Preteen girl driving me crazy

Omg I’m sorry you’re going through this. I fear my daughter is going to be like this eventually. Are you firm with her with consequences for her actions? I’m not saying spanking, but I feel like she doesn’t respect you at all or there’s something wrong. Which is an overall issue with teens (even I was) cause of everything they are going through. (Tom, school, boys.) have you talk about what could be the issue? She doing ok at school? Friends? Perhaps lashing out cause another issue?

Take everything she likes away phone tv console etc n then ignore her when she’s rude

@Taylor She says she has problems. Then says she sounds. Says she can’t speak to me and won’t. She has friends at school now but had issues previous years. Tells me I just make her angry for no other reason. I’ve tried several approaches to speaking with her and everyone is wrong. Even when she is happily telling me a story’s about school and I agree with her, that also makes her angry. Only way she is happy is if she gets to do what she wants and I don’t speak with her. I do stick with the grounding. I have ways she can work getting of grounding which she will do but it regresses quickly to the same behaviour.

My daughter was like this, and it was a complete nightmare. Puberty is a hell of a thing. She knew exactly what button to push and she would push them all,,,, at once. The only thing I can recommend that I didn’t do because it was just easier to say “screw it” and walk away was be FIRM on punishment. I wish I did this with her, because it works on my son who is 12 and going through the same thing. Disrespectful? Take the phone no questions asked. Rude? Take the tv. Talks back? Take the charging cords or turn off the wifi. Start at a day, tell her it’s gone for the day, if she does it again it’s a week, then two weeks, then three and then ultimately gone.

@Alyson Yes. My daughter knows which ones to press as well. She insists that I need to accept her for who she is. She says everything I say just pisses her off. She has a belief that I was threatening to drug her as a kid. When she was about 8ish she was getting anxiety. I got counselling for her but she didn’t want to do it. She just wanted meds because that way she said she didn’t have to do anything. I told her to try counselling first. Meds were a second step as when I took them they made me feel numb. Her memory is I just yelled at her telling her I’d give her meds to numb all her feelings. Which isn’t what happened but she swears by it. She says I hate her and never wanted her as well. But won’t tell me anything but that med thing. She is still grounded from yesterday and that’s not coming off. You can’t come and rudely demand to be taking off grounding. I was tired of her attitude so I went out.

I was TERRIBLE to my mother when I was her age and all through my teens, while I was an angel to my daddy. The reason I treated my mom the way I did was cause I had PTSD and didn’t know how to deal with it and on top of that I had “mommy issues.” See I never felt loved by my mom. She would only point out my wrong doings and never praised me for good things I did, so naturally, I took to doing bad things for attention. Plus she rarely told me she loved me or gave me affection for which I became very resentful. I even started sleeping with men for validation. I’m not saying you’re ANYTHING like my mother was, I’m just saying why I acted the way I did towards MY mom. I will say there prolly is something going on with her emotionally though. Hopefully not to the extent of PTSD like I had/have. I would def try talking to her and asking what’s going on with her emotions and possibly try to get her in with a psychiatrist. Sounds like my cries for help when I was her age. Best of luck to you.

@Michele I feel like ‘certain’ mental health diagnosis’ are so hard when it comes to teens. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar when I was 16! In all reality I was just a rebellious hormonal teen whose mom didn’t give a shit, worked overnights and dad wasn’t around. Be careful with that because to this day that’s on my record. And good luck trying to talk any doctor out of that. 😒 Thank god they did not give me meds at that age, thanks to my counselor who was the only one with sense around me to advocate for me, because for all I knew something was wrong with me and I needed the meds. Counseling is a great step, but I do think this is an extremely normal and hormonal girl going through puberty not able to regulate her emotions taking it out on you the disciplinarian. Stay strong, stay firm. The second she realizes she can’t get away with the crap you’ll start to see a slow change. It took almost 2 years for me, and now it’s restarted with my son who is two years younger than my daughter.

Also- stop including her in things. I literally told my kids I do not want to be around you with the way you are acting. That’s not someone I want to spend my time with so no, you’re not getting ur nails done with me, no I’m not taking you to target, etc until you learn how to act. No starbies, no chik fil a. Nope.

Her father isn’t around and never has been. She blames me for having her and takes her anger toward him out on Me because I am present. She claims I didn’t want her because what woman would have a child with a father like him. So there is that trauma. I stayed home with her until she was in school. Then I worked part time while she was in school only. Everything was fine with us until she was almost 12. She would come home and tell me stuff about school that went bad. She had her moments but it wasn’t constant. Now it’s constant Attitude. Everything I do is wrong and I need to just be nice. Even when she’s not because that’s just her. If I tell her that her actions have hurt me then she flips out saying “see. This is why I saw nothing. Your telling me I’m not allowed to be upset” I try telling her that me being hurt does not dismiss her feelings but she says it does.

@Alyson I’ve been doing this as well. But it’s kinda a win for her as she does not want to be around me. Even if she is getting some thing out of it. She tells me she over thinks a lot and that’s why she is mad but won’t tell me what. It’s easier to be mad at me than to talk and fix it.

I got an almost 11 year old and I’m dealing with similar shit. It has been so hard! I’m here if you wanna talk!

@Kelsey Thank you.

I highly recommend having her talk with a therapist she won’t want to but it is amazing. Gives them a safe space. My daughter is ODD and it had saved our life over and over again.

Make going ok and normal. No need for her to share with other people that she goes unless she wants to.

Hi, I kinda was like that. There’s a book my mom never found until after I moved out, but I think it could be immensely helpful maybe. It’s called “the declarative language handbook” super very helpful for handling teens with rage or anger issues. My issues came from the fact that I was undiagnosed, when I really had autism with a pda profile.

@Parker 又 we are going through getting her checked for adhd. So I think that adds to it. Hormones, her father’s absence and a recent dumb move by him. I’ll look into that book. Thanks so much!

@Angela she is seeing someone at school right now. The school offers counselling to any kid that wants it. So that’s good. It’s so expensive to have one outside. 150-300 a visit.

Of course!! PDA profiles can show up along side any neurodivergence not just autism so it’s definitely also worth looking into! When I was a lot younger I had an odd diagnosis but that really was always the pda in me lol

@Michele oh wow tat is expensive. Our insurance is just our copay and they pay 💯. Hopefully she can get somewhere and make it better for you all

@Kara yeh! So odd and pda aren’t far off from eachother in the way they present the differences are in the fact that pda is involuntary, where as odd stems from a choice. PDA stands for pathological demand avoidance also known as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy! https://neurodivergentinsights.com/autism-infographics/autism-pda-explained?format=amp

The panda approach helps a lot of families with young PDAers! https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/i-am-a-parent-carer/resources/helpful-approaches-for-children/

@Kara This dudes instagram is also full of super helpful tips & info (: https://www.instagram.com/speechdude?igsh=N2JlaHo1a3V5bWNz