Relationship since having a child

I had my lovely little boy 4 months ago and he’s mine and my partners first child together. Since he’s been born, our relationship has just become terrible. It started off with my partner just completely stopping affection and any sort of emotional intimacy. He said it was because he was just so obsessed with our boy and it wasn’t a conscious thing, he just wanted to spend all of his time with him and our relationship had changed because we’d had a baby. I kept getting upset and bringing up how our relationship was vanishing but nothing changed which led to some of the worst arguments we’ve ever had and us questioning whether we should even be together anymore. We’ve both said some horrible things to each other that we can’t take back and certain things keep playing in my head and im sure that’s the same for him. I feel like my emotional needs aren’t being met and in turn, his physical needs aren’t so we are both not getting what we want out of the relationship. We’re now very much in the room mate phase and I just feel so alone, unloved, unwanted. I’m so down and depressed. This is all making me so paranoid that he’ll cheat because he’s not having sex regularly. He’s told me he’s been masturbating to porn whilst I’m upstairs dealing with our baby at night. I just feel so insecure, ugly and like he finds me unattractive. This isn’t how I thought family life would be with him and I’m just in such a shitty headspace. There’s so much more I could write but I’ve wrote an essay already. I guess what I want to know is if anyone else has been in a similar position and their relationship has got better or is this the beginning of the end?

Show your support

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s very common to go through an adjustment period after baby in any relationship. It is very tough for a new mama to not feel supported. Have you tried talking to doctor in case it’s post-partum blues you may also be experiencing and contributing to the way you feel towards him? He should still definitely be hearing you out and trying to meet each other’s needs. It could be the recent criticisms that have caused him to shut down. I would read up on anxious attachment style with avoidant partners to help you understand what your relationship dynamic may be and how to communicate better. I hope you are able to figure it out and get the support you need xxx

@Chablis yes I’ve spoken to the gp and had my antidepressants upped because I’m feeling so low. Thank you for your advice and I’ll do some reading now x

So sorry you’re going through this. Having a baby is an emotional rollercoaster for both parents and we all react differently. I’m a really emotional person and my husband is very sex driven. He’s very affectionate and emotional when we have sex. It’s very rarely just treated as a quickie. When we had our first I ended up having a section so sex was off the cards for a while, my husband cared for me and our little boy so well but emotionally I didn’t feel supported and he also didn’t feel his needs were being met. He wasn’t open about it but I know porn was used several times- at least your partner has been open about that. Once I felt okay to have sex everything changed. And although because I felt my emotional needs wasn’t being met I didn’t really want to have sex with my husband….and I’ve always said sex doesn’t fix things, but it fixed so much and was definitely what we both needed. Are you able to have a couple of hours just the 2 of you? Xx

@Lottie You situation sounds very similar to mine. I just want the bare minimum of a kiss and cuddle in the day but I’ve had none of that consistently for months. He’s also very sex driven but because I feel so disconnected, sex isn’t happening. I also don’t have a very high sex drive. Baby is EBF so we can’t have any baby free time together but I’ve been suggesting going out for food and little date nights but even when we do that, nothing changes. He just doesn’t seem to be bothered about me at all

@Dionne thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I get that relationships change, I have an older daughter from a previous relationship which obviously didn’t work out but that was for other reasons. I don’t think a relationship should just disappear though because your parents. I just want to bare minimum really, a cuddle, a kiss, just some sort of affection. We’re both really busy with the kids and I EBF so my new baby is very demanding but that said, I still want my relationship too. I get that the room mate phase happens too but we’re both not happy with it being that way but then nothing seems to change. He says I don’t approach him but after nearly 5 months of feeling like he doesn’t really care and doesn’t want to kiss or cuddle me, why would I keep trying? The only time we do kiss is when I go up to bed with baby and I’ll kiss him goodnight. The porn part- he says he’s doing it because we’re not having sex and he has his needs. Me reply has been, if you put effort into

@Dionne the relationship, our sex life would be better. I feel like he just takes the easy way out with everything though because if he’s sorting himself out, he hasn’t got to change or make an effort with me. I agree, when you think about it rationally, if he didn’t want to be here, he wouldn’t be but then if he does want this, why not act like it. I’m not perfect myself, I struggle with my mental health and I’m quite up and down. I’m not the world’s most affectionate person but I just want something to feel like we’re together and not lodgers. I’ve upped my anti depressants and am starting cbt soon for my anxiety but I think part of the reason why I’m so down is because of how our relationship now is so I can only work on myself so much but the rest is out of my hands. We’ve had loads of conversations about this. I’ve sat infront of him crying and begging for us to have some sort of connection. It’s got so bad that I feel like I don’t want to be here sometimes (I’m not full on

@Dionne suicidal but at times, I just don’t want to face the day knowing how shitty I’m feeling). His response was I’ve got no sympathy for you saying things like that when you’ve got 2 kids and that’s not an option. There’s more important things. He’s also said my mental health isn’t his responsibility which it isn’t but he doesn’t help. I just feel empty and stressed, overwhelmed and overstimulated most of the time and would just like some support from him

@Dionne he can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact I’m not going to feel like being sexual when we’re so disconnected. He says his needs are physical and mine are emotional. He says why should he make the effort to tend to my emotional needs if I won’t tend to his physical needs so it just goes round in circles and nothing changes. Thank you for all of your advice and kind words. It’s nice to not feel as alone

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