Is it just me expecting too much?

My husband works while I stay home with our 2 month old. So most the time I’m the one doing the housework and chores for both of us since I’m home way more. But am I wrong for wanting help when he has a few days off/over the weekend? He never helps with nighttime feeds or wakes cause he “doesn’t hear her cry” which is fine, whatever. But the most he does during the day is he’ll hold her for a couple minutes or do a change or feeding if I ask. I guess I’m just wishing he could see the very obvious things (in my mind) that need to be done and help without being asked every single time. I know most guys have to be asked, but is it really so unrealistic for me to want him to look around and see all the chores that need done and help out and not be nagged every, single, time? Cause I’m not trying to be his mother and it makes me feel as though I am. Like even his own laundry and dishes etc. Or at least take care of the baby for longer than 30 minutes instead of passing her off to me when she gets a little fussy. I guess I’m just not understanding how people handle it when their husband can let the clean laundry sit in the basket for days on end after I asked him to hang it up and not be bothered, whereas I have to get things like that done before I can relax. How do you deal with a husband who isn’t bothered by those things which in return means I get stuck with doing all the chores or living in a messy house? I’ve tried explaining it, but it never seems to be better for more than a few days and I’m really just starting to feel like a nagging wife all the time which is the last thing I ever wanted to be 😕

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Yes this can be very frustrating. Men for some reason don’t have the mental capacity to look around and see wat needs to be done 9/10 they need to be told. My husband does help and he does a lot however I need to tell him wat to do. I don’t understand how men can’t figure out that this or that needs to be done.

We need to stop the narrative of “men can’t” - it’s not true and it just helps them continue with weaponised incompetence! It’s also pretty patronising. If men took this attitude at their jobs, do you think they’d get away with it? Men are *perfectly capable* of developing good habits to help around the house. My husband would be so offended by some of the comments I’ve seen on this app, talking about how useless men are! Men *can* and *should* help at home. There’s no excuse. My husband is a doctor with long shifts and a long commute. Somehow, he manages to take our LO for hours at a time at the weekend, he does all the laundry, he does all the grocery shops, he tidies up after himself (and us!). If he can do it, I don’t see what excuse other men have, to be honest. The resentment that builds up from this unequal share of labour is very damaging to relationships. Your husband needs to understand that so he can take active steps to change. He needs to take this seriously.

@Anke my husband does help a lot. He does the vacuuming, mopping, laundry (wash, fold, put away), cleans the bathroom, waters my garden, takes care of our cats. He feeds our daughter her bottle 9/10 when he is home while working 3-4x a week 15+hr days. Men should and they can. I get upset too at how many guys don’t do much at all and think jc they work that that’s all they need to do. My husband just isn’t the best with doing it on his own I usually say today I need u to do this this n this. I don’t have to harp on him tho he just needs guidance I guess. A lot of things I c is common sense to me but isn’t always for him. I go to school 3x a week and he watches our daughter the whole time alone. I always feel bad when women say they can’t take a shower or have to ask their so to watch their kid. When I need a shower I just take it or I tell him I’m getting in the shower I don’t have to ask. I also take an hour long bath almost every night n again I just go take 1.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ It’s good that he helps but should you really have to ask? The mental load is massive, and it should be shared, just like the tasks are. Your husband sounds like he wants to help, so maybe show him this comic to encourage him to take some of the mental load off your hands as well ❤️

@Anke thanks I will

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