Is it salvageable?

Maybe just sit down and have an honest chat with him and see where his head is at

Another thing I forgot to mention, sex has been terrible for the last 2 years for me. It just doesn’t feel good and even when he rarely tries to get me to finish, I just can’t. With exceptions of couse, a handful of times were incredible. This never really stopped me from getting intimate though, if he came on to me I’d always engage. Last night we got into a massive fight which is extremely rare for us. We both just spewed out everything on our minds and some ugly things were said. I was pretty harsh too which I regret but I have so much sexual frustration ive been holding in to not hurt his feelings. He obviously knew I wasn’t enjoying it as much but I basically spewed out something along the lines of stop touching me then since you can’t do it properly anyway. So much for sparing his feelings on something he can’t control 😕 Basically we’ve both been dickheads and we seem to have forgotten how to communicate. We’ve been avoiding each other today for the most part idek how i feel

I think you should start by being kinder yourself. It’s not your fault? No one would choose to be a ‘shell of their former self’ motherhood is tough and you went through a rough patch. It sounds like you have a man who does love and support you and it sounds like you love him too. He may just being going through a period of resentment and frustration and that’s okay. The most important thing is calm, honest communication. I think you should start by telling him everything you’ve said in this post that you know and understand he had to be the rock for a while and that just have taken a toll on him and you understand if he is a bit resentful now but you want to work together to get to a better place. If it were me I wouldn’t talk about the porn just yet the bigger issue is to regain you closeness and affection. Fall in love again, like each other again. And get to know this new version of your relationship.

I agree with above, what you went through wasn't your fault, so don't be hard on yourself, but I do think you both need to sit down and talk about how to make things better, on what you need and what he needs and compromise and agree on things, Tell him how you honestly feel and that you are sorry for your actions as you know it's not his fault... He has clearly gone through alot and he now feels like he can let go but now letting it all out... Which is OK how he feels it's just hard for you both. I think you both need to take time together, sit and watch films or whatever you enjoy doing when child in bed, and get someone to watch the child minium once a month so you can both go on dates and be you and him... Not mummy and daddy, you both clearly love eachother and have the utmost respect for eachother just sometimes situations get too much and things get out of hand but it's when you pull eachother back together and put the time and effort in to correct the things that are going wrong before it gets too

@Zaza I agree with all of this! Counselling could be helpful too OP, if you don’t seem to be managing to get anywhere between the 2 of you. Curious about one thing you said though, about how he “rarely tries” to get you to finish - did you mean that he’s prioritising his own pleasure before yours? As that’s definitely not ok, and he can absolutely learn how to increase pleasure for you, with your assistance. Allow yourself some grace in all of this OP, those first 2 years pp are rough to get through and you are not to blame for the impact it had on you! 🩷

Bad... Now the porn, I saw you said about changing your skin colour.. That doesn't mean that's what he wants you to be, could just be something he likes doesn't mean he isn't totally attracted to you and want you... Everyone has different likes and dislikes.. I love my partner with everything I have and would never stray no matter what, but my 'eye candy' is like the tall dark and handsome... My partner is handsome to me but he is shorter to me and bald 😂

If communication is the issue and you guys had an argument and ugly things r said then direct this whole post to him. Go into your notes now, and put all your thoughts on paper and if you partly blame yourself then tell him so and tell him it was a really rough patch for you, and you’ll try to do better, and let’s start fresh, “do we have the option of starting fresh”. Can we try again as a couple and show our kids what a healthy happy couple can look like. Do we have it in us to try again. Send him a whole dang essay if need be. Or do you have the courage to copy and paste it and just add a few things so it’s directed at him and send it.

Id try acknowledging the situation, maybe thank him for all that support. Him seeing you truly recognise the effort he made. Might help him shake it off. Maybe a thank you date night. Personal opinion but unless it was a different gender of porn I wouldn't worry Also postpartum is NOT your fault, it sounds like you did an incredible job despite everything you were going through. Please be kind to yourself ♥️

I think it’s salvageable but I don’t think just giving him time will do it, I think it’s more of a have a kind honest conversation about how you were literally sick and now you’re finally better, acknowledging that’s it’s been a rough 3 years for everyone, talking about what you each need from the other at this point and working together to get your relationship back on the rails

Don't give up. The first few years of childhood is ROUGH and challenges every relationship. If you get postpartum, that greatly increases the timeline. Therapy or a trusted loved one would be helpful to heal the gap. He's resentful which is warranted. It seems like he knows it's not your fault, but that doesn't negate the uneven load he's been carrying.

