In Laws

Hello, I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with my third child (I had twins as my first pregnancy). With the twins my in laws were uncomfortably involved and came over to the hospital when I did not want them too and never gave me privacy for breastfeeding and talked openly about it with my nanny in mandarin (both the in laws and nanny spoke fluent Chinese). Long story short I am doing things differ this time around and would like to have more of a special relationship with my newborn without external interference. When do y’all think is an appropriate time/ place for my in-laws to see the newborn? I am not comfortable being vulnerable with my in-laws and would like to respect my space and their role as grandparents at the same time. I would not like them to visit me or my baby in the hospital, is that too much of a boundary? I also would like to not have them visit for as long as possible… so when is a good time to visit? Additionally, I do not want other people to take photos of the baby, even my family. I would like to be the one who keeps the photos at first because with the twins I wanted to have WAY more privacy but pictures of the twins ended up on social media within ONE DAY (even though I asked no one to post until otherwise decided). How long should I wait for others to take photos? Is this being too protective? I honestly just want to keep it special and just my husband and I and the twins. It doesn’t have to be forever, but I would like to keep it private. 1. How long should I wait for the in-laws to see the baby? 2. Is it appropriate to ask people not to take photos on their phone (I will take tons of pics for them and share them) 3. If I keep the photos, how long should I wait to share and open up to the family and public? Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and help me out with any kind of advice. I’m not trying to be exclusive but I want to keep this special and no one respected the boundaries with the twins and I kept my mouth shut about it, since once it was done it could not be undone and was not worth the struggle after the fact.

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I told my in laws that I wasn’t comfortable with them being there immediately after my first and they came at the 3.5 week mark and it was perfect. I had breastfeeding down by then and was a little more open to their help. I’d say ask them to wait a month and only to come sooner if their job is just to help with the twins and to give you your time with the newest addition.

I’ve leaned on doctors advice here - our doctor suggested to minimise visitors for the first 4-6 weeks so we have told relatives we will not have visitors for the first month. I’m a FTM so will have to wait and see how that goes, but am in a similar space - I wouldn’t be comfortable being vulnerable around the in laws so setting that boundary now to pay it forward for my postpartum self ☺️

Hi Melyssa! I’m really sorry to hear your experience with your in-laws has been unpleasant. I’ve been thinking about how I want my postpartum time to be and your situation definitely feels like it wasn’t on your terms. I’m from a Chinese family and wanted to offer my two cents: what is your relationship with your in-laws in general? Do you think they were being intentionally unkind and overstepping to make your life hard? I’m wondering if this is an unfortunate cultural difference. In Chinese culture, the mothers and MILs are very present and involved postpartum, so perhaps their expectations and yours clashed when you had your twins. Anyway, I hope you’ll be able to communicate with your family and come to and understanding so that your upcoming birth and postpartum time will be on your terms 🫶