Am I overreacting? Any advice?

My brother in law, Carlos, isn't right in the head due to drug use. I've always been uncomfortable around him even before being pregnant 😅 he doesn't make eye contact ever, always has his head down and always wearing a ski mask and hat even in the summer.. and he basically never talks. He just isn't there anymore.. I set the boundary didn't want him alone ever with my baby and I didn't want him to hold her. My partner and his mom say I'm overreacting and that he should be allowed to hold her LONG AS everyone is around. But even my partner and his mom agree he should never be alone with her? But his exact words are, "He won't assault her or anything if everyone is around." We visited my MIL for a couple hours (btw she literally lives 4 minute drive away 😐). And she asked to hold my daughter and I let her and I turned my back for less then 1 minute and what she had IMMEDIATELY done is broken my boundary and went and gave my daughter to Carlos. Later on as I put her into her car seat Carlos came up and was holding her hand (again I turned my back for ONE SECOND?!) And he wouldn't let go of her even when their mom was tryna get his hand off!! My bf says that that's normal and I'm overthinking it all and refuses to actually establish my boundaries. Because "that's my mom and Carlos is HER baby. How would you feel if I never let your brothers hold her?" And I let my bfs other brother hold the baby it's just Carlos ain't right in the head and I'm concerned. Please please am I crazy? Any advice? What do I do? I told my bf if he doesn't enforce my boundaries or if Carlos holds her again I will leave for an inset amount of time or even breakup with him over this.

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Its your child, if you feel uncomfortable with anything, then thats allowed. Your husband should be a little bit more supportive especially if he even says he shouldnt be alone with her. I’d keep a distance if you can for a bit. They can come visit you if they’re desperate

🫤 it’s a difficult one. I’d definitely agree to the not being left alone with her - not to say he’d intentionally hurt her, I’d be more worried of accidentally neglecting her/ not caring for her properly. I do think not letting him hold her at all is abit extreme. - that being said it’s not your MIL place to go behind your back and place her with Carlos she was wrong for doing that. The hand thing is abit weird. Words definitely need to be had with both partner and MIL I think.

@Charlotte thank you for your perspective. I agree with what you said. 😅

@Hollie I get mixed reactions about whether or not him not being allowed to hold her is too extreme. Even IF it is though my MIL was in the wrong for knowingly breaking that boundary.. and I wish my partner would support me whether he agreed or not..

No one has the right to tell you what to do with your child.. your husband also has a say but if you have concerns or worries he should be supportive of your feelings regardless the situation. You and your little one should be priority not his mothers feelings or the ski mask wearing weirdo.

I think the bottom line is not if the bounds is “extreme” (I totally agree with you btw) but the fact that your MIL chose to ignore your boundaries. That’s not okay what ever the boundary may be. Your baby, your choice. Best line of defence - wear a sling with baby at your next visit - then she’s totally safe tucked up with u 😂

I’m with Hollie on this one… It’s normal you’d feel very protective but refusing for Carlos to hold her at all, or her hand is a bit extreme, especially if others are around. I also understand your husband’s perspective: that is his brother, and rejecting him like that can be felt so violently…

A family member has an active addiction and my partner told me when I was pregnant that he didn’t want our baby to be around this person. From that day I have stuck to this, I understand and appreciate this boundary to keep our child safe. Regardless of it causing problems and making things difficult with my family, my partner and my daughter come first. Your husband should protect his daughter and his wife, not his mother’s feelings!

A question to consider maybe: is Carlos violent or is in an extreme “eccentricity” that makes you feel uncomfortable. I’ve had both cases in my family and treated these people very very differently…

@Marie He has been violent before. He has beat my bf, his mom, and broken household items at my house and his mom's. And yes, he's very odd in his behavior.

Thought I’d ask indeed…. The past violence makes it very different…

A baby can be injured so fast how does it matter if someone’s watching while something happens or not? I would push on this one personally he doesn’t sound like a safe person.

10000% you are in the right. And stand on that too! I had a very similar situation and i stand by what I did all the way.

Your not being dramatic. Me and my husband have an agreement where if one of us says no to something in regards to our daughter, that’s final word. My husbands mum was/is with this man who is an alcoholic and does drugs sometimes. When he gets drunk he becomes a horrible man (not physically as far as I know). He tried to kick her out on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day and broke up with her at 2am after she drove over an hour to him that late evening so they could wake up together. He then had a heart attack a week or so ago and hubbys mum has taken him in to look after (she’s too nice for her own good) I’ve not been happy with him for a while but after that I told my husband I didn’t want him around our baby from now on and he has instantly understood and is going to have a very hard conversation with his mum about it.

@Lea the instant support from your husband is amazing. Ok it can't be easy to cut off family, I've already done it several times even before my baby.

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