Not the mum u had imagined

Does anyone feel like they’re just not the mum they thought they’d be… When I had my baby I breastfed her at the start but she was never happy. I thought it’s going to create a strong bond between us. I was a mess PP for the first 8 weeks because she was a very colicky baby and no one would listen to me that she needed some help. The GP, HV, my husband, my MIL - they all told me I was crazy. I started to believe it. The first 8 weeks she would scream and cry if it was just me and her alone. I started to think she doesn’t like me because no one else got it as intense as I did. Then things really improved and I started to enjoy her. But I admit I do lose my temper, sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes I shout, sometimes I get so so angry over small stupid things and I need to walk away for 5 to calm down. I would never hurt my baby I love her. But she annoys me so much sometimes and it’s so irrational I am aware. Anyway now when it’s just us two she’s absolutely fine, she gives me smiles and joy. Until there’s someone else around. She has a preference for the other person in the room. It’s like if it’s just me she’s thinking ok you’ll do but as soon as there’s another person present she cries and moans at me and wants to be held or spend time smiling at the other person and she looks at me as though she doesn’t like me. It really sounds so stupid but I feel like she really doesn’t like me and sometimes I don’t question it because u know what I do get mad over nothing sometimes and it’s not her fault she’s just a baby. No question just an outlet. I don’t think I’m crazy. But I know someone will comment on this saying you have PPD as I’ve been over that loads of times and I don’t believe I do….either that I’m in denial

Show your support

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough time, it’s so difficult at times isn’t it 😩❤️ you’re doing great though and you’re a very good mum! I feel similar to you in the sense that when there’s someone else in the room baby frowns at me and looks at me all evil 😂 I saw a comment on here that said it’s because they still don’t know that they’re a separate person from you and that’s why they’ll be smiling at others more. Not sure how true that is but it made me feel a bit better 🫣 all you can do is do your best which you’re doing already and things will get easier/improve for you soon! You’ve got this mama!!

Please remember that this is barely the first step on your parenting journey! My oldest is 8 on saturday (!!) and her baby days rarely register to me when I think of being her mum. Our relationship has already shifted so many times, and she's still so little! It might turn out that you prefer some ages over others, and that's actually fine. I obviously have no idea if you have PPD, but remember that's not the only reason you might need or want help. If you're feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, or if you want to find new, better tactics for parenting, there is therapy, support groups, so many options to explore. Wishing you the best!

Ok also just to say: having PPD doesn't mean you're 'crazy' or even that your interpretation of events is wrong. It's more like, hmm, like you see everything through the worst possible lens? I didn't realise I had PP Anxiety with my first until I had my second and was like ohhhh wow this is super different, ok, I now see how my experience was being impacted by my mental health.

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