It's been over a year....

Hi! Fellow NICU mamma here too! My son had a 30 days stay, it was incredibly difficult. I still very much think about those times (not often, I try not to) and I become very emotional. There is definitely some sort of trauma. My husband tells me it’s okay, he’s happy and healthy but a part of me changed during those times. I grieved for the experience I wish I had, I was angry at my body, and felt so sad for my son. He’s turning 3 next month and he’s beautiful, smart, funny, and so kind. You’d never know he was a preemie- but it very much still hurts! I think to some degree it always will. You’re not alone!

Wow, that's literally everything I have felt/been feeling. I think I'm still in that grieving phase. I still often times think about it and it makes me super sad. I am so happy to hear about your beautiful boy! Happy early birthday to him! 🎉 Thank you for this. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this. ❤️ May I ask if you have tried to have another one after him? I know I want at least one more but am so traumatized by the experience of my first, that I'm scared to try. On top of it, I already have guilt thinking about having a better experience with my second one because I didn't get that with my son.

I was blessed that both of my kids' NICU stays were shorter, but both were preemie. I was heartbroken that I couldn't do skin to skin right away, felt guilty that they both struggled to breathe or eat, and had to have so many tests run. They're both healthy now, but it was a tough experience. You're not alone, and you're doing a great job.

@Anyssa You’re absolutely not alone! I remember sitting in the waiting room to visit him in the NICU and seeing other moms holding their newborns, heading to go home and I was so angry. I felt like my guy has to work harder and fight harder than most babies and it destroyed me. I don’t think people realize how traumatizing the experience can be and how HARD the NICU is. I’ll never forget sitting, watching my son (because you know that can’t be touched unless it’s feeding time) and seeing a group of doctors surrounding this baby - and the main doctor said “let’s just pray she makes it through the night.” I hysterically cried and left the room to give everyone privacy. The NICU sounds, the beeps, the machines, I hear them to this day and it gives me chills! You have every right to feel trauma and sad for a LONG time while still embracing and feeling gratitude that you’re little one made it. ♥️

@Anyssa Part 2… sorry! lol! Most of the doctors told me that I’d most likely have another preemie and it could be even more premature than my son and that terrified me. I met another mom in the NICU and she said that was her second preemie (though she looked so confident that everything would be okay!) So while I think it would be so hard, I think experience and confidence would play a different role the second time. I’d visit the doctor more often, I’d be considered high risk and they’d most likely give steroids or medication throughout the pregnancy! I think I’d be looked at closely and that would make me feel more at ease. But anything can happen! And I pray you find peace either way! 💕

@Emily Yes! All I wanted to do was hold my baby and take him home but I obviously knew that was the best place for him. Thank you so much! So are you mama! ❤️

@Britt I would feel the same way! I felt all the emotions seeing healthy babies go home right away. It destroyed me to walk out of that hospital every night knowing that he wasn't going to come home with me. YES! I honestly had no idea what a NICU was until I had my son. I always thought to myself, like wow this is a world that a lot of people don't know about or understand. My fiancee and I talk about the noises to this day. It haunts us! I vividly remember every time an alarm would sound. My heart would drop every single time. The one good thing that I took away from our time at the NICU was all the knowledge we gained. We learned so much on how to take care of our baby that although highly anxious, I felt somewhat prepared to leave with him when it was time. It's such a mental battle. It's hard for me to think about going through that with another child at home. But, having a positive outlook and getting reassurance is definitely helpful in easing my mind about it.

@Britt Thank you so much for sharing! It has been so helpful to see that I'm not alone in this. ❤️

I’m so glad I came across this post and responses. Anytime I bring up the nicu trauma other people just don’t get it. They tell me “it could’ve been worse, at least he is healthy.” While those things are true the whole process was so difficult that I still get anxiety when talking about it. It just invalidates my feelings. I don’t know what needs to happen to let it go. He is about to be 2 already. I was robbed of so much. I didn’t even get to touch him or meet him until he was already 2 days old. In that time they had bathed him, did who knows how many diaper changes. All of those firsts stolen from me.

Wow, I can very much relate, and my son is 15 years old now. My son wasn't s premature, so sorry if I'm over stepping he was born, not breathing, and then the second day became very sick (and s life-long diagnosis). 15 days later, he was able to come home so a shorter stay, but it still plays with me. i still think about everything he went through. Many doctors or more so my sons doctors have suggested I may have ptsd i was diagnosed with depression when my son was like 18 months old as I was in denial about that. Now my son is much older. i am handling it all better now when teachers/therapists/doctors ask about his birth/diagnosis. i could hardly talk and just cry my eyes out. Thankfully, everyone understood, and I am getting better now. I'm in a much better mental health state now. Take care.

@Danielle I totally understand how you feel! Your feelings are so valid! I too am unsure how to get through these big feelings regarding our NICU stay. I do feel that talking about it like we are with mamas who have also gone through it can help us on the path of healing. It's so hard when we have this vision of how we want our labor to go and it goes completely out the window. Just know you're not alone mama! ❤️

@Meg Oh my goodness please don't apologize. You're not overstepping at all! I can only imagine the trauma of that. In these situations, we go in fight or flight mode and obviously we have the mom instinct to jump in and be there and protect our babies that we forget about ourselves. It's so difficult to get out of that mental state, especially when we see our babies going through so much in their first days of life on top of being feshly postpartum and healing. I'm happy to hear that you are in a much better place! There's always space here for you! We're all in this together. Thank you for sharing your story. It truly has helped me feel not alone. ❤️

Hi mama ! Please message me. My baby had a very traumatic labor, long story. She had a 81 day stay in the NICU & I was fine up until she came home & then I dealt with it slowly.

My 28 weeker turned 2 last week. He is doing amazing. As much as I’ve tried I block out his nicu stay. It was a shorter stay than doctors had projected 64 days and he came home before his due date. But it was rough. My husband and I were both active duty military and he was deployed. So I was alone in a fairly new unit having and emergency c section right in the middle of a blizzard before the holidays. We did end up pregnant when he was 9mo old and thankfully she stayed in until her due date but hearing that she wasn’t doing well and I’d have to have another c section sent me spiraling and her delivery was worst than my sons. But they are here and healthy. But it’s definitely a mental block for me. I don’t talk about it much cause people really don’t understand and make insensitive comments

@Samantha 🤍 Messaged you mama! I hope to hear more of your story. I'm so sorry for what you went through. You are so strong! ❤️

@Khyia Oh my goodness! You went through so much. You are so strong! I think that's what I dealt with for a long time, the mental block. Everything that happened felt like a blurred memory. Nothing was clear. Slowly, my memory is starting to become more clear and I am able to remember more about that difficult time. I am here for you mama and I totally understand what you went through. Your feelings are so valid! ❤️ I am so happy to hear that your babies are healthy.

Reading these made me so emotional. Currently holding baby girl in my arms as she sleeps. Had her at 30 weeks and her NiCU stay was about 1.5 months. She’s a happy healthy feisty baby girl. I feel so blessed but think about our journey together frequently. The whole thing changed me and I always feel that someone who hasn’t gone through it will never understand the pain. Truly, you are all incredible.