Struggling Mum

I have a nearly 3 year old and I'm struggling. I would say I am struggling more now than I did when he was born and I had severe post natal depression. Since he was born I have been diagnosed with ADHD and PMDD. I'm currently under gynecology for the PMDD but not really getting anywhere, I tried some injections but it made my mood worse. I'm currently on the waiting list for ADHD medication and have been since September last year. I'm not receiving any other support, I found counselling never really helped throughout my life. I tried it for a bit when he was born but no luck, I have contacted home start and they couldn't help so now I contacted a similar charity in my area and seeing someone in a couple of weeks. I just feel like such a failure, I'm counting down the days for him to be older, that sounds so awful doesn't it. I wake up dreading each day, I barely take him out anywhere, we go to stay and play on a Monday and he has nursery twice a week, other than that I get too anxious to go out. I find the tantrums so difficult, he has a speech delay which doesn't help with the tantrums. He isn't showing any signs of wanting to be potty trained and that makes me feel like I'm failing. I probably let him have more screen time then he should have because I sometimes struggle to cope. I just fear that I'm never going to know what it feels like to be happy again. Everyone keeps telling me I have a beautiful son and I should be grateful and happy and enjoying it and that fills me with even more guilt. I'm just surviving right now. I have a very hands-on partner. He is great, he will take over on weekends and evenings and do most of the looking after and playing, I go and do things and have time to myself and even that fills me with guilt because my partner doesn't really get any down time between looking after our son and work. I just dread every moment I have to be a Mum and I think he knows that and so never plans to do anything for himself and that makes me feel so awful My parents don't understand. When he was born they helped me out a lot but for some reason over the last year they have taken a step back, said it's too far for them to keep coming or they're busy. So they come over when I'm absolutely desperate so me and my partner can go out for the day and have some alone time, but that's rare now. It's like I have to beg them to want to come and see their Grandson but they expect me to take him there a lot even though they know I get anxious driving with him. My partner's parents would help out more but they live 4 hours away :( My mother has also said some awful things to me over the last couple of years as well. She is good at playing the victim. Whenever I'm struggling she will just say well how do you think I coped. She has said directly to my son to come and live with grandma because mummy doesn't want you. I was really struggling last year and I told her I didn't want to be here anymore to which she replied if you feel that way why don't you just go and do it rather than keep saying it, I will never forget that. She has made me feel guilty for going away for solo weekend breaks to just have some time to myself. I shouldn't be going out or away because I'm a mum now. I just feel so guilty for everything. Sorry for such a long rant. Has/is anyone else still suffering to cope or manage with their mental health since becoming a mum? I see everyone else enjoying this journey and it makes me feel so awful when I say I'm really not, does that make me a bad mother and person?