Thanks everyone thats some pretty solid advice. Part of me is just really angry at him like IM GOOD NOW WHY CANT WE JUST BE HAPPY but I also know thats unreasonable and selfish. I just can’t seem to control the anger bubbling inside me, I don’t know if it’s truly directed at myself. He’s suggested I go to therapy a few times but I don’t even know what id talk about. I do know he’s definitely not down for couples therapy though, he thinks its a scam considering we can just talk ourselves without a third party present. He’s not wrong, we’re pretty good at taking accountability and working through any issues without even fighting, our communication problem recently arose. With the sex thing, when I said rarely, thats on me too, although I did initiate it frequently, I hate giving head and don’t do it unless he specifically asks. He has stated multiple times that he wants me to just do it without him asking but I just ew idk. So it’s understandable that he’s also slowed down.

I do see im being ridiculous with the porn thing, I guess I do find other men attractive who look nothing like my husband, doesn’t mean im any less attracted to him. I guess thats just my insecurities. He did complain that the sex is very vanilla and I “only like two positions” which is unfair because im always down to do different things, he always just stops and switches back to one of those two positions because he can tell im not enjoying it. I can’t control what feels good to me and I don’t refuse doing the positions he likes. Im even down for anal even though I thoroughly dislike it. It’s just the head I can’t bring myself to do. Any advice on how to fix our sex life? This problem arose after birth, can my lack of enjoyment have anything to do with my pelvic floor? Would that weakening affect pleasure? It’s not like I’ve lost my sex drive, im still incredibly horny most of the time, it just feels pointless since im left more frustrated even after he tries to make me cum.sorry tmi

Well… was he specifically looking up a different race or was that just a video he watched? As far as being sexually frustrated you’re not going to feel the same during sex until you reconnect emotionally. Maybe cook a nice dinner tonight and tell him I’m sorry can I have a hug? And he’ll apologize too. Heck even she’d a few tears if need be. Tell him you miss the old him you need him back. Hes your husband you have to open your heart up to him. That was the whole point of getting married to trust him to love you and vice versa. Maybe tell him you feel big and need to be held accountable and hit the gym together. Talk to your Dr about weight loss drugs like phentermine I lost 40 pounds on it. Your a momma struggling mentally some days if all you can do is shower THATS OKAY ITS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY! stop beating yourself up you survived your hardest days that’s all that matters.

Alright so I’m going to be brutally honest here. This sounds a lot like my husband and I though lol. But I would say do not give up on him, he never gave up on you when you were going through it. Go to the gym or do some type of exercise that will calm your mind (Pilates, yoga, etc.). Sometimes your mind is so into it that you can’t see what’s been done. I believe it is your turn to hold up the family, it’s been 3 years for him, I believe you can hold up for a few months so he can see it through. Try to do things he use to like from you. Try to revive the love and compassion. Talk to him too but not now bc he may feel a little resentment so try your best to make him see that you want to do better. But don’t give up on him, you will never find someone who will place their happiness on hold for you. Now if he starts being physical or doesn’t get it that’s a different story…

I used to be a mad gym rat we went to the gym together every single day but after taking a break during my pregnancy it was hard to get back into the rhythm. I’ve recently started joining him on and off and actually just came back from the gym to clear my head and let out some frustration. Im not overweight at all, I just lost all my hard earned muscle. He hasn’t been complaining about the way I look, moreso just disappointed that I stopped putting in effort (based on what he’s told me), according to him effort and passion is more attractive than what I actually look like. He’s the type of person who’s attracted to brain power rather than looks and clearly my brain hasn’t been functioning typically since baby. Ahhh there’s just so much on my mind i don’t know what to focus on im sort of just venting here.

