The judgement panel

A few years back, I sent my MIL a sweet photo of my dog and newborn chilling on the couch with me. Two days later, she responded with, “I’m having lunch with a group of mothers who all agree that dog will kill the baby.” It was perfect timing, as I was already in the middle of my nightly ritual of lying awake with postpartum anxiety, convinced my baby might stop breathing and we’d just found out our other dog had terminal cancer, so, you know, the vibes were immaculate. It wasn’t just what she said, it was how she said it. By dragging in a group of mothers to back her opinion, it felt like a full on judgement panel had been convened against me. It wasn’t just concern, it was a public declaration that I wasn’t doing enough, that I wasn’t safe enough, and she needed backup to prove her point. In a moment when I was already vulnerable and doing my best, it crushed me. My partner and I were so overwhelmed with life her message was never addressed. Fast forward to now, every time she makes a judgment or gives unsolicited advice in regard to my son I get transported right back to that moment. instant rage. It’s not healthy for me to keep carrying this resentment, but I don’t know how I can let go of it. I feel like the only way forward is to let her know how much she hurt me but this feels ridiculous after 4 years?

Show your support

It’s not ridiculous after 4 years.

Address it. If it’s bothered you for 4 years, it is not rediculous xx

Absolute asshole of a person. It is completely valid you still feel this way. She: dismissed your parenting, attacked you whilst also letting you know other mothers were also attacking you, and belittled you. All during such a crucial, important time. Well done for not responding to her, I would’ve lost my mind. She seems like the epitome of toxic MIL’s. I’d recommend writing down how you feel, let it all out, and slowly cut it down, short, take out as much emotion as possible, make your feelings on her behaviour universal rather than focus on that one incident; then one day, express it to her in response to her next bs comment.

It’s not ridiculous, address it, and point out anything that she has done wrong that can be criticised and then say “but I was polite enough to not belittle you about it “. Explain just because she’s a mother doesn’t mean she is qualified to pass judgement, and instead she could try being supportive and offer words of encouragement.

From experience, addressing it and letting her know how much she hurt you will help you get it off your chest for sure. Buttttt it will hurt more in the moment because she won’t take accountability and possibly will play victim (mind did). I do however feel the resentment is no longer taking over my thoughts because it’s all out there. Try to stay calm while doing it, I wish I was more composed 😆Sending you love ❤️

I totally get it. Correct me if I am wrong but the issue here is she has betrayed your trust. She lagged you and your parenting off to a group of strangers and then weaponised their responses against you. The issue is not necessarily forgiving her but not ever being able to trust her again because now you know this is something she does. It's awful and the anxiety of what she might say next really eats you up x

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