What is the right way to teach this?

You are absolutely right to pick up on this. Research shows that even toddlers pick up racialised messages from TV and what they see around them etc , even when their parents don't mean them to I've never experienced this exact situation so others can suggest better/there's online guidance but... After you validate that pushing isn't okay, AND as a learning moment and not a reprimand, also address in child appropriate ways that skin colour doesn't influence personality or behaviour. If it was possibly said out of bias/ misunderstanding say : I'm sorry you were hurt. I noticed you said the black kid hurt you. Do you think the kid hit you because of their skin colour? People make choices based on lots of things, but skin colour isn't one of them. Skin colour isn't a helpful detail. (And perhaps also...) do you think you would have said white kid.

I’m not fully sure what to teach instead but he might not know how else to describe him. Maybe by the color of his shirt or something. But kids just say what they see so they say the color of someone’s skin because it’s easy

@Mas my family and my son have a very diverse group of friends and so we have discussed differences in how some of our friends look even how different we look in our family. I know he didn’t have any poor intentions behind what he said. I had asked this same question to my friend and she got upset and asked me what was wrong with the kid being black and said “black kid” isn’t a bad word. And all that I agree with but in the context of pairing the kids negative action doesn’t sit right with me. Then it really got me thinking maybe she was right and I’m thinking about this wrong?

It's good to see things from different angles. I can't definitively state the meaning. I accept there wasn't bad intent, but this can also be true along with it stemming from a subconscious misunderstanding learned beyond the teachings of a family unit. Every one of has to deal with this, whether it's how we subconsciously think about disabled people, women. We can't really avoid it but it's useful getting feedback we can learn from. Unfortunately, him saying that can be a dog whistle for the wrong person within hearing distance. And it's usually the case that other markers used to distinguish a white kid - clothing namely - aren't used for black kids. It sounds like something didn't sit right when you heard it, and I'd go with that. And I understand it's got nothing to do with who your son is, just the world he lives in. But like I said validate it wasn't okay to be pushed. Rehearse saying what the issue with black kid is till it feels comfortable, then say it. Keep it straightforward;

you're modelling how to respond which is something he'll need to refer to so he has the knowledge and language to do it on his own later in life I realise I'm moving away from what you're talking about (sorry!), but when he's older and hears something not quite right himself, he can know how to respond. If he hears something problematic presented as a joke, for example, he can respond with: "Sorry, I don't get the joke. Can you explain it to me?" Something that gently challenges and de-weaponises problematic language/ways of addressing others.

If he would say “a white kid pushed me” then that’s fine. But if he’s seeing white as default and other skin colours as other, that’s a problem in my opinion.

I definitely agree that there is nothing wrong with saying someone is black, but so many times kids may associate someone’s race with a certain action. My young cousin once told me some kids who happened to be black were bullying him, and said later “I don’t like black people.” So I had a talk and said that it sucks to be bullied but that their race has nothing to do with it, and people are all different and tried to turn it into a teaching moment. Then I talked to his mom so she could continue to monitor it. I think you’re on the right track. It’s so easy to turn a blind eye but if something doesn’t feel right, it’s good to address it now. And no kid/person is perfect, and I definitely don’t judge. ❤️