Pregnancy & postpartum has completely changed how I view my husband - not in a good way. Need advice. Long read.

I’ll start from the beginning. During pregnancy, I was extremely ill with HG for the first 4-5 months. I was bed ridden for a lot of the time and felt like a zombie. During this time it was really hard for my partner to understand how ill I actually was and what I was experiencing. He often made comments about how I didn’t get housework done and that I was being lazy. He once made a comment about me not being the first woman in the world to be pregnant and that I need to figure it out. This nearly caused me to walk away from the relationship but ultimately I stayed because of our child. We moved on and me being type A, had everything organized for the baby and informed myself of everything I could to be prepared for our son. He never took interest in helping me build any of the furniture or assemble anything. He’d say he wants to know more about certain topics pertaining to the baby but would not read anything I sent him. He’d say to just read it myself and give him the summary. Whenever I’d try to have conversations about parenting styles or how we would handle routines, etc. he’d say we can just figure out in the moment. I ended up just doing it all myself and informing myself and did things how I wanted since he gave no input. Fast forward to pp. I had a very difficult delivery and we nearly lost our baby. We spent the first week in the hospital with our baby in the NICU. I was a mess but he finally stepped up with making more decisions and interest in things to do with the baby. He was a huge support to my physical recovery and I am very grateful but I found that he was very closed off emotionally. I was fresh pp after a traumatic delivery and crying all the time which makes him uncomfortable. It was days before he hugged me and provided some emotional support. My mom was also with us though so idk if maybe that’s why he was acting that way. My mom was very emotionally supportive. Since then we’ve had our ups and downs and the expected fights as we navigated our new reality. But still due to him having to go back to work right away, I’ve been doing it all basically. Recovering, caring for baby, attempting to bf, some house chores, taking our baby to treatment/drs appointments, etc. I have been doing my best to manage it all and I am finally getting the hang of things. However, it often comes at the expense of my own needs. I was finding it hard to find time to eat or do things for myself. My partner was begging me to also take care of myself and so I realized he was partially right. It’s ok to let my baby cry a bit if it means I can go quickly eat or go to the bathroom. A few days ago- I had done all of our laundry as I usually do. However I had not had time to fold and put away mine or the baby’s clothes due to other responsibilities. The clothes sat there in a basket for a few days. He gets home from work and starts complaining about the clothes still being there when I said I would put them away. I tried explaining that my days had been packed with other responsibilities for our son and I’ve been trying to prioritize taking care of myself too as he wanted me to. Our baby only has so much awake time and he will not nap during the day unless he is being held. I tried to explain all this and he says that I’m not logical and I still could have found the time to do it and that I just chose not to and am being lazy. I said I was doing the best that I could and often have to prioritize the urgency of other tasks. He then says that I’m not the first woman to become a mother so to spare him with it all. I lost it at this. He is completely invalidating and dismissing anything I experience as a first time mom. It’s coming to a point where I don’t feel emotionally safe to share anything. Especially because he gets mad when I cry. I’m at the point where I’m considering divorce (even though we just got married) and never wanting to have another child with him like we had planned. Am I jumping the gun in wanting to end things? Should I wait it out and let us adjust through pp? Idk … will things ever change?

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Personally I don’t think so I actually had to leave my ex for some of the same things but he was 10 times worse it was so bad I kept having miss carriages from him I wanted to give my daughter a sibling so after my last miscarriage I decided to leave I’m more happier now I have gained so much I lost with him let alone he stole so much from me literally and I did invitro and what do you know I’m pregnant he told me to enjoy my chemical baby I told him he’s the only one with a chimical problem that’s in his head I usually don’t open up to people and couldn’t message you privately because this is an anonymous post but I hope this helps you and give you courage to know your not wrong

You have the right to feel the way you feel. He doesn’t sound like a very understanding partner. Have you tried explaining to him that everyone is different when it comes to becoming a first time mom. I’m sure it takes a lot out of you. You’re a superwoman without the super supers.

