great, a bit of guilt is just a lovely reminder of how much love we feel xx

The majority of mum guilty is irrational in my opinion and the kind of expectation we’d never put on anyone we care about

I'm sure there are situations where that is true, and I always strive to be better then the day before, but self care is not one of those situations.

@Shirene glad you’re working on it !

@Elizabeth agree!

@Victoria~ I think this is best/simplest way to put it.

@Sarah I have actually said these things before on this app and got my ass ripped up. But I can’t help but think those who don’t think it’s important to also prioritize their spouse probably don’t have a great relationship. And that’s ok and hard! But you can’t fault those who do.

@Grace same 😂

@Dee yup!

@Belle so true