Struggling

This is going to be a long one.
I am 19. I have been wanting to get back into therapy I feel like I really need it bad now. I am 7 months pp and I feel like I’m drowning sometimes. I can’t control myself anymore, especially with my boyfriend I feel so bad but sometimes it’s like a switch we could be doing fine and one little thing could set me off for example we could go to bed and be perfectly fine and in the morning I’m a complete b!tch, I’m crying, I feel empty, I feel like he doesn’t care (he’s amazing fr) and I don’t know what to do. We could be having an amazing time together and all the sudden I just feel sad. This has been an issue way before I had my baby but it’s never been like this. I can’t control myself anger sometimes (I would never EVER hurt my baby just to clarify this has nothing to do with him) but when my boyfriend is home and I get like this maybe overstimulated? I literally feel it through my whole body like I want to scream I usually leave the room and I cry and throw one or two things and just break down. When my son is whining when I know there’s nothing wrong I get upset and tell him to stoppppp and I feel so bad because I know he’s not doing anything wrong and I try so so soooo hard to keep myself calm around him because I don’t want him to be mentally effected by me. I get waves of sever anxiety like someone is going to break in (we are alone from 12:30pm-9:30pm sometimes 12am) or I just feel anxious for no reason or especially when my son cries I get very anxious. I just want to stop being like this my boyfriend handles it well but I’m so scared one day it’s going to be too much for him. It causes (I cause) a lot of not fights but arguments I would say. I try so hard and he helps me so much with the baby but sometimes it feels like he doesn’t help at all when I have these episodes. I feel like I’m alone, and doing everything myself but in reality I’m not. I haven’t told anyone this before because I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes and I don’t want anyone to think I’m unsafe for my son because I would never even scream at him I love him so much. If I didn’t have a baby I probably would not be where I am today.
If you read all of that thank you for listening and please leave advise or if anyone is going through this leave a message. Thank you❤️

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thank you❤️

I don’t know anything about your background, but do you have a history of childhood trauma? I used to have similar issues and they stemmed from childhood trauma. When I saw a trauma-specific therapist and got treatment called EMDR these issues drastically improved. Might be worth looking into!

I do. I will definitely look into that. My mom has bpd though do you know if that can that be passed down?

Post partum js a very real thing. Go chat with your OB. He/she can help.
I still get waves and I’m 22 months pp. The smallest things will set me off due to things like isolation and overstimulation -etc etc.
Motherhood is the biggest job on earth. Your hormones run wild months, even years after birth. You’re not crazy. You’re just a new mom going through the motions. Try to give yourself some grace. It does get better/easier! Sending love

My mom has BPD as well and that’s where a lot of the trauma I was exposed to came from. From what you’re describing you seem to be getting triggered a lot and because you haven’t processed the childhood trauma through something like EMDR, you’re not able to cope with certain life stressors in a healthy way. I can’t say for sure as I’m not a professional but would urge you to get trauma therapy. It is drastically more helpful than typical therapy in my experience. My life and relationships were extremely chaotic beforehand and now I can cope without getting dysregulated. Try to find someone who’s certified in EMDR and has a good amount of experience with it. If you live in Illinois I have a good referral but she only takes illinois clients.

This website has a directory of certified therapists and is where I found mine: https://www.emdria.org

Hey I don't know how or why but I'm honestly the exact same way I'm also 19 (July) and I had my baby on may 30th. I literally thought I was the only one especially being 19 and not married I feel that. I live with my boyfriend and his family but I also feel like I'm always touched out or over stimulated. I also have extreme seperation anxiety with the baby. When I have those episodes too or when my baby just cries my boyfriend is off doing something else and I feel like he's just free to go do whatever and not have to worry about anything and I'm so jealous and upset about that because of I bring it up he gets mad. But I still love him. If you want to talk more or want my support let me know if love to have support too especially since we're in a similar situation. We need all the support we can get and I too feel like I'm alone and most of the time helpless or not sure who to go to for help.

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I'm open to anything else to start teaching him to read and write. He's 3!

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Been together more than 10 years, but it's been a while since he even seemed remotely interested in me getting on my knees, or vice versa so to speak. I think it was once last year. Must be something I am doing wrong 🤔. Generally everything else in that department is great and we have two young kids with no extra support, so it's quite surprising we can't keep our hands off each other but may need to try new things. It's basically 2 positions each time with some foreplay.

I think Motherhood has made me more bitter than I realized…

This is such a ramble but I don’t know where else to put it all.

I’m four months in and I don’t really have hobbies right now. I don’t do anything for myself except maybe doomscrolling or listening to a podcast while I breastfeed my baby. I used to craft and have game nights with friends. Activities that usually are at least 2 hour stretches. Now if I have an hour free my mind immediately goes to baby, or doing something in the house for baby.

And I thought I didn’t mind. Like I knew postpartum could be very mentally consuming. But I think it’s altering how I view people around me and it’s prodding at my relationship with my husband.

He spends most of his time making food for us, looking after our dogs, playing with the baby, ect. But he still has time for his hobby. Spends maybe an hour a night on it. Even adapted to using a bot for shopping for his hobby after a certain incident where we had to have a heart to heart after he left me home alone with the baby for hours during a busy workday (I work from home) to shop for his hobby.

And yet there’s like this little green eyed monster in me that rages every time I know he’s running off to start up the bot. Even though I’m the reason he does it this way.

We took a family trip last weekend to see his best friend and their kids and let them meet the baby. He brought the laptop. He’s always brought a laptop on trips and it’s never been a problem to me before. But one night we both woke up while the baby was still asleep, and he wandered out of the room. I tried to fall back asleep but couldn’t. So I went to the kitchen to try having something warm to drink to settle me. And he was there at the table running the bot from his laptop. I flipped out at him. But there really wasn’t reason to. It’s not like I needed help with the baby and he was ignoring me. He wasn’t avoiding our friends. He was just awake and unable to sleep and found something to do with his time. Yet my snap reaction was “why the hell would you do this on a family trip?”

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the less complete sleep from baby’s middle of the night feed? My brain being just consumed by baby? Maybe I’m not as over that shopping incident as I thought? But I’m just so annoyed at his hobby right now. The green eyed monster thinks “you could be using that time differently” but realistically to do what exactly??? Stare at our baby in the dark???

I spent probably an hour apologizing to him after I snapped. And he’s of course hurt and frustrated because I said some very mean things in the moment.

I don’t want to be this jealous, angry person. But I also don’t know how to find time for myself in this right now outside of basic hygiene. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be myself, even if just for an hour.

Maybe I need a therapist.

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