"you're not the first woman to become pregnant / become a mom" tells me he doesn't fully understand what these things entail. Let him do it all for a few days and see how easy it is. No, you're not the first woman to do it, but every woman struggles with the transition and with the shift of putting another human being's needs before yours. Your entire perspective shifts and things you used to do, even the most minor things like going to the bathroom whenever you want, you don't get to do anymore. Honestly, he needs to better understand how massive an undertaking it is to become a mother, he's minimizing it and that is not supportive of you or fair. If he rolls his eyes and tells you to suck it up and won't listen, then it's time to consider alternatives. You deserve better.

Give him the statistics, you’d have to pay someone to do what you’re doing. You probably don’t ever clock off as he does I’m assuming? Are you doing the nights too? When he comes home does he jump right into baby duty? It took me 9 months before I even really got a routine of my own self care down let alone house chores. .

@Tam Im sorry you experienced that but I am so glad that you are at a better place now! The type of situation I explained has only happened that couple of times but I’m not about to wait until it happens for the 10th time. He has now apologized but I straight up told him that if he says things like that to me again we are done. He asked me if I was leaving him after how he talked to me.

@Shauna I’ve tried explaining that so many times. I thought he understood it finally but then he made those comments again. I have told him that if I hear anything like that again I am leaving and taking our son since I do everything for him.

@Melissa this is exactly it. Thank you for your comment ❤️ we are only 3 months pp are I am still transitioning into my new role and identity. I’ve tried to explain that becoming a mother is going to make my son my priority but he thinks I am being obsessive. He doesn’t grasp exactly what it takes and the sacrifices that are made. He has since apologized and has acknowledged he messed up. But this still changed how I view him. If it happens again I’m done. I do deserve better.

@Destiny yup! I do nights and days except usually between 4:30pm-6:30pm when he takes him when he’s home from work. And even then he’s asking me to grab things for him every 10 mins cause he’s with the baby. We’re only 3 months in and the only way I’ve been able to stay sane is to have some sort of routine going even if it’s not by the clock but I’m just now trying to incorporate and make time for my self care in there too.

I don't know if that would help in your situation. But I started reading Fair Play a long time ago and wrote Shit I Do spreadsheet. I also put a tab for Shit He Does. I sent this to my husband and said something either changes or this will not end well. My husband was not as bad as you describe yours but I still felt things were not fair while I was on maternity leave, especially since I bring the higher income and always told him I am not a housewife type person. He still does his own laundry, etc. but I do take care of a lot of family stuff. Anyways, the spreadsheet helped us have a conversation. There are also cards that come with a book which we didn't end up using as the spreadsheet drove the point home. I will also say my husband had a hard time adjusting to a newborn. He did what he was supposed to but it took time for him to bond with the baby. We implemented measures to help with that like alternating nights. I pumped on his nights but he got to hold and feed the baby, changed diapers, soothe him, et

To me it sounds like your husband is being triggered by something around showing care. I'm wondering if his family is quite 'get on with it' or if he's jealous of the attention you give your child, or maybe he didn't feel cared for himself growing up? My partner had a theoretical view of how it would be with a child and has been in shock at the adjustment to his life, I wonder if your partner hasn't made the adjustment yet? It feels like finding a forum to talk about this would be useful - whether couple's therapy or maybe with a trusted friend or family member. What you've been doing is amazing and he needs to recognise that. Yes, you're not the first woman in the world to do these things but why does he think that's a good enough reason to invalidate you and what you do... For me one doesn't follow the other. It's interesting that he's asked if you're leaving him- does he have a sense that he was out of line?

Personally I wouldn’t stay, it’s not worth it, he’s making you feel bad for not being able to do EVERY SINGLE THING and it’s not fair, my partner has been so supportive and understands that I can’t do much, and I’m just in bed rest, I haven’t had the baby yet, he works all week and is out of town for a week or two weeks at a time, so to me what your husband is doing is no excuse, because my partner is present and understanding and does the house work I can’t do, there’s a difference between a man who wants to help and understands when you can’t vs a man who just doesn’t give a f***, having a child together is a two person job a lot of the time, it’s a partnership and if he can’t be your partner do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel better and right

A lot of the time it takes having a child to see if your relationship is actually working, and there’s no shame it that, he wants you to take more care of yourself so do that, do what you need to do love

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