Needing some mom love.

I was raised Pentecostal & had a very strict, conservative childhood. When I was 18, my mother was diagnosed as bipolar. She would start arguments & throw things at us. On my 18th birthday, she told me I brought demons into her house. I left everything and walked out through the front door. My dad & siblings were screaming my name as I walked down the street but my mom wouldn’t let them come get me because she wanted to make a point that she didn’t need me. As I was gone from the house, I couch hopped and made some terrible decisions. My boyfriend of 2 years and I had finally slept together. I got my own apartment. Then he left me. My aunt passed away suddenly. I spiraled and slept with a few more people after that. I was depressed. Never left my room. It took everything in me not to take my own life. Then a business opportunity was presented to me and I had to decide if I wanted to pick myself up and give my life back to God or keep digging myself a hole in which I’d eventually die in. So I picked myself up and started my business. I was severely depressed for months but as I worked on my business, I worked on my relationship with Christ & eventually, I was happy again. I attended a new church and felt content in my life. I met my now husband a year into my business & I knew instantly that I loved him. He would pull back a lot so I stood by until he was ready to accept me. Then he proposed and the wedding planning process was hell. My parents were happy I was marrying an acceptable man so my entire wedding was planned for me. I cried and begged to my husband for months to stand up for me but he said he didn’t want to embarrass himself as so many people were supporting what was happening. One day I got so tired of it, I asked his parents over for coffee and shared my dream wedding and how I could afford to pay for it & I didn’t want my parents involved as I have no relationship with them. They pretended to support me then had a secret meeting with my mom to tell them how I was looking at other venues. They said they needed to respect my parents. I had a wedding with people I didn’t know, a dress I didn’t choose, cakes that I didn’t even like, & a groom who cared more about everyone but me. Fast forward to a few months into our marriage, my husband got drunk and yelled at me that he prayed for his wife and stayed a virgin for her & then he was given me. I apologized and said it was a very sensitive topic for me because I regret all of it but I’ve repented and given my life back to God. Since then, there’s been little jabs. He makes comments every time we have sex “Is this special? Or just like every other guy?” “Do this even mean anything to you?” “Have you ever done this with other guys?” And when I tell him that these comments hurt me and I am not that person anymore & to please stop punishing me for something that I regret more than anything, he says he has a right to question me everytime he feels a way. I was so hurt once from him saying he prayed for his future wife and he can’t believe that he was given me, I said no when he wanted to have sex and he went into the bathroom and watched porn. He told me the next day & it broke my heart. We argue continuously about my past & I beg him to let it go. We just had a baby girl & the other day, my husband had a colonoscopy so I was sitting in the waiting room with my sister and the nurse came out to ask about when the last time he took the laxative and when he last ate. He wrote it all down in his notes so I went on his phone and I saw a note mentioned my name. He wrote notes about me. “i waited for her and prayed for her. now wtf, my prayers didn't work.” “She’s disgusting 🤮 “ “i prayed for her every day. now she probably compares my dick with the rest of the men's dicks and she came in my life with a past. thanks, now i have to live with her for the rest of my life..” “I just understood this now, following the wife God has for you is important. To choose the one not only for you but for your children. Your wife will be with your children 24/7 as you are at work..” “You're not supposed to have men touch your bras but she didn't care.” I was heartbroken. But he said he was drunk when he wrote it so I forgave him. Today, I bought lingerie because I’ve been feeling extremely self conscious in my post partum body, when I sent him a picture and said I wanted to spend some time alone tonight. He asked me if I had worn that with any of my past guys. My mood was shot down because he keeps bringing it up and making me feel like I am not worthy enough to be his wife. He’s been ignoring me all day. We’re on Life360 together and it notified me he got home and then he left but I couldn’t see his location at all. I messaged him if he was okay because I got notified he got home & left and now I can’t see his location. All he replied with was “I’m okay”. Then I said I’m worried because all he said was I’m okay. He never replied. Then he got home and the baby was crying and I asked if he could watch her for a few minutes as I needed to complete some paperwork for work. He put her down in his gaming room as he was playing video games and she was screaming. I went in there and took her and he yelled at me that we need to teach our 3 month old to not cry by letting her scream until she stops. I was really upset because she’s only 3 months, she doesn’t know how to self soothe yet. If you take 3 minutes to rock her, she’ll fall asleep and nap for hours but letting her cry it out, she’ll go for an hour. I asked him if he could please just rock her and he can put her down when she’s asleep. He grabbed her from my arms and I told him that I understand he feels a certain way but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. He said he had a right to ask if I wore that lingerie with anyone else and me getting hurt shows that I did and now he doesn’t want it. He rushed upstairs with her as she was screaming and I told him to please give me her and I’ll put her to sleep. He pushed me 4 times so hard and now I’m sobbing because I just want to be gone. I don’t want to feel like I shouldn’t even be alive. If you read all of this, thank you. I just needed to get my feelings out.