At my wits end

I’ve been with my partner 9 years nearly. And he’s always had bouts of insecurity. And I’ve always been forced to defend myself. It upsets me everytime because there’s no trust there in my opinion but he says he gets inside his own head and over thinks which he does about a lot of things. Now this hasn’t happened for a while. But i asked him last week if he heard from ‘friend’ lately and he said no. So I left it it’s not uncommon for me to ask about different people I like to know that people check in with him sometimes as he doesn’t have social friends. I only asked this time as I was on the phone to him and was asking if he wanted a game downloaded on the PlayStation and it said this friend also played. Anyway nothing else was said and then yesterday he said oh ‘friend’ messaged me today. When did you ask me? I told him last week and he replied strange ain’t it that…. I saw where this was going but I was feeding our baby. Carried on doing what we needed to do and he’s now gone quiet on me. I ask if he’s ok, said yes. He’s looking at his phone and said you played the PlayStation today. To which I had while baby was taking a nap. I said yeah. He then said why? I said didn’t think I needed a reason, why are you checking up on me.. he’s gone off finished up in the kitchen and took himself for a shower, still barely talking to me. So I’ve gone quiet now because I can feel my emotions and I can feel the accusing coming. We’ve sat on the sofa not talking. And he turns the PlayStation on. It’s normal he plays for half hour before soaps. Instead of going straight on his game he’s then searched for this friend and removed him checked the chat section and everything… about an hour had passed and we still hadn’t spoken, he said why you being funny. I told him I wasn’t, but he was the one that’s gone off on one. Our kids are still in the room I don’t want the argument infront of them. To which he replied well maybe something up and instead of asking me you just sit there. That’s not how relationships work, some partner you are. I’m losing my shit at this point, I told him I asked him if he was ok and he said you asked once. I took my son and put him to bed. Came down had a shower to which all took me 45 minutes, I sat down and he said took your time didn’t you. To which I said didn’t realise I was on a time limit. And just faced the tv. He said you should have just stayed upstairs if you’re going to be like this, just so happens baby wakes back up so I’ve stayed up there. He’s come to bed about 45 minutes later. Didn’t speak and had gone to work this morning as normal, but yet I know this is unresolved. I know at some point today there’s going to be a call and an arguement. My point is, I’m not going to keep defending myself time and time again, I’m also pregnant so I don’t need the stress, I just don’t know how I’m suppose to do anything in this situation ???

Show your support

It’s not healthy to walk on eggshells.

If he continued to express himself in the same manner. I would be more inclined to not say anything. Until The next time you’re both sit in front of the PlayStation, I would have the remote and in silence I would log on my PlayStation profile account, scroll through my friend/contacts list right in front of him so that he can see if said “Friend”is on my list, if so I would then delete that person in front of him, still all in silence, and if “Friend” is not in contacts, I would go to the contact profile and block “friend” (if he were to start talking throughout any of it, make sure that I complete everything all in silence, so that I could show him how much I can respectfully express my support to him and his feelings. I would then want to check on him , and maybe ask how he is doing and if he’s feeling OK/better about “said deleted friend”

@Juliane I don’t have a separate profile I don’t go on often as baby never really slept for long it’s only been recent where he’s sleeping for 3 hours so after cleaning I’ll sit down for a bit and play. I knew it was coming he’s kicked off at me over messages admitted he doesn’t trust me, I’ve told him it’s not healthy for a relationship and if he doesn’t trust me why was he with me and he said right now he didn’t know. And that I’ve changed, I’ve told him I’m not going to continue defending myself and he said I’m being childish and should just leave. I have two children and no where to go, and I know because he’s said it before that if I try to go he won’t let me take the kids. Now I’ve spent all morning crying

This is the beginning of abusive and manipulative behaviors. He’s begun distancing you from everyone you know and causing arguments over nothing to control you more. Also the threats of not allowing you to take the children? This is toxic and you need to start planning an OUT. Are you able to save some money little by little on the side? Do you have family anywhere? Friends perhaps? This situation will only get worse with time, I’ve been through it myself. You haven’t changed, he’s just stopped masking his horrible personality. Also, it’s been proven that a majority of the time when partners act like this (super untrustworthy, accusing you of things like this) it’s because THEY are doing these things themselves. So of course they would be suspicious of others. Have you seen any possible signs? Seen his phone recently? Anything like that? 💜

@Amanda I don’t have friends. I don’t work so he knows about every penny. I have family but not the room, I don’t get on with my sisters who live with my mom but he’s the type that would go straight there he did it after I walked out on him after a year and he was drunk and fuelled on drugs I went back to our flat with him just to take it away from my moms house, he’d been in a fight and left blood on my moms door, and was threatening to smash her windows. He’d never done it before so after a few days I agreed to stay. And it didn’t happen again he got clean. I don’t leave the house I’ve just had to stop driving because I’m too close to the steering wheel with being pregnant. I don’t check his phone he’s too much of a light sleeper, and he doesn’t leave it anywhere. But if have access to old email accounts and social media so I do check those when I know he’s being off as his ex has a habit of trying to reach out

Since he’s been back from work, he’s tried talking to me but I’ve been semi quiet. As one of the last things we said was I will just be seen and not heard and just exist in the back ground looking after the pets and kids and clean up all day everyday. Bet that would suit him to which he replied that’s all you do now… I’m full on broken and I don’t see a way out at all. He even came home at dinner after telling me to leave because I didn’t answer his calls. I accidentally broke a glass I had for Christmas and he’s said I’ve smashed it because I’m in a mood, which I didn’t it broke as I was washing up.

Oh no, this isn’t the start of abuse. This is actively happening. Not only has he ostracized you from anyone who you could reach out to or get help from, he’s got complete financial control over you has well. I am so worried for you right now. You should have called the cops on him during his field rage and threats to break your mom’s windows. That would help provide evidence on your end to get you a retraining order/protection order. Then you could find a women’s shelter to house yourself and kids for a while. But at the moment I’m not sure what else can be done. Have you reached out to these women’s shelters to ask them what you can do? Tell them your situation and everything that has happened, they should be able to either give you resources you can use or advise you on what you can do next!!! Be safe please 😔💜

After reading your comments, you definitely need to leave, even if you have to force yourself into your mother’s house, explain what is going on and surely she won’t let you go back home. If not you can call the council and get put into a b&b the same night. He’s 100% emotionally abusing you. I hope you’re okay, sending strength

@Amanda I looked yesterday for help from council and it says because I’m on the tenancy they won’t see me as homeless even in a relationship break down. I haven’t looked directly at women’s shelters. I didn’t call the police however someone else did in our block of flats, because it started there when I left he was kicking off and he drove off and then I got into a taxi shortly after this was early hours in the morning. I’m not sure how it works but about 6 weeks or so later I had a letter from the police saying there’s a marker on the house so if I was to call them police would be there quicker. Whoever it was told them I was black and blue which I wasn’t then social services came out to see me before the letter and that’s how i found out. But we’ve moved since then.

@Kirstie my mom wouldn’t let me go back but there literally is no room for me and the kids. And she’s really poorly at the minute I’d rather not put her through any stress, as she’s weak and under going tests. The advise only with council says because I’m on the tenancy they won’t see me as homeless.

Ahh fair enough, hope your mum gets better soon. The council are useless! I know if you go on shelter website they can offer you advice on chat as they know all about the laws with councils etc maybe worth a look.

@Kirstie I will look into that today. Thank you 🩵

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌

‌

‌
‌