Is this it for the rest of my life?

I feel so guilty even writing this. My first child is 9.5 months old and I’m sometimes longing for me again (pre-baby). It’s not like I’ve ‘lost myself’ as I do things for me and am figuring out my ‘new normal’ now I’m a mum. I’ve always liked my own space, so I think one of the things I find the hardest is never being able to switch off and knowing this is it for the rest of my life. My daughter is relatively easy (not that I have a benchmark) and she’s a really fun and happy baby. So I don’t even know why I’m finding things hard. I guess I still struggle from time to time mentally, knowing that my life has permanently changed. I always feel exhausted (even though I go to bed early and get support from my partner) and some of the days just feel like they bleed into one another. I know I’m not depressed, but I feel a bit blue. Like the fear of feeling like you can’t ever be on your own or escape. Maybe it’s overstimulation? But I wouldn’t even begin to know how this can be overcome while caring for a baby 24/7! I really don’t want to be judged for saying these things as there’s a lot about motherhood I absolutely love and I feel really blessed being her mum. But I often can’t shake this feeling and that things will only get harder. Please no judgement but it would be helpful to hear from anyone who has felt similar and how they’ve navigated this ‘new normal.’ I can’t even describe how I’m feeling properly, just that it’s really hard sometimes and feels like a never ending hamster wheel.

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I promise this is a temporary feeling. I felt similar. And it's true you must mourn your past self, and all the predetermined plans you set for yourself. It will only get harder, but you get stronger my dear. They get more independent, and you see the results of your meticulous daily handiwork. Once tedious tasks turn into adventures, and groans of exhaustion turn into giggles. You get to curate a lifelong friendship from the ground up. I know at times the carousel of the mundane keeps you queasy, but soon the lights will turn on and the music will play.. the child you held will sit on their own, and soon enough we will be on the other side of the gate,only able to wave at what once fit so snuggly in our lap. Watching them enjoy the ride is the goal, but you must survive first. You are loved. You are capable. So you feel defeated at the end of each day. Sleep, rest and breathe in the morning and all it's newness. All it's opportunity to begin again. Remember, this is your life too, take care.

@Mia thank you so so much for reading my post and all your kind and uplifting words. It’s really helped and means a lot you’ve taken the time to do so. It’s so hard sometimes isn’t it and it’s almost impossible to even explain what’s going on emotionally and mentally! But always good to know other mumas out there uplifting each other and showing words of encouragement 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

I read that flamingos lose their pink for two years after having a baby and I think it’s the same for us. You will get your pink back mama, it will just take time x

Oh no judgement here, some days parenting is just fucking relentless!

I feel exactly the same xxx

Yes I I have days where I feel exactly like this. That’s why I’ve decided I’m only going to have one child as I literally do not want to be responsible for another human being and want a bit more freedom as my son gets older. I just want to walk out the front door one day without having to take the buggy, get all the nappy bags etc ready! It does get tiring.

9,5 months here too! 🙌 When I gave birth I engraved on one of my rings ‘This too shall pass’. And when the times are hard )which atm more often than not they are hard) I look at it and know the hard times don’t last forever. And when we’re happy and laughing and having a great time I look at it again remembering that… yes, this too shall pass…. And before we know it they will be packing up for uni and the home will become empty again. And I will get time to myself then (which in ever do now), but i will wish there would be less of it and more of him.

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