I’m losing my mind.

My baby is 19 months old now. I’ve been a stay at home mom (not by choice) the last 3 months I can’t afford child care, and I have to be working to get assistance to help cover it and I have no one I trust to watch her. Family isn’t an option like they literally won’t change her diaper. I commend mothers who can be stay at home moms but the redundancy, and now she has temper tantrums and hits me and even broke my glasses today. I express all of this to her dad in numerous of ways and he could respond helpfully but every time he’s off hehe doesn’t physically do anything to match the words and help me. And if I say something it’s like I’m arguing or he responds defensively as if I’m saying he doesn’t care for her. Keep in mind he’s only been working 4 almost 5 months and she’s almost 2. He left his job the day I got induced and never returned and quit the job he got after because he was too tired to go. So when she turned 3 months I returned to work and got a second job and I cared for us both fully financially no wic or anything. Now that he’s working he manages money poorly I’ve been telling him to order her Christmas items for months and she has nothing but the 4 item I got her. I’m so touched out and I don’t want to take it out on her, I have bad insomnia nd I haven’t slept for days!!! The most sleep I’ve gotten is an hour and 32 minutes this week. I feel myself raging on the inside and I’m constantly asking for help, and he said yes that’s fine when I’m off I’ll get her. He’s only off tomorrow and picked up a shift. The thoughts I’ve had made me feel like the worst person ever because I don’t want to do this anymore. I have pretty much zero friends because all I’ve done sick giving birth is work and be a mom. I haven’t done a single thing for myself because I can never get any time to do anything alone. My sister was the only person who actually helped me and she moved out of state I’m so proud of her but I miss her so much because I didn’t realize how much I actually needed her because I’m pretty much in it alone now

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just a note why aren’t you sleeping? is she struggling at nights or is this your own issue, the biggest cause of everything your feeling with will 100% be the lack of self care,sleep and your own time you not a bad parent you just need your bd to pull his weight and you need some time to yourself if your child is struggling with routine best way i found was waking up at 8 every morning even if he went to bed at 4am he’s up at 8 and now his body clock wakes him and nights are a lot more manageable! (first week was torture) also find some play groups you can attend with little one so your not stuck in the house all day have a daily walk, it sounds like you need a good 2 day sleep a long bath and some alone time to reboot speak to your partner go see your sister for a weekend away he can manage and if he can’t maybe you’ll come back to more support and understanding🩷 you are not a bad mum sounds like he’s being bad partner and you have a shitty support system

I think the first couple of years is the hardest Especially when you don’t have help You really do need to open up to trusting someone. Day cares are the best because they help regulate you’re child’s emotions as they see how other kids act and respond (sometimes good 😇 , sometimes bad 😪) But ultimately it gives you time ( knowing they are being cared for so you can take care of you) and it allows your child to expend her energy with others who can match her energy!! She is probably acting out because you don’t have time to be with her. (Not your fault, but they are complicated tiny humans who cannot express themselves ) Anywho, consider it. You will not regret it

I totally wish I could help you I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry your going through this. I’m also a stay at home mum but would love to go back to work even 1 day a week just to feel like I’m a person again, we can’t afford the childcare even tho we get funding it would still take so much we don’t have. I’m so stressed all the time and feel like I could be a better mum with more help and support xx

@Lillie I ask repeatedly, and i suffer from insomnia, depression, and anxiety and it’s just been overwhelming the past few weeks because she’s pretty advanced for her age so she constantly says what she wants and doesn’t want which I love but when i say non stop she will literally say mama and want nothing for up to an hour and a half. Ignoring it or asking her to stop or redirecting her doesnt work anymore. Plus the routines we have get disrupted because when he has her he does everything his way in his own timing, and I’m stuck the remainder of the week rebalancing it all. And unless he off the entire day I get zero help even when he’s here he’ll say something but do nothing. She wakes up at 7am nap at 2pm bath at 8 and then she’s sleep by 10 but because of the inconsistency she’s just in and out of sleep and Ik the tantrums and acting out may be coming from that. But it’s hard when I fix it just to have it undone

@Bianca yes I want her to go to daycare but after moving and him working overnight and I no longer have a car so we can’t afford it until I start working again. His only solution is him getting another job but he’s been managing money poorly so it’s just digging in the same hole. I don’t qualify for caps without being employed. And I’m with her 24/7 now. And there’s no way for me to trust my family they are the type of people that hide/allow inappropriate things happening to little girls and I won’t let her fall victim in that cycle. I’d never forgive myself if someone did something to her. As well as they disregard my parenting I don’t hit my child at all or yell at her and they always threaten to whoop her over saying no for trying to force her to hug and kiss and stuff when she doesn’t want to etc. I’d prefer her go to daycare tho 100000%

@Layla yea I cried after posting this. I’m generally not someone who asks for help but I’ve been vocalizing and asking for months on end. I don’t understand why they make it improbably to share just to not care. I haven’t seen any of my friends or have done anything without her since I’ve given birth so almost 2 years now.

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