Considering he kept it together and was there for you for 3 years that to me is a good man. He could have easily just said enough is enough and left. But he knew it wasn't your fault for how you was feeling and he was patient. That alone tells me this is very salvageable. Perhaps therapy would be a good thing, there's no harm in trying. I would sit down calmly and tell him how you feel. Empathise with how hard it must have been for him too. Yes you briefly lost yourself but he also lost you too. Be kind to yourself. But from reading your replies I would definitely give therapy a try, all the venting on here you could do with them and they may help you with some exercises you can do to help calm your mind and learn to love yourself again

Can you guys go to couples therapy?

He’s at work at the moment and just called me to do something for him on his game and that was followed by a normal conversation about something funny that happened. It’s like nothing happened last night and we haven’t been avoiding each other the whole day (its 1am here so literally the entire day). I feel like we haven’t just talked in forever. We used to pillow talk every night for hours and hours, we haven’t done that in forever. I guess he’s just been mentally and physically exhausted from carrying everything. It felt nice talking about nothing

My brothers a psychologist and I’ve recently been talking to him, he’s unofficially diagnosed me with adhd which could have played a major part in my “paralysis”, but he did say it’s not a proper diagnosis as it would need to be from an unbiased perspective. I do think he’s correct though as I’ve been implementing some of the strategies he mentioned with overcoming my issues and they seem to be working very well. That’s partly why I didn’t feel the need to see anyone else since I did have someone to talk to but I never aired out any of the problems in my marriage to him. we’re really close so he’s obviously aware of the house situation we had going on but definitely none of the sex stuff 🫣

My partner and I are really close and like you after having my son's I was lost in a sea of grief and PPD and PPA I didn't even recognise who I was anymore. I had my partner to talk to and my friends and family but it wasn't until I started doing therapy that I started feeling able to cope. My therapist made me realise things I'd never even thought of and helped me do exercises for my "triggers" I'm also on anti depressys now but I genuinely believe it's the therapy that's helped me the most. I'd just tell your hubby you miss him, you miss doing nothing with him, the small simple things. You know the last 3 years have been hard on you both and you'd really like to work on getting back to being the great team you know you can be. The sex and stuff will all fall back into play. I also recommend taking Maca Root and Ashwaganda supplements for the sex drive ❤️

@Megan thank you, unfortunately sex drive isnt the problem, I have a pretty high sex drive, I just don’t enjoy it while its happening 😩 it could just be a mental block as a few people suggested, who knows.

Write all your frustrations out and work on them one by one nothing will be done overnight. Give yourself some grace. Oh I didn’t mean to sound like you need to look better or anything. It was more for you to release all the tension and frustration because sometimes that can be so hard to do!

Sounds like u didn’t do anything wrong . And he did what he was supposed to do. Maybe more communication about what u guys were going thru would have helped. Deff go to therapy

Porn is a fantasy. Ignore the genre unless it's arrestable. It's not your fault, and kudos to your husband for understanding the best he could. I think this is salvageable. Honestly, I would let him read this. Or rewrite it to him in a note. I feel this could be very healing for him. Sometimes, it's easier to let someone read your feelings because there's no tones and no interruptions. He can see where you're coming from and how thankful you are, and you can rebuild from there.

I do think it could be pelvic floor or mental block because how everything has been, get back to enjoying and being how you was before but a conversation needs to be had prior so you both know, maybe try some toys? See if that helps you enjoy it more... Clit stimulation and that and is it the taste or look or what of giving head? If it's the taste you can get flavoured lube maybe that will help? Or even whipped cream 👀🤣 hides what it looks like and tastes better 😂

It's saveable. He just needs to find a way to get back to himself however y'all might need help to do that together. Ik it is because he never abandoned you when you were struggling and he was also patient with you. Perhaps he needs to understand what it is you were going through exactly. Book a sesh with your gp or whatever to educate him. Have honest talks and start again. That's all. Xx

Time for you to be his rock now and extend the patience he showed you, it could have had a profound impact on his mental health too. Therapy would be helpful both individual and as a couple. Maybe your husband lost his voice for all those years.

Maybe marriage therapy