PPD, postpartum life— feeling down

I’m almost 7 months postpartum with my first when I was 40, now 41. Objectively I had a fairly ok birth and a healthy baby so I know it’s not the worse case scenario. But I feel terrible. Again I know it can be worse, but I felt like I had a pretty traumatic birth. I lost a lot of blood (more than 1 liter) from an internal tear. My baby had tongue tie and gave me nipple trauma. I made a lot of attempts to breastfeed her but she wouldn’t stay latched. I’m exclusively pumping. I don’t make enough milk so I have to follow a strict schedule of pumping. I pumped 7x a day for 6 months and then relaxed to 6x a day now. I supplement with formula. In addition I had a host of sub clinical problems that my doctors felt it was trivial or nothing but they definitely bothered me for a long while, finally just got better from those by 5-6 months postpartum. I feel like I don’t enjoy my hobbies anymore and I’m not sure if I even have them, even if I did I wouldn’t have the time to do them. I have help from a family member with childcare when I work. I work from home but my job is intense and long hours. I had a lot of rage toward my husband at first cause he didn’t know how to handle baby and was not eager to learn in my view. He has finally caught on now and takes over for nighttime feeding and consoling baby for the most part. He also takes on house chores here and there. He has come a long ways to be this way but not without lots and lots of tears and trying to get him to understand what I need help with, and not just help but be a parent and equal contributor to the family. I still snap at him almost daily and subconsciously hold grudge against him for the early days. He said I’m an empty shell of who I used to be and at times unkind. I think I was just emotionally traumatized and definitely need to work on it with therapy. I see friends who had babies similar age seem to have a way easier time than me. Successful breastfeeding, quick recovery, traveling, attentive husbands, and enjoying life. Me on the other hand I just go in this endless cycle of baby care and be stuck. I know comparison is the their of joy but I just can’t help but wonder am I having a normal postpartum experience? Cause it doesn’t feel like it, and I’m still feeling down after all this time. I love my baby and enjoy time with her but it doesn’t make a difference in how I feel… Ps I’m in therapy already but it just hasn’t gotten me completely out of how I feel.

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I have suffered totally the same as u ... so much like it almost lost my man. .. seek lots support and help it won't go away till 2 yrs just try something for u for now ... don't what u love to do ... selfcare self love , counseling go from there

If you're into books maybe this one is for you: Mothershift by Jessie Harrold. Give yourself time 💜

You're not alone. Sounds like PPD which is so common but not spoken about. For me having my baby brought up alot of childhood trauma and other issues I thought I'd dealt with. I'm still going through it and my baby is 8 months. It's so hard and such a lonely place to be. Feel free to DM me

If you’re looking for someone to tell you if you’re being overdramatic or crazy - well that’s not it. Given what you’ve been through it’s completely understandable why you feel the way you do. Well done for addressing the idea of therapy, it definitely is an investment in your mental health and you’re worth that at the very least. Sorry you had such a traumatic time in the early days, only time will allow you to use new memories to gradually quieten down and replace those old ones. x

Consider going to a psychiatrist for medication in addition to therapy. Studies show that both medication and therapy combined is more effective than just one or the other. Also, the more severe the depression is, the more likely it will improve with medication. I would also try to work on lowering expectations for yourself. I had similar experience with my first having a tongue tie and I was pumping every few hours. It was like a full time job honestly. I developed mastitis around 3 months and stopped pumping. The minute I accepted that I was done pumping, it was like a huge weight was lifted. I started sleeping better bc I wasn't waking up throughout the night to pump. I had more "me" time. My baby was happier too bc I was more pleasant and affectionate during the day. My marriage improved bc I had more patience and thought before I spoke. Sometimes, what's best for your family is to put yourself first and allow yourself time & space to heal. There is no shame in doing so.

Unfortunately, your experience is all too common. Having a baby is a big life shift, and the support you have received during this major transition has been inadequate. Your doctors, your husband, even your well-meaning friends are leaving gaps and leaving you to pick up the slack. But it's too much for one person. Your therapist, a mom's group, new doctors, a few good babysitters, the occasional housekeeper, these are all good options to help round out your "village." There is nothing wrong with you. You're doing the best you can with what's available, you just need more resources (and more sleep!) There is so much wrong around you that it feels almost personal. Hang in there and give yourself permission to get the help you need. Spend the money, take the days off, say no to people. This is a special time in your life that you may only do once. You don't have to suffer through it, and in fact, your whole family will be in a better position if you don't. ❤️

I can relate and am still going through it, especially with baby #2. What helped me after baby # 1 was daycare. I initially had a nanny on days I worked and was with the baby on off days and all night. Once I put my first in daycare that I can trust ( that's key, she goes to a small home daycare). I started feeling more like myself. Everyone needs an outlet

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