Relationship since having a child

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very common to go through an adjustment period after baby in any relationship. It is very tough for a new mama to not feel supported. Have you tried talking to doctor in case it’s post-partum blues you may also be experiencing and contributing to the way you feel towards him? He should still definitely be hearing you out and trying to meet each other’s needs. It could be the recent criticisms that have caused him to shut down. I would read up on anxious attachment style with avoidant partners to help you understand what your relationship dynamic may be and how to communicate better. I hope you are able to figure it out and get the support you need xxx

@Chablis yes I’ve spoken to the gp and had my antidepressants upped because I’m feeling so low. Thank you for your advice and I’ll do some reading now x

So sorry you’re going through this. Having a baby is an emotional rollercoaster for both parents and we all react differently. I’m a really emotional person and my husband is very sex driven. He’s very affectionate and emotional when we have sex. It’s very rarely just treated as a quickie. When we had our first I ended up having a section so sex was off the cards for a while, my husband cared for me and our little boy so well but emotionally I didn’t feel supported and he also didn’t feel his needs were being met. He wasn’t open about it but I know porn was used several times- at least your partner has been open about that. Once I felt okay to have sex everything changed. And although because I felt my emotional needs wasn’t being met I didn’t really want to have sex with my husband….and I’ve always said sex doesn’t fix things, but it fixed so much and was definitely what we both needed. Are you able to have a couple of hours just the 2 of you? Xx

@Lottie You situation sounds very similar to mine. I just want the bare minimum of a kiss and cuddle in the day but I’ve had none of that consistently for months. He’s also very sex driven but because I feel so disconnected, sex isn’t happening. I also don’t have a very high sex drive. Baby is EBF so we can’t have any baby free time together but I’ve been suggesting going out for food and little date nights but even when we do that, nothing changes. He just doesn’t seem to be bothered about me at all

Sorry this has happened. It’s quite common for it to happen because it is a big thing becoming parents. Expect changes throughout life because they simply just happen. However, I disagree that relationships change indefinitely because you’ve had a baby. Relationships do change, but after change, after challenges, should come growth. As that would be a healthy relationship. I went through the same with my bf, I never felt like myself, he wasn’t ever himself and our intimacy did slow but not completely halt. We found sex was just harder to do, but we found cuddling and other forms of intimacy were easier. We argued bad and said things we both regret. Yes it’ll play on your mind and probably his, it did for both me and my bf. We ended up taking some space when our daughter was 1. It was the toughest time of our life but we needed some space to kind of give our heads a wobble, come back with a clear mind and then talk. Then grow and learn from our mistakes. To the him watching porn part

Perhaps he feels it’s easier to do because it’ll be faster? I do understand how it makes you feel, and you deserve to he chosen over it. I think maybe you should just ask him about it. Don’t have a go at him but ask him why he’s doing it. If he gives you a genuine reason then listen, talk to each other, express how it makes you feel if you haven’t already and say that you would like to be prioritised before porn. I still have moments where I feel like my bf is unattracted to me, but I have to look inside of myself and say would he be with me if he didn’t want to be. If you have any hesitation towards saying no to yourself then perhaps you can see it’s a problem you need to overcome and also address with him so he knows how it makes you feel. If you do think he’d be with you when he doesn’t want to be then you’ve got your answer and then make a decision based upon that. I do totally relate to you, and in my situation it got better. I also worked on myself so I’d have a different

Mindset. Sorry for the long response. Look after yourself and trust me you aren’t alone and it can get better but might need time and it will require the both of you to work together

@Dionne thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I get that relationships change, I have an older daughter from a previous relationship which obviously didn’t work out but that was for other reasons. I don’t think a relationship should just disappear though because your parents. I just want to bare minimum really, a cuddle, a kiss, just some sort of affection. We’re both really busy with the kids and I EBF so my new baby is very demanding but that said, I still want my relationship too. I get that the room mate phase happens too but we’re both not happy with it being that way but then nothing seems to change. He says I don’t approach him but after nearly 5 months of feeling like he doesn’t really care and doesn’t want to kiss or cuddle me, why would I keep trying? The only time we do kiss is when I go up to bed with baby and I’ll kiss him goodnight. The porn part- he says he’s doing it because we’re not having sex and he has his needs. Me reply has been, if you put effort into

@Dionne the relationship, our sex life would be better. I feel like he just takes the easy way out with everything though because if he’s sorting himself out, he hasn’t got to change or make an effort with me. I agree, when you think about it rationally, if he didn’t want to be here, he wouldn’t be but then if he does want this, why not act like it. I’m not perfect myself, I struggle with my mental health and I’m quite up and down. I’m not the world’s most affectionate person but I just want something to feel like we’re together and not lodgers. I’ve upped my anti depressants and am starting cbt soon for my anxiety but I think part of the reason why I’m so down is because of how our relationship now is so I can only work on myself so much but the rest is out of my hands. We’ve had loads of conversations about this. I’ve sat infront of him crying and begging for us to have some sort of connection. It’s got so bad that I feel like I don’t want to be here sometimes (I’m not full on

@Dionne suicidal but at times, I just don’t want to face the day knowing how shitty I’m feeling). His response was I’ve got no sympathy for you saying things like that when you’ve got 2 kids and that’s not an option. There’s more important things. He’s also said my mental health isn’t his responsibility which it isn’t but he doesn’t help. I just feel empty and stressed, overwhelmed and overstimulated most of the time and would just like some support from him

Sorry I didn’t realise he wasn’t giving you affection at all. Well from the sounds of it he is just prioritising his own needs. And I get what you mean by saying if he puts more effort in then your sex life would be better of course because that makes sense. I don’t think a lot of people or if any would want to do that with their partner that aren’t putting effort in. I’m very sorry to hear that. And yes I agree with you, he should be acting like it if he wants to be with you. He’s only going to drive you away at the end of the day. He definitely shouldn’t be saying that to you about not having sympathy as that will for obvious reasons make things worse. He should be more sympathetic. Who wants to see their partner in pain in any type of way? To the statement saying your mental health isn’t his responsibility, it is and isn’t. If he does something that he knows upsets you, he’s hurting you and driving you down a darker path. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. Do you consider

Leaving? If that is an option. He should be helping you through these things. I know I’m just a stranger but I used to be suicidal. I struggle with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is the worst part of it for me, I’ve been depressed since I was a teenager. It’s horrible to live with and it’s also scary within itself when you do have kids. Someone who doesn’t struggle with those things can’t comment about what it’s like and say things like that. I wholeheartedly support you and I am really sorry. You deserve much more than that. A common phrase treat people how you would want to be treated. That’s what he needs to put his mindset at. You can always message me, please know you’re not alone though. I think it can either only improve if he changes or if you were to leave. Some people don’t know what they have until it’s gone and he should be making loving memories with you and your child together