AITA: First Birthday

I think part of where you guys went wrong was asking permission versus just stating the plan. If you ask families if they are OK with a combined birthday like this, it gives them the room to say no. If you simply stay babies’s first birthday party is going to be at this time on this day and then provide the details, you aren’t making room for an argument.If your mother-in-law then wants to say no, I want to do separate with my side, you can say that, as the parents you are hosting the birthday, and you don’t have the capacity for two separate parties. If they’re unavailable that day, you understand and they will be missed.

^this, I never would have asked. I would just go to MIL now and say something like "I'm not sure why husband asked, but son only needs one birthday party, and we are going to be the ones hosting" and give her the details.

^so yes. To be clear hubs needs to go to his parents and “apologize for being unclear”- but that there is only going to be 1 party and the details are xyz. If she throws a fit maybe you give her something to do. Like a photo backdrop or balloon arch or something. You don’t owe her that, but could be a nice gesture. Ohhh you don’t care about fancy $5 cookies!? PERFECT let her order them and then if they’re ugly ohh well and if they’re cute than they’re just a nice touch.

What’s a combined party (I know what it is, just never heard of this)?? It’s your kids birthday. It’s one party where all his family gathers. Why would there be more than one? I also think you shouldn’t have asked. It is weird that she expects to throw your son a birthday party. Ignore her and plan the party as you see fit. I’ve never heard of a grandmother hosting a birthday party.

^^ all of this. Have husband go back and apologize for the lack of clarity. Make sure he is clear that the party is happening one time. It'll be at x location at x time and x amount of people are being invited. This will, I hope, clear up any unwarranted frustration for MIL as you say hers can only accommodate 10 ppl so the amt of ppl being invited can't attend to celebrate. Make it clear that it's for your son and everyone deserves to be invited who has shown him love and support. You don't want to do a his and hers family party. Tell her you'd love for her to help out with something and then offer a list of things you don't mind if she goes rogue with and just let her choose frommthat set list so she feels important too. You def don't owe her that but grandparents sometimes just want to feel like superstars to their grandbabies. Let them know if they can't make it that day it's okay but there won't be a second party for him.

It's very odd that she will be throwing your son a birthday party, that's the parents job. Also, why would he need 2 parties. It all sounds a bit crazy to me. I would have invited her to his party and if she said no then she misses his birthday party. If you pander to her now over something so ridiculous then can you imagine what the rest of your lives will be like

@Ali My husband did it even though I didn't want him to, because I knew his mom would take the chance 🙄

@Kaylee well then frankly, you have a husband problem… he seems to be prioritizing his mom‘s feelings over your desire. I feel like it’s one of those things that it’s important to establish early, before it becomes an expectation that your kid has to go two different places all the time to have their birthday celebrated

@Ali for sure. I told him we can't have two of every celebration for the rest of his life. She tried to do this shit when we offered to host my husband's family for Christmas and I said no

But why does she need a separate party? You’re the parents so you choose where the party is. It sounds competitive in my opinion, something my own mum would have done. Always wanted to be the “best” grandparent whereas there is no such thing. You’re right she has declined it because she’s too stuck in her selfish ways to consider what might be best for you everyone. If your parent’s house is more ideal for everyone, then there shouldn’t be a problem. Like me and my bf live in a flat but if we wanted a family get together we’d ask his parents if we could host it there because it would seat more people, they have a big garden etc… So we would prefer that to having it in a smaller space because it’s comfortable for everyone. Just say life is too short to argue, she needs to get over herself and just join in and have fun

@Dionne that's how I feel! I said to my husband that she's had her own kids to throw parties for, now she gets to be a guest. Our house doesn't work and neither would hers, so we asked my parents. It's not because they're "better".

I wouldn't be allowing her to host a party. If she wants to come celebrate her grandchild, the invitation has clearly been extended. She knows the date, time, and place. And if she is so determined to throw her own party, she needs to either go make a baby or adopt a baby so she'll have someone to throw that party for.

We have separate parties for my son because my in-laws live 2 hours away. We'd only have 1 if they lived closer. Your MIL doesn't need to host a separate party. That's ridiculous. Maybe just emphasise that you and your husband are hosting. I hope the party is everything you want it to be.

Put your foot down now otherwise you're setting yourself up for this every year! 😬 1 child, 1 party! And you do it YOUR way! Whatever works for your little family! This entitlement and jealousy with MILs thinking they should be our go to for everything just angers me. I haven't had the blow up with mine yet but when the time comes and she let's it known that she believes I'm favouring my mum I'm gonna ask 1 really important question... "when you was a new mum who did you want there to help more than anyone? Who could you always trust to be there for you!?" And wait for the confident "My mum!" So I can smile and nod and say "not your mother inlaw then?" 🙃 Honestly.. these MILs are something else! 🤦‍♀️

@Maddie, not everyone would say, "My mum." In the first few weeks, I understand it's the mum's choice as she is recovering from birth. However, at some point, the father gets a say. Why would he want your mum there over his?

Your totally justified